15 year lie

[brokenbutnotbeat]

I'm on here looking for advice, comfort, insight, help and anything else anyone can give.

I have been in a seemingly in a happy marriage for 10 years, together for 15 with my husband. We have 2 children, 13 and 10.

A month ago my husband told me he was bisexual, he was cheating for the best part of our time together on and of in hotel rooms with other men. He works away a lot so I never had suspicion. A week after talking he confessed the biggest blow. He was actually gay. He has never found me attractive or particularly enjoyed our sex life. He has fallen in love with another man half his age. And he is the reason he feels he didn't want to lie. At first he said he wanted me and our family. And he'll try and stop. And supposedly called it off with his guy. Out of sheer terror at the thought I would lose him I agreed to try and fix our broken marriage. A couple of weeks later he told me that it wasn't what he actually wanted. He wants to be in a relationship with a man.
Our 2 children don't know anything yet. I'm in too much of a mess to even being to know how and what to tell them.
I am worried about his mental health and mine too. My anxiety, stress and sleep levels are through the roof. I can barely go shopping without having a panic attack. Some days are better than others. We are both still living in the same house until we get around to sorting things out, which I can't even process at the moment.

If anyone has been through this or similar I would be very grateful for anything you can offer. 🙏

OP I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I have no advice but more help will come from other posters. I couldn’t read and not reply, I cannot imagine the shock.

There’s no rush to do anything now, try to wait to make big decisions if possible and just take it one step and one day at a time. 💐

This is absolutely devastating for you OP.
You must be in shock.

I'm not surprised you sre worried for your mental health. But I would urge you to put yourself and your children first. He has lived with the knowledge of who he is for a long time. When he said he would "try and stop" his relationship with the other man and work on your marriage he was not being honest with you. People can't ' " stop" being gay. It's who they are. So I don't think his mental health is something you should be concerned about.

So that’s awful and I’m really sorry.

Fuck his mental health- he’s wasted your life. Ask him how he plans to tell your children, friends and family about his volte face.

this is on him - protect yourself and your kids. Ridiculous man. 👨

I agree that this isn't to do with his mh. Yours must be wrecked though. Same thing happened to a friend of mine. She sat her kids down and said that her and their dad were splitting up because he loved someone else more than her, but he still loved them very much.
She wanted him there when she told them but he chickened out. She reckoned that they didn't need to know it all at that point. See if your dh would do this with you and agree to keep it vague given their ages.
This is horrible for you and I wish you all the best

I agree with pp it's not his mental health, and I get that people can't change there sexuality. But what he did have power over is not cheating on his wife and children and living a lie, that's unforgivable in my opinion, he also put your health at risk by sleeping with men.

I'm sorry your going through this please be kind to yourself and think about your own well-being and that of your children, he doesn't deserve your concern.

I'd actually like to comment as someone that is bi sexual female but in a relationship with a man I was never confused about sexuality really and always""came out" "to person I'm with but morals!
If I am with a person as I am now I don't be in a relationship with another person also straight gay bisexual is not a excuse to lie and cheat!
Don't allow it!!!
I wish you well in planning a escape x

My ex’s mental health tanked after we split ( due to his betrayal). I spent so much time trying to hold him together for our children . It took me a long time and a lot of grief before I pulled my head out of my ass and concentrated on my own wellbeing.

This weak weak man has wasted your time. He has squandered 15 years of your precious life.

Use every bit of your emotional energy on yourself and in your children- he’s had enough from you.

Agreed.
He has used you as a prop or a costume with no thought for you as a human being at all.

Anger will arrive soon and overtake the worst of the initial sadness and this will help you.
It’s more useful and motivating than the shock and despair and easier to live with.

My ex husband wasn’t secretly gay but I did find out about a very longterm deception where he was having an affair with my best friend so I have some idea how you might be feeling.

You will come to realise that this man is a stranger to you, you have never really known him but just a version of him it suited him to play.

Therefore you must not trust him to act in your best interest at all, or to be honest in future dealings.

Believe nothing, protect yourself and your children.

Sort the practical issues of money and property and plan your new life away from this user.

Sorry to read your post @brokenbutnotbeat.
Now is the time to put your pieces together and get the financials sorted out.
You have got time to rebuild your life and make the most of your time ahead.
You need to speak to a solicitor get your financial evidence together and plans for the kids.
Take control.
I don't know any but there must be some podcasts to listen to which can help you get your head sorted a bit. Or listen to some good music which can help you get your attitude together. Don't listen to the sad stuff now is not the time to nurse your heart noe is the time to say well fuck you.
Come on it's your turn to decide how this works out.x

Also if you don't want anything from the GP for anxiety you could try Kalms to help you sleep they may help just take the edge of things. But if you are poorly go to the doctors especially if you need time off work to get your head together.

As he has been having sex with multiple people , some of which sounds quite casual you should also book yourself with a appointment for sexual health testing .

Such good advice already been said here.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, you must be so shocked and stunned by it all.

Put your own mental health first and your children, tbh if he is leaning on you for help with his own mental health, that is incredibly selfish given how he has just dropped a bomb into your life…

xxx

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

His mental health is not your responsibility anymore. As soon as he cheated on you, risking your mental health, it stopped being your responsibility. He has shown no consideration for your feelings or your life so you owe this man nothing.

Prioritise your own mental health, and your children’s. I’d recommend talking to someone, if it’s hard talking to someone you know book a counselling session. See your GP.

Also get legal advice and file for divorce. Get knowledgeable about your position and finances so he doesn’t use your kindness and the shock you’re in against you.

How are you doing @brokenbutnotbeat ?

Absolutely awful for you-perhaps what him coming out as gay has done for you has the potential to save you from the “pick me” mentality which is inevitable for all of us who feel there is still a chance. It’s not the same, as my ex was cheating with a woman but there was a freedom I experienced when I realised why our marriage was failing and there was nothing either of us could do to fix it.

It’s horrific and it will take time-in the beginning realising that our marriage which I had always thought was so special and unique had become the cliche. I worked my way through stages of grief for a 20 year marriage and suddenly after nearly 2 years I realised that I had gone 3 hours enjoying myself while watching a stage musical (Billy Elliot!) and hadn’t thought of him once!

These days (10 years on) I am genuinely quite happily single -ex is still with (the last) affair partner and I am honestly glad it’s not me! That doesn’t mean life is perfect and I have obviously had many challenges as a single parent. I don’t know what I would have chosen to do differently in my life-but it wouldn’t be something I could have done to remain married.

Don’t think about anyone other than yourself and your children-or worry about what people will think. I found freedom in discovering most people are too self centred to spend too much time thinking about my life. It will be ok, you will be fine-but it will take time. It’s a cliche but there’s often a reason for cliches, please be kind to yourself.

(((Big Hug)))

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. In this day & age it's unforgivable, he could have lived his life as a gay man.

even when someone has treat you very badly, it's hard to stop loving who you thought they were & not defend them to others, so I don't think us calling him all sorts of things is going to help.

I think when he said 'he'd try to stop' he probably meant it as he didn't want to lose you, the kids, his home life & all he knows, but soon realised he needs to be true to himself.

his MH is probably in a bad way, it's a big thing he's going through & as you've lived him for so many years. That's going to be hard to see him going through & not be 'his person' to help him.

but you absolutely must put yourself & the kids first now. Emotionally & financially.

talk to him & decide what you're going to tell the children now & when. Given it's now Sunday night, I'd wait until Friday so
they have a couple of days where they don't have to go to school. Personally I'd go with the Dad & I are separating, Dad loves you very much but he's decided he loves someone more than me & wants to be with them instead. Yes, I'm very upset but I'll be ok. It will change our day to day lives, but it won't change how much we both love you & together we can work it all out. You can ask us anything you want to, but we might not have all the answers immediately, somethings are going to take time to sort out. For now you two & me are going to keep living in this house & Dad is going to live at (wherever) but you'll still see him lots (presuming that's the case??)

something like that anyway. Id be honest about the 'who' if they ask. Imo there's no point in hiding it.

Same with family & friends. It cannot be secret. There's no need for bit be & being factual about it us jyst so much better.

and yes, you need to go & get fully tested .

Lots of love & support! It might not feel like it right now, but you WILL be ok. 🤗