Living together and he has someone else

[Varren]

We have been married 23 years. Things have been difficult for years but out of nowhere In April he asked for divorce. He had been contemplating it for months and his mind was set. He wanted to accelerate everything and he had been advised to be cold only speak about logistics and children and everything he has done since then has made it harder for me.
i have done my best to catch up and I honestly know it is for the best and I should have left years ago.

we still live in the family home with DD2 . DD1 is at uni. We are here until we can sell but that will be months away.

he won’t move out.

it transpires that he has feelings for someone that only developed after he split up with me aparently. He said they are just friends but both have feelings for one another. I think this has gone further and it feels so hard . We haven’t even started proceedings yet, I wanted us to end this properly on the same page.

he avoids talking but we need to. I can’t trust him

we have been in separate rooms
I just don’t know what to do really.

You can fill out the divorce forms online, start planning where you'll live or if you'll buy him out etc. Neither of you should move out until the house is sold/bought out.
No need to do anything for him anymore, so no meals, laundry, tidying his stuff or any favours etc.

I don't think you have any choice to put up with it until you sell. Out of consideration and common decency he should keep her away from the marital home but that's it really.

In what way don't you trust him. If it's financially get digging and make sure you have access all your bank accounts and similar. Take some advice from a solicitor in that regard.

Thank you, these simple things are good to hear.

Thank you, I am putting together financial stuff

I hope this doesn't sound too cruel but do you believe him about the timing? My husband walked out in February with us still living together now. I later found cards from someone he was adamant was just a friend and i believed him. I've only just found put he's been having an affair since April last year. Trust your gut with this! I didn't and its a huge regret

There's no way this has just developed...so sorry you're in this situation. Proceed as quickly and clinically as you can I'd say.

You need to take your focus away from the emotional.. really fucking hard but these days it’s ’no fault divorce’ so the courts give not a shiny fuck about who cheated on who.. you just need to really focus on the financials .. I’m sorry .. going through this myself and have learned the hard way.

financials are all about ‘need’ . So keep your focus on that . You NEED to be adequately housed . If your children need to be adequately housed then what size house do you need . Are you employed ? How is your pension compared to his ? Is yours less because you have sacrificed earnings for child rearing.. just really keep your energy for this .. do NOT get embroiled in who has had an affair. The divorce process is just not interested. Xx

Were you aware he’d been contemplating divorce for months, or did he tell you that? Sounds to me like he was hedging his bets, waiting for the green light from this OW, who he’s definitely been involved with for a while. I’m guessing she’s not been in a position to have him stay/live with her, which is why he’s still in the family home.

As another poster said: don’t do anything for him. Do whatever you need to do for the best outcome for you and your DC.

If things were difficult for years - than his saying he wanted to divorce is not out of nowhere? You even say - that you should have left years ago.

So really - it does not matter how far his involvement with the other person goes. It is not really the reason for divorce. I think you know that.

I lived in a marriage what should have ended earlier. Now that the divorce is few years back and kids are older they ask me why we didn't divorce earlier.
The divorce was quite contentious - and my ex was really difficult. It took 2 years to sort things out and for him to move out. So I know how difficult it is.

So - really - try to focus on the practical side of divorce. You can research it online - and file the paperwork on yourself. You don't NEED to talk to him and discuss it, just make the filing and let him know.

Collect all the financials that you have access to. Google Form E family court - it'll give you an idea of what various financial information is needed to settle financial split in divorce. If you transparency to the family finances - see how a potential split would work. 50/50 is a usual place to start.

I don’t think focussing on this person or whether an affair started before separation is worth it. It’s a red herring. You yourself admit the marriage has been difficult, you know it’s for the best and should have done it years ago. In many ways he’s now done you a favour by ripping the plaster off

focus on reaching an agreement on finances that allows you both to move on and forward hopefully in a civil manner

Thank you all, I appreciate your replies

Use your energy for getting out of this situation, and by the time you've done that the timings of his comings and goings will be much less in focus for you.

He doesn't need to talk to you for you to divorce him. Get all your financial info together, whatever you can get hold of, and see a solicitor if you haven't already done so. You don't need to chat with him about this. Treat it like a business that needs dissolving, if he's being cold don't wait for him to warm up and be the reasonable loving husband you once knew for you to swing into action. It won't happen.

This is the time to put yourself and your needs first, you won't get another crack at it. Who he's seeing and when it started aren't the point right now, don't get side tracked.

People are so obsessed with cheating on here. It doesn’t make any difference if it started before or not.

op, you’re split, he’s allowed to date again, just he can’t bring her near the home. I think you need to start divorce.