Is it normal to feel regret as separation becomes real?

[Confuzzzled]

Hi all, me and DP were together 10 years and have an almost 3 year old. We split up around 2 months ago and still living together while we sort the housing situation out. I'm the one moving out and now it's getting closer to me going Im so tearful I can't stop crying. The reason we split is how incompatible we've become over time. I struggled with health anxiety and he had zero patience for it and I was met with him getting annoyed whenever I tried to talk about it. He showed no affection to me and as soon as I'm due to leave he's nicer to me and it's messing with my head. We split when DS was 9 months old and I moved out and ended up coming back a few months later. Things were ok for a while but started going downhill again. I just can't live with blaming myself when everyone else is telling me he's just unsupportive and not right for me. Am I feeling this regret just because it's getting real now? My nervous system is fried, honestly. I got with him when I was 20 I'm now 31 and I feel like I don't know myself without him. Then the stronger part of me speaks up and says I don't deserve someone who I have to shrink myself around or change myself to fit what he wants.

Sorry I'm unsure if the point of this post but my God, my heart is breaking I've never felt anything like this. I'm terrified of living on my own and navigating this whole thing. I feel like I've totally lost myself.

I dont know if its normal to feel regret as i certainly don't but i know its normal to worry about being alone if you have anxiety. I am nearly 50 and have spent half my life in this relationship. I have jumped from one relationship to another since 16 so have never been single as an adult. I am scared of being alone but i know 100% it will be worth it and dont regret getting a divorce. I think that maybe it helps that I am at the "no more fucks to give" stage of life. I think menopause makes you realise that life is too short to live with idiots. I wish i left 10yrs ago.

I spoke to someone just yesterday who said she waited too long to leave but now at 60 she is the happiest ever living alone. She wished she did it 30 years ago!!

Nothing worthwhile is easy and you will have challenges but i bet you are braver than you think.

It’s totally normal to have a last minute wobble as the physical separation gets nearer. It’s also completely normal to experience a period of grieving once you’ve left. Try not to analyse it but ride the wave and tell yourself that this is just part of the process of moving towards a happier life. I left my husband autumn last year. I had a huge wobble just before I left. He wouldn’t leave so I did. Initially I felt so much peace and elation but it didn’t take long for me to breakdown. It was a bit of a complicated situation as he wasn’t working at the time so I felt like it was going to be impossible to move forward with the divorce. He was also begging and pleading for me to return as well as using our children to control the situation. I felt so desperate and hopeless and ironically although he twas the reason for all the pain I also missed him so much because he would ordinarily be the person I would turn to in difficult times and I had never learnt how to emotionally take care of myself. I cracked and went back to him. Only a few months later more crap came to the surface and I realised this is never going to work. We are now navigating a divorce while co parenting and cohabiting. I’m not sure I regret coming back because it was never going to work at that particular time but at least now I know to expect that last minute wobble and again and im
prepared to feel totally shit for a whole after we physically separate. But overall it will be worth it for long term happiness and peace

I’m feeling the same! He moved out 3 weeks ago and I feel so sad suddenly I can see all the good in him. I went from my parents house to married so I’ve never lived alone. I have the kids here but I am in bits. I wake up panicked, I just want to beg him to come home but then I know we will be right back where we started.

lots of women day to push through, it gets better. I feel very lost and scared - almost like a child who can’t find their parent in a crowd.

OP - yes of course it's normal to feel sadness when separation becomes a reality, even if it's for the better. You shared a life, and lots of good memories. And it's sad when things end.

Separately - I do think you'll benefit from being on your own and discovering who you are without him. You got together when you were barely a grown up, and no doubt you both have changed.

Also - if you have not already - you need to spend some time in counselling to learn to deal with your anxieties. I am not sure this was the only reason you split up - but it sounds like you expected him to be your support system through your anxieties, and that is not fair. Of course - a certain amount of understanding is expected from a partner - but it's really on YOU to manage your mental health. You can't expect your partner to also be your therapist.
I say that as a person who has struggled with MH on and off for years. You need to take responsibility and find help/support/medication - and not put it on your partner (current or any future ones).
So - if your friends are telling you that you deserve a partner who'll be tiptoeing around your anxieties and make sure you are not triggered - are doing you a disservice.