Arrangements for children

[Mumof4boys12975]

I posted way back in Jan about husband wanting to separate. We’ve been plodding along together although he was sure we were separating but just taking no action.

Now I have uncovered he cheated before he told me he wanted to separate. He has treated me so badly (despite him saying i made him lonely etc).
I am desperate to resolve things (I know, I know)

But it looks like we will be separating, i need some guidance and support on what things can look like in terms of the kids. I think he will want 50:50 but I REALLY don’t. What could I suggest?

If he wants 50/50 and is capable of doing 50/50 then a court would most likely grant that. You can suggest less but I don’t see why he would agree to anything less than 50/50 if that is what he wants.

What are your arguments against 50:50?

I’m the default parent. He isn’t patient and expects too much from them and as a consequence they prefer me.

If he wants 50/50, there really won’t be much point trying to fight it, unless there is an extreme reason he shouldn’t be with his own children.

Edit as crossed with your update - if they are young, those reasons won’t make any difference I’m afraid.

The default parent thing is irrelevant really while you all still live together, as long as he is prepared to take on 50%, unless there are concerns of abuse, he’s probably going to get it.

Unless they are older and by older I mean 13+ ish at least, what they prefer doesn’t really matter.

How old are the children? What would he put in place for childcare arrangements? Some fathers claim to want 50/50 but in practice it all falls through. I would see a solicitor and talk it through to see what their advice is.

You could also start 50/50 now (I assume you’re still living together) just to show him what it would really be like. He takes 100% responsibility for certain days - after school and holiday childcare, evenings, meals, clothes, washing, bedtimes etc and you go to the gym or see friends etc.

As other have said, 50/50 would be the default unless there were things like abuse, issues (alcoholic), posted away for months as in forces etc...

Also, you REALLY DONT want this, the first thought should be for the kids, they have 2 parents and in an ideal world, 50/50 is a good balance.

My first thought had always been for the kids. They have 1 parent who thinks of themselves first and it isn’t me. I’m a better parent than he could ever dream of being. Hes impatient, shouts and makes them cry so subjecting them to that 50% will not be a good balance.

4 boys need a father, and you shouldn't take that away from them without good reason. What you've stated isn't a reason - it's your own selfishness. If he wants to see HIS children 50%, it's is not for you to deny that.

did I say I was taking them away from him? He is leaving me so in effect taking the kids away from me. I have never said he cannot have them I just feel 50% is too much for our family. But if I’m selfish for struggling with not having my children when I am being the one that was cheated on and is being left then so be it.
i was looking for some support but looks like i came to the wrong place. Way to kick someone when they are down.

It’s natural you don’t want 50:50
but the whole default patent thing and they prefer me is not relevant.

if you genuinely think 50:50 won’t work you need to state why and demonstrate this factually - in terms of outcomes to the children. Otherwise you should be looking to try to suppprt it and help the children into a routine.
what arrangements would you propose

how old are they
will you live close to each other
Are you working full time ?

You need to get your head into the right mindset here. First of all, you have to park the actions of him possibly having an affair to one side. It’s clearly impacting your thinking - naturally so - but the courts will not take that into consideration. He may well argue that you’re too soft with the DC, that they prefer you because you give in to them. There are 2 sides to every story.
Have you both tried mediation yet? That may help you to come to an amicable arrangement regarding the DC which put them front and centre of decisions.

This is a really unfair situation you’re in @Mumof4boys12975

I dont have any advice but it DOES sound like your priority is what is best for your DC. You sound like a great mum 💐

Thank you @WhatATerribleWeeki am a great mum, and even ex says it.

also it isn’t a possibility he had an affair, he did and he has acknowledged that he did.

I don’t want to go to courts, I would rather keep things civil. I wonder if he may agree to me having them more.

We both work, me part time but I earn double what he does. Children are primary age. Oldest is 10.

You could try mediation first and lay out what you would like. He’ll do the same and then see what you can agree on - he might be happy for you to do more than 50% as 4 kids under 10 will be a lot of hard work.

First things first, you need to talk to him about what he thinks and what his views are.
you need to think about what pattern works for you
then you need to discuss some more

the affair, however painful, is not relevant

what are your reasons for not wanting 50:50?

Would he be able to fit in school runs around his job? Are there after school clubs he could use until he could collect kids. These are things you might use as arguement. Mo4b's my first DH cheated on me too and I wanted DC with me too but exh got 40/60. I didn't think he'd want 40 percent. After 4 or 5 months he came back and agreed he couldn't cope with 40 percent and asked me to have DC with him having them every other weekend, one night midweek he wanted me to be flexible about, 1 week summer holidays and some bank holidays. I snapped his hand off. It worked out in the end. You'll also need to get used to only having DC on Xmas Eve and Xmas day every other year. I managed to persuade exh I'd have DC Xmas Eve and Xmas day and he have Boxing day and New Year day every year. I pointed out whoever had DC Xmas Eve would have to do stockings and Xmas day cook Xmas dinner. That is only reason he agreed because he couldn't be bothered with Xmas stockings and all the wrapping.

I know it is tough OP but I think you really need to focus on separating these issues in your mind because they are separate.

Him cheating on you and leaving you- you can be angry about that. But him doing that does not mean you then deserve more time with your shared children as a result. He is leaving you, not his children.

Start the divorce process? Some form-filling on gov.uk

Then you'll need to consider division of any assets, and who looks after the children.

You'll be encouraged to try to resolve issues yourselves where possible.

It does't matter why the relationship is ending -- though it's possible if he's feeling guilty he might offer more. However, as soon as he gets any legal advice that may change.

Good luck.

People are right to explain that if he articulates how he can provide 50% of the parenting then his chances of getting it are strong. In response you need to focus on what you want and how you can provide it. Bear in mind that your financial situation and living arrangements are going to change. That applies for both of you.

”The children prefer me” isn’t a contention you should use. It sounds subjective, adversarial and alienating. It could work against you in a system that expects you to be cooperative and accommodating. Your lives as co parents will also be easier and better if you are cooperative and accommodating.

The main question you need to ask yourself is whether your children will benefit from conflict between their parents. Is it necessary or worth it? And remember that when people are accused of things they often counter accuse.

please also be aware that his desire for 50:50 might wane when he realises how much it costs and how it will impact on his career.

I'm not meaning to kick you when down and I'm sorry he's done what he's done...but you need to adjust your mindset. As rubbish as it is, he's leaving you (Sorry) not his children. Don't safeguard his kids away from him for no valid reason just because you're hurt and bitter (understandable) and because you 'don't want it'. Your kids won't thank you later.

Actually in the uk kids of a certain assessed age who can put their own wants and needs over will be listened to and this will be taken into account.

Yes but if OP’s oldest is 10 they are not old enough to be listened to, sadly.

Having recently been through this myself, this is all really good advice.
I would add though that I hoped my ex would start off doing 50/50 & soon give up but out of spite & wanting to tell people he is doing 50/50 & is an amazing parent, he has continued & it’s been over a year. Sorry to be negative but they don’t always give up quickly. In our case he uses a lot of babysitters & screens in his 50% of the time.