Hi everyone.
My name is Emma. I'm very New to this and forgive me while I learn how to navigate this site. I'm a Mum of two absolutely amazing children. My daughter Holly who is 13, and my son Isaac who is 10. And they are my world.... They are our world.
I'd like to share my story about what I'm going through, my husband is going through and soon my children will have to go through.
Me and my husband have been married for ten years, together for 15. We met at work, hit it of and our children came along. We have the most amazing life full of family, holidays and love. Everything you could wish for. We're not well off but are good at what we do with our caravan and have managed to create, over the years memories we'll never forget. We've had our up and down, stressful times and arguments of course. Like a normal couples do. Everything was just rolling along like it was supposed to.
Until one month ago. After a quite strained family weekend away. I found so pills in the glove box of my husband's car. Pills to help with erection issues. I glanced at my husband as I was shocked. But remained quiet as our children were oblivious in the back seat. The 2 hour journey home was horrible. My mind wondering, trying to find out who she was, my husband, silent and seemed to be holding back pure emotions. Visably upset. Very out of character for him.
We got home. Tasked the children with jobs to keep them out of the way Best we could. Stood face to face. I said we need to talk. My husband's instant confession left absolutely, utterly gobsmacked.
He said "I'm bisexual"
I couldn't move or talk. I'm not sure for how long?
When I come round, I don't know why, I Walk over and give him a hug, and said I understand. I absolutely didn't, I think I was in shock, I'm not sure. We spoke at length that evening. Very calmly and aware always the the children were in and out. He told me he'd be meeting guys in hotels when he had to stay away for work. But told me it was just sex, just an itch he needed to scratch. I sat there listening very upset, but remained calm. A few days went by. Questions were asked and answered. Very hard hearing. I asked questions I wish I hadn't. But he wanted, me the kids and "our life" and that's all I could see. Me, him and the kid's.
A week went by with him not here, but here for the normal daily routine, school runs, meals, football. I still didn't believe this was happening. I was waiting to "just wake up"
I arranged for him to come over a week later. To have a chat again and made him promise to be honest. He agreed. We went to the gym together then come home and sat down. Very freely he told me how he had fallen in love with the guy he'd been seeing for the past 5 months. And how their love for each other was the reason he didn't lie his way out of this one. The guy who he was telling me about, although I'd never met him and didn't know him personally, my husband would tell me everything about him and his cover as his "personal trainer" I felt like I knew him. My calmness didn't last long and many things got smashed in our kitchen. I didn't hit him but broke my knuckle punching the door. He held me close to him to restrain me from anymore damage, to me or the house. I hugged him back. Then he cleaned up the mess while I sat there broken.
Still I couldn't see my life without him in it. Our children always came to the top of my mind. We talked for another week and at that point all I could think about is how I could keep him. I asked him if he was prepared to break it off with this guy. He agreed and he asked if they could meet. Which they did. I was sobbing on the floor as he left. Thinking that was the last time I might see him. He came back about forty minutes later and said "it's over" I felt relief but still confused. But I agreed to try. Somehow to make sense of it all and put the broken pieces back together.
I told my husband I wanted this guy's number so I could send him a message outlining the damage he had caused to me, our children and our wider family. And how we love each other would enable us to try and fix it all. I asked if he was ok and gave him the option to reply if he felt the need. But made it quite clear that he was to leave my husband and our family alone forever.
Another 2 weeks went by I started to feel anxious every time I left the house. Several times I left half full shopping baskets in the middle of Aldi. I managed to go to work. I told my boss, and 2 of my very close friends. I told them everything. Which looking back I am thankful for. As I didn't realize how much they were willing to support me.
My husband helped me with shopping and the every day life to life mundane stuff. It felt normal but not.
We went on our annual family holiday together as normal. Iwe both set off with so much hope. We were having a strangely wonderful time. Which felt absolutely natural, not forced at all. We talked about it every day and I asked is this, our life together what he absolutely wanted. He said yes every time.
Midweek onto our holiday. The children were asleep and we were having a conversation outside in the awning. We love listening to music of every kind. Some we just couldn't listen too, so we managed to find music that was middle ground if that makes sense?
I asked him to play me a song, any song. He paused and played my favorite song "next to me" by Imagine Dragons. I sobbed, so did he.
He got down on his knees and told me. He was actually gay, and this is not the life he wanted at all. I can't put into words my emotional state. We both went to bed.
The rest of the holiday was a blur. But still nice. It was a very emotional drive home from both of us. Hand in hand at times. Especially when nearing home. We had decided to tell the kids that even.
That didn't happen. Last minute the thought came into my head, that none of our families knows anything and the kids are going to need them for love and support.
I have now told my family and very close friends. My husband is yet to tell his family.
We are separating without doubt. We have talked and talked. Heated and calm. But are trying to keep things as normal as we can until we sit the children down. A conversation which makes me feel sick to my core every time I think about it.
I'm an emotional wreck at the moment but still able to work, go shopping, and take the children out. My anxiety levels go through the roof when Im out or when my husband isn't here. I just can't control it whatsoever.
We are planning on speaking with his parents at some point this week. I still love him. He says he still loves me. At the moment I believe him. I am so worried about his mental state, and mine too. I can't help feeling that I need him to be ok.
I things are going to get worse before it gets better. But I genuinely want to come out of this the best we can. For our kids.
The house and the financial things have only been briefly discussed. And this is where we are.
I just want it to work out..... It has to!