When exDH can't afford maintenance without moving

[ThereWeAreThens]

Nc for this but been around theses boards for support since exDH did the classic MLC script and we split. Teen DS, mostly lives with me after I finally got my own place a few months ago, initially "just for mocks" then possibly 50:50 but teen DS likely will stay more with me esp with GCSEs coming up.

ExDH has hinted (via DS 😕) if I claim maintenance then he'd have to sell FMH. It's walking distance from my new place, why I picked it to minimise disruption. He bought me out with a mortgage. He earns a bit more than me.

I'm fortunate in that I don't need the money, but who knows, no guarantees in life. If I got some from exDH I'd probably put most in a savings account for DS, use some for supermarket shop. I think the govt calculator is bare minimum, right, so it is costing me more to have DS. I love DS, no problem about having him mostly.stsy here.

I'm not sure what to do. Ask exDH for the govt calculated maintenance amount or leave it? DS has been q anxious post split and having to travel to see ex might make it worse, assuming his dad moves somewhere cheaper a bit further away. I guess exDH could move in with his affair girlfriend but she lives in a different town and so far DS hasn't wanted to meet her so that would dent their relationship.

I don't talk to exDH but would probably suggest a meeting on mutual ground to discuss this. My first rule would be, stop telling DS about your money worries.

Ideas?

Adding in that exDH does pay half for things like uniform/ some clothes at the moment. The extra stuff would be the cost of having DS with me - utilities, food, incidental things.

How big is FMH? The obvious answer would seem for exDH to sell and buy a smaller place in the same area? If he can't afford maintenance, he can't afford that house - as many people can't post divorce.

Say nothing until ex brings it up to you . He may have just been feeling sorry for himself. And it's up to him to make other arrangements in order to pay maintenance. Not your problem until he makes it one .
Tell your son that he doesn't need to worry about adult finances and that he will be OK wherever he wants to live.

@Nofeckingway I haven't asked for any maintenance yet nor started a CMS claim. I guess the question is, should I claim something? I'd feel terrible if roles were reversed and DS chose to move to his dad's and I had to pay the twat to have our son :(. Not because of the £ but because I'd miss him terribly and have to fund something I didn't want to happen.

@MayaLui it's 3 beds so bigger than neccessary

It’s worth working out the value of that compared to what you’d get if you went through CMS as a lot of men stop paying half of anything once you claim as they realise there is no legal obligation to do so.

My friend’s ex frequently brags that he doesn’t pay CMS and she’s too in love with him to push it. However, he pays the childcare bill as he demanded everything in his name and bank details when it was set up (when they were still together) and friend knows he’d realise he wasn’t obligated to do that if she went through CMS. The value is way more for her that way.

Obviously, if he pays £50 a couple of times a year, but would pay £500 a month through CMS that’s different.

@ThereWeAreThens Your ex is dealing with the consequences of his actions . He chose to buy you out . And officially it is only a year as your son is 17 . Your son should be supported by both parents .

Fuck him. Just claim it.

What he means is he can't afford maintenance because then the affair partner wont want him if he's skint and they can't afford to go out for meals and on holidays together.
Claim it.

Honestly, as it’s only a year till cms stops anyway if son is 17 and you don’t need the money, and your ex doesn’t pay half of clothes etc I’d leave it. The upheaval and added stress for your son in terms of having warring parents for me is not worth it.

yes of course he should pay more but I’d be weighing up the full picture personally, e.g by buying you out did it mean you could separate quicker , cleaner rather than long protracted sale of fmh and variability of sell
price ? Has it freed up your equity quicker ? Has it meant he overstretched himself but you can’t out better ? I know a few parents who’ve done this in the short term.

but yes he should stop bringing ds into conversations

Son is 15. 3 more years of school. Buying me out wasn't quick. ExDH refused to move out of FMH once he told me it was over between us, as was his right as co-owner, so we had to live together for approx 2 yrs while I found somewhere else & he dated. Housing market near us was both slow (not many places) and quick (houses sold within a week, I lost out on a few bidding was in that time including trying to buy further out). I don't know if he overstretched on mortgage, not my problem, but we were mortgage free before, we bought FMH a very long time ago.

Hmm, ok that slightly changes my opinion then, put in a claim via cms - it means he’ll stop paying half of clothes and other things so work out whether it’s worthwhile. / probably is

You could probably do some maths on what you know. Work out his rough take home pay via takehome salary calculator, work out what mortgage repayments would be on what he bought you out for. Other basic expenses. That would give you a sense of things.
What do you think he would need to pay via CMS based on the website? You could indeed do a mutual ground meeting and see if you can agree something reasonable. Tell him that you don't want to go via CMS due to costs. You don't want DS involved in financial matters, it's none of his concern. Come up with something that seems fair. But yeah, if he pays half of ongoing expenses tread a bit carefully

I didn’t claim as I knew exH would then want dc to stay more and they didn’t want to. I didn’t want them to have to go just for financial reasons. I didn’t need the money but also it was a ridiculously small amount so I wasn’t giving much up.
Perhaps there’s a compromise eg ask him to pay your DS an allowance direct and half of any big ticket items eg phone / laptop / school trips etc as well as the current items and in return you won’t claim the full amount.
I always thought it was a bit crappy ExH didn’t give dc any pocket money direct I do think that recognition would have meant alot to dc.
But you could just claim the money and tell him to get a lodger to cover it.
16+ does get quite expensive if your teen doesn’t have a job themselves as their social life starts to cost more and kitting them out for uni is expensive.
Does your ex spend money on holidays for DS etc? If I felt DS was getting the benefit of the extra money that may affect my decision.

We split pocket money for DS but it's not much. Go halves on big things I expect like if he needed a new phone, school uniform, lunches, trips. Incidentals like school supplies / underwear / travel I just buy by myself. ExDH has taken him on one week long holiday so far, nit sure if he'll do the same this summer. Lodger is a good idea.

Looking at the official calc, if exDH is still paid the same, it would be approx £120 a week if he stayed 2 nights a month with his dad. So perhaps I could ask for halfish to cover some food (teen DS eats meat almost constantly!) and electricity and keep the other stuff the same, does that sound fair?

He should have factored cms into his financial commitments before buying you out and taking on the fmh ….. that’s his issue and you should t be left to pick up all the bills. I think your offer is generous, but I’d weight up would you be better off with cms in full but assume no other contribution ( ie he stops paying anything else) or agree a reduced amount PLUS he still pays half of items you mentioned above