Separated after online cheating and unsure whether to divorce or stay

[PepperoniJab]

I have been separated from my husband for a month. He has cheated, albeit only online, on me twice. I found out just before we married about the second time and I stupidly went ahead with the wedding because I was just in a trance. I asked him to go to therapy to save our relationship but that hasnt happened.

Anyway we live together, we are best friends but there's no intimacy since I told him I want to hit pause on the marriage to see whether or not I want to stay. He is desperate for me to stay. He is my best friend but he doesn't pull his weight around the house. He wont clean and only cooks if I ask him to. He is lazy, and I think my dog could do more handy work around the house compared to him. His sex drive is super low which is the opposite of mine. But... I love him. He is my turd. My comfort blanket who would take a bullet for me.

During the separation I told some friends about it, and how I think I want to turn it from a separation into a divorce but I'm so scared to walk away from the man I love. I love my husband deeply but I can't get over the infidelity, the paranoia is too much and I will never feel like enough. Ive lived two years in this paranoia and its eating me alive. But suddenly, out of the blue, one of my friends who I told about this (who is single) admitted that he is crazy about me.

Now this guy... he is a good looking, tall, kind, funny, and ambitious man. He is very handy, cooks and cleans, and I used to admire how he would always boast to people about his ex. He left her a while back because she cheated on him. On paper he is that dream guy. We have pretty much most things in common and I honestly had no idea he liked me because hes just so damn respectful. When he admitted he liked me, I was so flattered, and he really wants me to consider him.

We haven't taken things further of course but now I'm at a crossroads. Do I walk away from a marriage, from my best friend? Do I take a chance on the guy who I always thought would be way out of my league? Do I just try and make the marriage work with counselling? My friend isn't forcing any decision btw he is being so gentlemanly about it, so respectful, and that makes me like him even more.

I dont know what to do

He sounds like an opportunist.

I have voted no. Largely because what you have seen is likely the tip of the iceberg and there is more going on that you know. There are a few things that indicate this for me - he won't go to therapy, super low sex drive.
But also you say that you can't get over the infidelity, and the paranoia is too much and you will never feel enough. It's been two years and you deserve more.

You say he cooks, cleans and is very handy and on the other hand you say he is lazy and only does this if you ask him to?!

I think after 2 years, it's time to move on.

Sorry its a typo from me probably. He doesnt clean and only cooks when I ask him to - even then I still have to do the veg. Thank you for responding I appreciate it

Why do you think your cheating, lazy husband is your 'best friend'? Best friends are meant to like you, spouses are for enhancing your life.
Forget the potential lover and relish in the bliss of being free of men entirely.

He’s your turd?

Online cheating?? Do you mean he hasnt even met these people. Its still bad though if he feels the need to do this in a relationship. But in the end better to call it a day now rather than spend the next 20 years with somebody who sounds like a lazy pain in the neck with an online habit of chatting up women. Not exactly a basis for a good long term relationship.

I don’t know why you’d want to stay with a man who doesn’t cook or clean and has an insanely low sex drive. You sound like flatmates except you’re also his mum. Regardless of Mr Hunky Cleaning Chef in the background I’d say your marriage has run its course. Your husband is making you unhappy, and that’s not going to change. That is who he is.

I’m not voting on something so complex. I’m also deeply suspicious of this ‘friend’ suddenly popping up and promising all sorts.

How is it that therapy just ‘hasn’t happened’? You sound like a good match in that both of you are utterly terrified of a conversation that might hurt, or of change. He chats to other women online, you get married rather than have a row. Therapy could help you practice communication. It’s not going to make a decision for you, nor should it. But he won’t make a decision for you either.

I would never advise for someone to stay with a cheat as it's rare they change. But if I were, I would want that cheat to accept they have made a grave mistake, take full responsibility for their actions, and do whatever is necessary to recommit and rebuild trust. This is the only way a relationship can be saved after infidelity. Unfortunately your husband shows zero inclination to do any of those things and you absolutely should not stay.

I also think you need to do some work on yourself around what you think love is, as you repeatedly state you love him. But this isn't love. Love is a two-way commitment to building a life together, supporting each other to be the best version of themselves, making each other as happy as possible along life's journey. While nothing is perfect, this is so far from what you have. I don't think you do love him, I think you are perhaps trauma bonded to him, or he is filling some emotional hole for you. But it certainly isn't love.

Men who meet someone unavailable want someone unavailable. He will break it off if you leave your husband for him…