Should I suggest shared care when my ex will not do overnights?

[Blownaway23456]

Will I regret suggesting 50/50 with ex who doesn't want to do overnights?

I have 2 kids 1.5 and 5. My 5 year old has PDA autism with daily support needs.

This last few days I have looked after both kids with my parents. This has been suggested to give my ex and I 'space' although the reality is he always goes away and I am always left with the kids with very little chance to think or process anything. Plan etc
It's incredibly difficult. My oldest isn't doing well and is very dysregulated. She has always needed one on one time with one of her parents for most of the day or she becomes dysregulated, impulsive, very upset.

My ex partner chose to separate a few months ago. Wouldn't do counselling or talk about any other options when I said it would be so harmful for the kids. I am a stay at home parent.

I know the kids won't cope with 50/50 and neither will my ex be able to meet both their needs well. I am more attuned to my eldest needs but still can't meet both of their needs at once well.

He wants me to have the kids all the time, always do bedtimes, mornings etc. and he will visit. I would have no life. I love my kids more than anything but I am already and exhausted and burnt out with him being around to do one on one with one child while i do the other. Am I crazy to suggest a 50/50? It's not in the children's best interests but otherwise I don't see I will have any chance of a life and getting any time for myself to do things to help me feel ok and be the best parent I can be. I don't want to fall apart for my kids but I also am terrified at the idea of them struggling so much without both their parents and I would hate to be away from them to that degree too.

You can suggest it but there's no guarantee he will accept it.

The court can’t enforce contact. If he doesn’t want to see them, he doesn’t have to.

Do it. He fathered them. What would happen if you opted to walk away as well?! Why does he think he can run off into the sunset and leave you with all the donkey work? I’m embarrassed for him.

I would push it strongly as your expectation but expect for him to refuse and there be nothing you can do about it

You can’t force him but I’d be having a very clear conversation about how he expects to parent the two children he helped create. Him visiting sounds lovely for him but isn’t actually parenting, it also means you never really get to move on from him because he’ll still be around. I’d be interested in why he thinks it’s fine for him to walk away and leave you to raise his children on your own. Also talk to your parents about whether they can support you to get some space to think about what you want here.

As the others say - you can suggest, but he can just say no.

My ex sees his kids one Saturday a month. Not a thing I can do about it.

edit: and I had firm boundaries - he's not been back in my house since I ended it, and he never will be. That may not be as possible given the needs of your children, but if there's anyway it could be, it's worth it. If he has to come in, then you need to find a way to restrict him to just downstairs if possible - you need space of your own. But really, ideally, he wouldn't come in the house and would take the children away when he was caring for them, even if it's just for a day.

He'll get better at managing the eldest one he's responsible for doing it and has to learn.

Dont Don’t do it. He’ll no be liable for any CMS if you do and he won’t actually have them in practice

Genuinely curious how that works though. Surely not forcing him in turn forces her? How does the court make that fair? If op refused to do more than 50% (in theory) would the court make her do more just because her ex refuses?

Thanks.

My mum is very supportive and involved but is exhausted after I've come to stay with her for a few days. She just can't cope with my eldest needs.

My ex's plan is relying on my moving hours away to stay near my parents. And it just won't work for anyone.

I believe they'd say that either she looks after them, or they'll be taken into care, since neither parent wants to look after them (full time)

Visiting isn’t an option. Your home isn’t a petting zoo. He needs to be able to take the kids out and away for hours at a time. In your shoes I would also ask him to pay for a carer that can come to you regularly and give you a break everyday.

i would build up to overnight stays once a routine is established for your son to understand. Even 2 Saturdays a month.

I’ve been separated from my ex for a long time, and one of my kids has additional needs.

In your situation I wouldn’t be trying for 50/50. It doesn’t sound like the best plan for anyone, and if he does agree then it’ll be a nightmare with how distegulated your eldest will be every time they come home.

I would suggest that initially he has one child on Saturday and one on Sunday every weekend, with each child doing one overnight. Plus one evening a week when he has both kids overnight together.

You will need to get yourself to a place where you can keep both kids safe alone, even if you can’t always meet both of their needs. And work out some sort of childcare so that you get daytime time to yourself one day a week.

That means that both kids needs are met most of the time, everyone’s weekends get easier, and the kids get used to spending time at his. Gradually when your eldest becomes easier to manage, that can change to both kids together every other weekend.

Him visiting isn't feasible for anyone. What happens when he's there, he still expects you to care for the children, he'll play with them for an hour then leave? You can say no to this, its not reasonable and won't do the children any good long term.
Or you go out, he gets them from school, does their dinner, bathtime and puts them to bed and you'll come back once they are asleep/settled, or come back to help with your 5 year old if she needs you there. This is more reasonable if it's for your DDs needs and what you think is best.

The other difficulty you'll have is your 5 year old will become more dependant on everything being done by you and you'll struggle to leave her with anyone.

Take his feelings out of the equation, he's certainly not caring for yours. You aren't stopping him being a dad by not agreeing to him 'visiting' it's his choice and responsibility to arrange his life around them. Also can you trust him in your house alone in a years time?

Look at what would work for your children, could a 8am Saturday to 5pm Sunday every other week with 2 after school evenings a week be suitable for DD and still gives you some breathing space?
50/50 doesn't have to be 2 nights a week and every other weekend, some people do a week on/week off too. Chatgpt should give you some good routine ideas if you put some details in (no identifiable information just generic).

The only thing that counts towards % care is the overnights, so, if you have them 7 nights effectively you are having them 100% and this will be reflected in the level of maintenance.

What he is doing and what he wants is not sustainable. If your dd has an official diagnosis, that makes it easier in front of a judge.

Work our a child centred plan that works for you.

Many years ago, a Mumsnetter worked out a financial presentation to take to court with a disabled child. Her list went something like

• normal babysitter $x/hr. Trained babysitter $y/hr.
• normal walk to school $0. Transport to school $x/day.
• Appointments x ?/month = petrol, parking, time off work.
• Therapy costs.

And so on.

Don’t allow him to visit, ever. He has to take them out/away/ to his new home. You need to rest and you don’t want your ex in your home.
you mayb be able to make a schedule where you both have one to one time with each kid as well as times with both of them, which should meet everyone’s needs.
every other weekend is reasonable.

Agree with this.

Also @Blownaway23456 I would suggest looking into ABA therapy for your oldest.
It's had a bad press but it might make a comeback as parents (mothers) are on their knees with their kids (and some even suicidal).

It’s awful that he can just opt out of being a parent like this. I have so little respect for him. Fair enough if the relationship has run its course but to declare that you will have them 100% of the time and he will visit…. 😖
is he wealthy? Can you at least get a lot fo maintenance from him to make your life easier in all possible ways eg. Help with cleaning, gardening, paying for a second pair of hands.

in answer to a previous poster a court can’t force the op to do more care any more than they can force him but we all know she wouldn’t abandon them and walk away from her parenting responsibilities unlike her twat of an ex

I used to have my ex collect our DS from.nursery once a week and come to my house to give him his dinner etc, andI'd work late or meet a friend.

It was OK for a while, but ended when he had a girlfriend who didn't like him being in my house 'playing happy families', though I was always out!

OP could give it a go her ex looking after the kids once a week in their home, with kids going to their father's home at weekends - either seperately as in the very good suggestion by @Aabbcc1235, or going together every second weekend.

As others have said, you can suggest whatever you want but if he wants to do zero overnights then that is what court will formalise.

This is all our fears as mothers isn’t it. You’re going to have to find a way a build a support network around you. Looks for other single parents of PDA autism. build your networking for mental support as a bare minimum etc it’s going to be tough for a long time but this sounds like it’s going to be on you. Forcing care from their father who will not partake will make things harder for you x

CMS assess based on number of overnights the parent does. He is refusing to do any, so OP will be classed as caring for them 7 days a week.

It’s basically a game of chicken. Whoever walks out on the kids doesn’t have to look after them. It’s rarely the mum who walks out so hey presto she’s lumbered and nothing she can do about it.

Yep this. The whole system basically relies on the hope that a woman would never turn her back on her children and force them into care and so it ends up all on her shoulders.

The court will never force a care giver to do more contact than they want to do or agree to do because that isn’t in the best interests of the child so if both mum & dad say “no thanks” it goes to SS & care. Court assumes, or rather hopes, very few women would do that and so when dad says no thanks the mum picks it up.