My sister has been married for around 10 years and is finally accepting that her relationship is abusive (coercive control, emotional abuse and financial abuse). She has two children under 8 and has reached the point where she feels she cannot continue in the marriage.
She is a kind, loving person who desperately wanted a happy family life and has spent years trying to make this work. They've had couples counselling more than once, but any improvements have been temporary. Her husband has significant unresolved childhood trauma and is currently in counselling, with suggestions that he seek psychiatric assessment, but nothing has changed enough to make the marriage sustainable.
The biggest issue is that she has been the children's sole caregiver. He has very little involvement in day-to-day parenting and has never shared responsibility equally. Their son is very aware of the tension and is extremely attached to his father because of repeated threats that his dad might leave. My sister is terrified about how separation will affect him.
Before children, my sister had a successful career in healthcare and earned more than her husband. She reduced her work after their first child and stopped altogether after their second, mostly due to his encouragement regarding their financial situation. Since then she has lost confidence, become isolated, and has no financial independence.
He controls all the finances. What began as shared financial management has gradually become a situation where he controls accounts and money she has little or no access to. She suspects there are substantial savings and cryptocurrency holdings she knows very little about.
He now talks about divorce almost entirely in financial terms and is pressuring her into making informal financial arrangements. He has offered her a lump sum based on part of the equity in the house so she can move out. I am worried she could agree to something that is nowhere near a fair settlement.
His behaviour has become increasingly angry and volatile. He is also making comments to their son such as, "Your mum wants us to split up, not me."
My sister currently has no income of her own, no money for legal fees, and a preschool-aged child at home.
My questions are:
- Where does someone in her position start?
- How do you safely separate from someone who is controlling, manipulative and financially dominant?
- What protections are available for someone with no independent income?
- Is there a way to get professional help with financial disclosure and settlement before going through a full court process?
- has anyone been through something similar and can offer practical advice?
Please be kind. This is an incredibly painful situation for our family.