Want to try marriage counselling but fearing separation and not seeing my child daily

[Yorkd22]

I'm in need of some advice or just a sounding board, me and my wife have a 4 year old child, we are going through some serious struggles at the minute, we have grown apart and basically just are roommate's who co-parent, we haven't been intimate in years and we don't know if we will ever bring it back, we both seem to resent each other for numerous different reasons mine is down to I don't find her attractive anymore in a way of her lifestyle choices specifically, since my child has been born I've made an effort to get healthier to be a role model, I've lost weight and concentrate on my health, whilst my wife has gone the other way and just eats what she wants, puts weight on and doesn't care, now I know this is down to the fact she doesn't think I'm emotionally there for her, she doesn't feel supported and says I'm lazy around the house, these are just the things on the top of the iceberg it goes a lot deeper with it really, but we have said we are going to try marriage counselling, she explicitly said it might not work, and she can't feel attracted to me until she feels emotionally safe, and ive said I can't help the way I see you, I'm simply not physically attracted to you at this point in my life anymore, my fear of this goes mainly into not seeing my child everyday, it's what I've done for 4 years and the thought of it makes me cry on a daily basis, the missing out on the simple things of sitting with him on the sofa every morning eating breakfast, now I know I'd obviously see him, but it's the fact it wouldn't be everyday that hurts, I grew up in a broken home, I resented my dad, I always said this would never happen for my child and now it seems to be, it feels like I've basically had a kid with my best friend, we still care about each other deeply but we are not in love anymore, people would say these are trivial things, but family holidays, Christmases and simple days out would be no more as a family unit and it is affecting both of our mental health

What does she resent you for, not pulling your weight?

She thinks I aren't there emotionally, I am present as much as I can be, but she thinks she has to deal with everything like doctors appts, mainly the house work, which I could be better at but I do get my share done, just at my own pace, she feels like I don't respect her, but before all of this came to light I never felt wanted either, it was constantly me trying to instigate intimacy, hugs, kisses or anything, she was never one to instigate which made me feel unwanted which also hurts

So it all boils down to you not getting sex? Maybe you do need counselling for both of you.

No it doesn't all boil down to that at all, I put a lot of other stuff in there, its the fact we currently don't respect each other in separate ways, we haven't been intimate together in years and that hurts us BOTH

Counselling doesn't mean the end of your marriage.

So if she gets healthy and slim you will find her attractive again? But don’t know if you will ever bring intimacy back?

what are you going to do to make her feel emotionally safe?

I'd go for the counselling, it may work, if you're both willing to listen to each other and work at things. If not, then yes, you may need to separate, but that's better than your child growing up around unhappy, resentful parents.

If you remain on good terms and separate before the resentment turns to hate, you may still get to see your child every day perhaps?

The physical impact of pregnancy, birthing and then looking after a young child who usually has needs around the clock from birth to five years old has a significant impact on a women’s body, her sleep, energy, physical and psychological wellbeing. Before I had children I was really fit and active. I was motivated to look after myself, look my best and also had the luxury of time to meet my own needs and invest in anything that made me feel good.

I thought having a child might have an impact on my lifestyle for possibly a year or two. Fast forward 8 years, I now have two children and only in the last year do I feel like I can finally start looking after myself. For years I was chronically exhausted. My morning shower would last a maximum of two
minutes if that, I would never time to shave my legs or properly condition my hair. i would wear the same shitty clothes that I had worn for years because I had neither the money on my part time crappy wage post maternity leave or the energy or attention span to select new clothes and I could forget finding the time to get to a hairdresser. I was so tired and busy over time I started to forget who I was.

My body also changed. Boobs ever so slightly droopy with much less volume after 3 years of breastfeeding and a poochy tummy from having severe diastatis recti. To top it off birthing my daughter left me with a double prolapse and very weak pelvic floor meaning I couldn’t consider a brisk walk unless I was prepared to wear a sanitary pad.

My diet was also shite. Before kids it was all protein and well balanced nutrition, after kids it was eating the left over crusts off their jam on toast or nibbling in left over fish and chips because I was quite honestly too tired to cook for me.

Your wife is probably shagged from carrying the psychical and mental load of being a mother. She is clearly trying to communicate to you that she needs more help or for you to be more proactive around the home. For there to be any chance or reconnecting or intimacy there needs to be a safe space to speak about your unmet needs and be heard. It sounds like you have either been quite dismissive of her or downplayed the impact of you not doing enough around the house is having on her. When people don’t feel heard they give up. If she felt heard and supported she would have more time to invest in herself.

If you’re not willing to make any change then I doubt your wife will either. If you find your wife unattractive and don’t have the desire to have sex with her then you should let that woman rebuild her life without you and move on. I suspect you might see a physical transformation when she has time apart from your son and more time to herself.

in terms of feeling sad about your child, it is incredibly painful but it’s better to separate now while he is young and will no know different as he becomes an older child.

Marriage is a life long commitment with ups and downs and the small children years are generally the hardest. If you are going to bail based on physical appearance then do her a favour and go now. You haven’t invested in her emotionally and you are not listening to how she feels alone. Doing things “in your own time” is what my teenage son does not a fully functioning adult who is a parent. If my partner had written this I’d honestly want him just to leave so I could get on with my life and find a grown up to share it with.

Do you understand what she means by emotionally safe? That’s nothing to do with whether you find her physically attractive or not! She does not feel safe to
open up, to be herself in front of you. That’s a horrible way to live!

This is spot on. I feel like copying and pasting it to my ex to explain why our marriage broke down!

"When people don’t feel heard they give up."

100 percent.

Yup, me too...

My guess if OPs wife was writing she'd say how utterly ground down she was with all the tasks that OP doesn't do his share of...

And all this 'in my own time', os like a stroppy teenager... Who wants food cooked at midnight, or vacuuming at 3am...??

my guess is you're nowhere near doing you fair share op @Yorkd22

Exhaustion and lack of time has a real impact on ability to eat healthily /exercise... It also makes you feel very unsupported!

Op, I try not to give men a kicking on here but my god, you sound ridiculous.

You dont find her attractive... and appear to be very happy to tell her this.

She tells you shes drowning in exhaustion and mental load and you say you "do your share" (clearly not) but "in your own time". WTF ? A 5 year old cant wait for your time.to.est, sleep, have clean clothes.

And you are crying every day at thought of not seeing your child? Boo hoo. Stop crying and actually DO something. Besides, when you get 50% custody you might not enjoy it so much as it wont all be sitting around eating breakfast and watching cartoons... while you are doing that i bet she's running around making packed lunches, getting school clothes ready, packing bags, tidying up. You will have to do it.

Go.to therapy. But dont be surprised if at the end of it SHE is the one who wants you gone.

So you’ve been very open and decided to announce to her that you don’t find her attractive. Umm… can see why she maybe has an issue feeling emotionally safe.

It seems to me that there is a very easy thing that you can do to improve your marriage and reduce the chances of not seeing your kid every day.

Do the housework at the appropriate time. Don’t be “not the best” (which we all know means “completely shit and useless”).

Incidentally if you think you are “doing your share” then you are undoubtedly not. There are just too many unseen unknown things in a household. From experience of both of you have to firmly believe that they are doing about 60% for it to actually be fair.

So do more than your share, when it should be done and do it properly. It isn’t exactly a huge thing if in return it gives you a better chance of seeing your child on Xmas day.