Moving with Child after Suggesting Divorce

[ChicRosePoster]

I’d like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I (35F) have been married for 6 years (37M) and we have one child (10 months F). The burden of housework has always been on me; despite assurances he’d step up before we had our daughter, I’m still doing most of the housework and now childcare. I feel that as I’m doing 90% of the work for 3 people I may as well do 100% for 2 (me and LO) and at least then I won’t be let down.

He can also shift moods, sometimes really nice but other times he can verbally bully me a bit, making me have to think carefully about what I say and how I say it to not annoy him. I’m over it and I don’t want my daughter to live in this environment. Also his personal hygiene isn’t the best…basically I feel we’re beyond counselling and I want to end it.

My plan for after we break up is to move back towards my parents who live 200 miles away, so I have their support. How soon after our initial could I realistically move? My issue that my job is local to my current home, and I’m due to go back from mat leave in October. I ideally want to move back ASAP so I can get my LO a nursery place and start looking for a place to rent and a job…could he block this? This is obviously working under the assumption that he’d be happy with me having majority custody…Any advice appreciated!!

How do you see your daughter building a good relationship with her father if you're 200 miles away? How would contact work? What if he wanted 50:50?
It's not impossible, but I would really consider whether it is in the best interests of your daughter?

He can get a court order to prevent you moving his child, yes.

As the parent who moved it would be your responsibility to do all the travelling to facilitate your child being parented by the father.

Your child has a right to a relationship with both parents, your plan would essentially be ending the relationship with her father, no bare minimum good parent would accept that.

I dont see how your plan benefits your child. Your child needs to build a positive relationship with their dad. At that age he should have contact regularly a few times a week. Little and often is better. Like 2 hours 3 times a week.

He can and absolutely should block the move.

So you have another 5 months of mat leave? You should be sharing tasks, however if you are at home and he’s working out of home of course you’ll do more
at home? But he shouldn’t be a dick about taking on parenting time when at home!

Hi op. Your sentence starting ’he can also shift moods…. ‘ shows me this is a coercive control dynamic. You need to flee secretly and safely. Do NOT tell him before you go, you need wait until he is out then pack a bag and go with all your documents and your daughters. Tell him you need some rest and help from your parents and you’ve gone to stay with them for now but he can come and visit. On the phone if possible. Refer yourself to the local health visitor and tell her about the coercive control follow up in an email or text to her so you have a paper trail. Resign from work, you maybe able to apply for universal credit if no income. See if you can agree to go back part time and use accrued leave to cover working days so that you don’t have to work your notice after Mat leave ends.

you need to get there.

And then you need to create a strong evidence that your daughter is settled there this is her new home etc.

when you’re there, you need to register both of you to the gp change bills like your mobile phone to there and sign her up to some baby groups , join the library etc and register her for a nursery. Register yourself for tax free childcare and child care choices when you can.

keep as much as you can in writing where you tell dad it’s really important he visits so he can keep seeing daughter regularly.

your narrative will always be that you left to get support and help which you need when you have a baby, then you and baby got settled there so you decided to stay put where you had a support system but he has always been encouraged to visit.

DO NOT ask a controlling man who you have to walk on eggshells around for permission to leave him and move as he won’t.

You need to do this move asap as soon as she is settled into nursery or school it will be so much easier for him to block.

you could even just tell him you’re going to visit parents so you can pack not secretly (if he won’t block this) and then just not return

A baby needs her primary caregiver to have decent mental health and be supported and have a calm nervous system and not be living in fear of emotional abuse living under coercive control. The baby will be far better of with a happy free mum than one who is broken.

This is awful advice. Unless he is abusive father who is an immediate danger to his daughter, which we have no evidence of, this is an absolutely crappy way to treat anyone!

I think that's a huge stretch. They have a new baby. Its a huge adjustment period for both parents. Having a new baby and everything that involves can strain a relationship and be very stressful. The first year is the hardest year of most relationships. Personally, i would suggest anyone makes big decisions during that year unless they are scared for their safety or the safety of the baby.

Absolutely but op will be given crap advice on that she can do this and get spousal and child maintenance, but forgetting to mention that she moves from the family residence she’s then responsible for transportation for contact visits

If he loves his daughter he will go to court and block you from taking her away. He can’t form a real parenting relationship with 200 miles in between.

Or you could be a decent co-parent and work with him to figure out a place where you both can live and work near one another and both be involved parents.

As others have said, he can go to court to stop you moving. I have had to stay in an area with no family for over 15yrs, am finally returning to the area I grew up in during the summer. It’s not been easy, but it wasn’t fair to move the kids 250 miles from their father, and he would have gone to court to stop me. I also didn’t want my kids on trains or motorways on their weekends and holidays, being miles away from their father. Has it been easy for me, no, but I have always put their needs ahead of mine.

‘Verbally bully me a bit making me careful of what I say to not annoy him I don’t want my daughter to live in this environment’ you’re absolutely right. You need support op. You’re not getting it from him. The pp saying he could block you, yes an abusive controlling man definitely could block you if you wait around for his permission. But if you just move and you and the baby settle somewhere they are much less likely to make you move, or make baby move back when you’re her main caregiver and always have been. I’m being criticized for taking a less open dishonest approach but that’s because I and friends have direct experience of abusive controlling men and know how this will play out if you don’t protect yourself and your child at this stage.

My friend has a child with a man who is four hours drive away and they make it work, he comes to stay at her home every other weekend and looks after the kid there while my friend goes on rare evenings out and dates. (Not an abuse situation, he left her due to affair) and in school holidays my friend drives daughter to her dad’s. Child has more of a relationship now than she ever did with dad, and child benefits from a well supported mum who is happy in her home town with friends and family around (who daughter also benefits from)- if my friend had stayed in the other city she’d have no friends or social life hope of getting one as dad was too busy with affair partner to bother with his daughter anyway (hence part of why she left). If it’s a brilliant hands on dad that your child is really benefiting from having regularl quality time from then it is a different situation, but that’s not the case with op or my friend.

Op once your child is settled in a school locally you don’t have a chance of moving her now is your best chance

If he loves his daughter he should be actively parenting her now and not physically and metally totally destroying his daughters main caregiver.

Op you could always try now and say you want a Rota where you take turns with bedtimes and you take turns with taking her out for the day on weekends so non working hours are equal split. Discuss this by text. See if he takes you up on it. If he does then you might have a saved marriage if he doesn’t then it’s good evidence that he turns down his change to be an equally active parent should you need it.

Of course you can't just up and leave and take your child hundreds of miles away from father!!
What would you do if father tried this?