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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

How do you cope when your child stays with the other parent?

11 replies

Confuzzzled · 06/06/2026 10:15

Hi all. I'm sorry if I sound dramatic because emotions are so high atm I'm probably not being entirely reasonable. How on earth do you cope when you split up and your child is staying with the other parent?

My DS is almost 3 and autistic. Me and ex split in April after 10 years together and DS is going to be staying with him Tuesday and Friday nights atm as he's still in daycare but no idea what to do when he starts school. Ex is difficult and just doing what he can to hurt me and wants to take me to court. Suddenly trying to be super dad after watching me struggle and doing bare minimum most of DS' life. I of course want them to see eachother and they have a good bond, but my god I have found it heart wrenching the first night away from him last night. I slept about 3 hours and have cried the rest of the time. We still co sleep and I just felt lost. I'm back with him now and he seems fine just way more cuddly than usual and wouldn't let me put him down at all.

No idea at the point of this post but I'm just hurting so much. So many things going through my head, is 2 nights too much or is that a good amount for a 3 year old? He's planning on taking me to court either way and I'm just exhausted from this whole thing and know I have a battle ahead of me. HV is trying to get me to talk to a charity around domestic abuse because she thinks he's a coercive controller which I would agree with. I have no worries about him as DS, but I do worry how we're going to coparent together when he doesn't compromise on anything. He's continuously calling all the shots and my opinion doesn't matter. I want to live nearer to my mum 25 mins drive away and he's objecting to DS going to school there because it's not near him. It's all such a mess I'm feeling defeated but I can't sit around and cry all day everyday I need to be strong for my boy. Does this get easier?

OP posts:
socks1107 · 06/06/2026 10:19

Definitely gets easier. I used to see friends, enjoy time to myself, went to the gym, read. Basically adult things that I loved. It’s hard at first but it quickly becomes easier and some weeks I’d look forward to that time for me. Mine are adults now and’s my ex dh was awful but I got through it with gritted teeth on occasions.

And moving 25 minutes away is no big deal tbh so I doubt a court would stop you

Confuzzzled · 06/06/2026 10:30

socks1107 · 06/06/2026 10:19

Definitely gets easier. I used to see friends, enjoy time to myself, went to the gym, read. Basically adult things that I loved. It’s hard at first but it quickly becomes easier and some weeks I’d look forward to that time for me. Mine are adults now and’s my ex dh was awful but I got through it with gritted teeth on occasions.

And moving 25 minutes away is no big deal tbh so I doubt a court would stop you

I think that's part of my issue because I've lost myself along the way in this relationship and I'm not as fun and outgoing as I once was. I think I need to find myself and what I actually want to do in my spare time. Ex is going to make this a bumpy ride but I'm determined to find some happiness after all this, I need it. Thank you.

OP posts:
Oku · 06/06/2026 10:48

Gosh I wish my ex would have our kids. Haven’t had a night to myself in 10 years.

Blanketyblank04 · 06/06/2026 10:58

The first few weekends my son went to his Dad’s I paced around at home and cried the whole time. I was distraught! He was only two and just a baby. Then I realised that was no way to go on so I started planning small things in advance, even if it was just a mooch around the shops. Take your time having a long shower, styling hair, putting on something you feel good in and get out of the house. Have coffee and cake in peace in a nice cafe; visit family and friends and get some nights out in the diary. Nine years on and I still don’t like it when DS goes for the weekend but he is 11 now and loves being with his Dad so that makes it easier as I know he is happy and safe. Equally, I have got used to it and being at home alone is all good and I can watch what I want on the TV and eat what I like when I like. It is really hard to start with but it does get easier over time, promise! 🌺

millymollymoomoo · 06/06/2026 11:02

2 nights is not a lot at all

use the time to start to discover you outside of being mum. Will take time but will be positive

you have a a long time to co parent and it’s best all round if you can find a path to do that without high conflict.

FloydPink · 06/06/2026 13:57

I have mine (teens) 50/50. It is ok much of the time. Like weekdays when I am working all day and need to do housework/shopping in the evening, or go on dates etc... Weekends are much harder if I dont have stuff on. As for Xmas and birthdays... its horrible.

Personally I try to distance myself from it all, easier said than done. I dont take any interest in what they do with ex-wife in that time. But being teens they tend to do their own thing like bus into town to meet their mates. It just helps me stop imagining what I may be missing out on

happysinglemama · 06/06/2026 14:09

It’s definitely hard at first esp when they’re that age. I work long shifts when my kids are with their father so am just so busy and I clean in between. When am off let’s say annual leave then I rest , see friends sometimes, go swimming but mostly I try to have me time and rest, watch my stuff on TV. I with you it’s hard at first but it gets easier with time. Remember his dad is his parent as well .

happysinglemama · 06/06/2026 14:10

Meant am with you

itsames · 06/06/2026 18:27

These comments have been interesting to read. Me and my husband have separated a month ago. We have 2 children 13 and 10. The past month has been so surreal. I've only just told my family about everything that's happening right now. My husband is having that conversation with his family this week.
He's still living in our family home, we haven't told our children yet, as all of this has come completely out of the blue for me. And financial situations won't allow us to rent anywhere in the near future. I'm not sure where things will be a week or 2 down the line but at some point he will be moving out. He's a great dad and don't want to spoil his relationship with our children. But the thought of when the time comes where I'll be on my own fills me with anxiety and fear. I'm absolutely dreading it!!

whippersnapper55 · 06/06/2026 22:16

I think 2 nights is ok for a 3 year old. I know it's really hard at first but it will get easier in time. Do your best to keep busy when he's not with you. Plan yourself a nice evening, long soak in a bubble bath, make yourself something delicious for dinner (or just buy it!) and snuggle up and watch something uplifting and funny. It's good for you to have a break and a bit of time to yourself.

I can't imagine that a judge would stop you moving 25 minutes away if it means you have family support. If he takes you to court, just do your best to stay calm and reasonable and he will probably show himself up as the arsehole he is. You're strong and you will get through this 💐

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 06/06/2026 22:21

It does get easier @Confuzzzled

Ex and I split when dd was 5 and already at school. But we used to cosleep (when she slept which was not often and never through the night) so I get your dilemma.

My recommendations are

  1. don't try and do too much for the first few
  2. buy some nice bath bombs/bubble baths etc and have a pamper evening
  3. find some films or series to binge watch/books to read
  4. as you settle into the routine find an evening class/reconnect with friends

As for what happens when he starts school, if a routine has been established then continue as it is. It is better for your ds to have consistency.

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