Emotionally absent husband

[fluffynotebook]

Has anyone had any experience of this? I’ve been with my husband for many years… we met young (probably too young) and over the last few years I’ve had to look inward and work on myself. I’ve realised I was in an emotionally neglectful household growing up. And that’s why I was drawn to DH. Now I feel like I’m lacking something… he’s their in body but not always in mind. Or at least he doesn’t show it if he is. Isn’t really forthcoming with his children either. He’s good in other ways like he’s kind and generous, works hard to provide for his family but I just don’t feel ‘seen’ and after years of it being the norm I feel like I deserve to be seen and feel loved and appreciated. I’m only in my early 40s. I’ve told him a few times that’s how I feel and I see that he makes an effort for a few weeks or so but then reverts back. What do I do?

Have you tried couple counselling?
it sounds like you’ve changed and he hasn’t. You could do the Love language quiz together. Maybe he’s doing the best he can?

You describe your DH as committed to you, generous, kind, hard working and as someone who prioritizes his family. It sounds like you found someone who loves you, and your family, who just gets on with it without a fuss.
If he wasn't overtly romantic before, he isn't likely to have a personality change after this many years.
Are you prepared to accept him as he is?

We haven’t tried counselling. I’ve mentioned it and he wasn’t that interested but maybe it’s something I can try again. Interestingly we did do a love language test not long ago… I was quality time and so was his, however throughout the whole quiz he kept saying it’s something I would do, and not something he would prefer, even though I said the quiz is about him and not me. So maybe he’s unsure of himself and actually acts of service is more his love language. The thing is it’s also hard to be physical when the emotional side isn’t there. And even when his needs are met the emotion isn’t really there. Only fleetingly. I keep having phases of this where I’m really unsure but then I just suck it up and carry on and then feelings re-surface again. Particularly around school holidays… he’s even less emotionally available, if that’s possible.

For some men, the prospect of rocking up to a couples therapist in person is not appealing. But some of the online exercises and book-type advice might be more of an option. Good luck.

It isn't always a great world out there for a 40s woman, single/co-parent. Though I'm sure there are many positive tales of discovery and reinvention, too.

We do expect a lot of our partners (lover, friend, parent, etc) and sometimes you need to find other outlets (friends, families, hobbies).