How to support a separating spouse without becoming their only support

[HumorousEagle]

My wife and I are in the early stages of separation. She initiated it and I’ve come to realise it was the right call. She’s been wanting to lean on me for emotional support recently, and I’ve obliged because she’s really struggling mentally. I find it draining though. Sometimes I barely have the bandwidth to care for myself. She says I’m the only person she can open up to. I’ve urged her to seek out medical/professional support if she thinks she needs it but she’s resisting. I really feel for her and I want to help but I don’t know if I can always be there for her right now. I’m worried about her. Anyone have any advice?

If you are separating then you are no longer required to be her emotional crutch. Honestly, just stop. You will be doing her a favour in the long run.

Would she get professional help if you weren't there to prop her up? It is incredibly difficult to support someone with MH issues. They not only need professional help but need to engage in it properly. If she has you around then she doesn't really need to do anything to help herself.

This, she’s initiated it so am assuming she’s the one moving out? Are you both working and starting financial independence of each other?

I hear you. I just can’t help but feel I’m letting her down as a human being.

I doubt it and that’s part of why I’m worried. She’s very resistant to medical help, although she has seen a therapist recently.

Actually, I’m the one moving out. She’s attached to our home - I think it’s a significant stabilising factor for her. We’re both working. Our finances are slowly being separated, and I’m buying a house around the corner. We have two kids and both of us feel so sad about the impact this could have on them. We’re doing all the things we know are important for kids at a time like this, but lately my wife has reneged on that agreement. She’s been angry and combative when I’m at home with them, and often cries in front of the kids. I’m optimistic about the future and ready to deal with the practicalities of separating. Emotionally, too. But being her primary support is dragging me back into a dynamic I don’t want.

Take it slowly. As reality of separation sets in your ex will become more confident to be more independent.

Encourage her to make good calls for herself.

Stop being her support. Explain to her that you can't do it any more. If you feel guilty about this, get some support yourself. Speed up the purchase of your property x 10000

And she should not be weeping in front of the children. The children will take that to heart and work at being her emotional supports instead and that should NOT happen.

Organise an immediate response from you if she does it such as “time for a walk kids” or “dad’s doing bath time and it’s happening now”.

You need to be firm with her.

Can you take the kids with you? It does sound like she's struggling, but she initiated the split and sounds like she needs professional help, but crying and shouting in front of the kids when they are dealing with a breakup is not doing them any good at all. It will affect them long term.
Once you are away you could just see yourself as a carer and say you are not available for emotional support, just practical to support the kids and make sure she's looking after herself/them. She needs to speak to her therapist about the other stuff.

@Desperatelyseekinglazysusan I wanted to say this about the children moving out, too.

I understand your feelings, however you are putting your empathy for her above your own needs. If you do not have enough energy for yourself, you do not have any to give to her.

ive been seperate form my ex for 10 months and he quite frankly is / was an energy vampire! He still occasionally tried to dump all his negative emotions on me, I have a non comital response (eg that sounds tough) and move on or just ignore. I also won’t rescue or support him in any other way as I am not responsible for him.

In short, focus on. Why you feel the need to give your energy to someone else and not leave enough for yourself. Get use to feeling uncomfortable when you look after yourself first!

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I’m going to try and make the transition from emotional to practical support and see what happens. Supporting our kids is my priority and I can’t do that as well if my energy is divided.

Why don't you post on dadsnet?

can you move out before your purchase completes? Anyone you can stay with? You shouldn’t have to provide emotional support to her and the easiest way to avoid that is not to be there.

There’s a dadsnet?! Am I not welcome here? 😝

I’ve spent time away but it makes things difficult logistically. Particularly where the kids are concerned. And I really miss them, too. I came back from a long stay at my parents’ and the house was in a state. My wife was obviously not coping well.

Is the house big enough for you to split it, even if things are a bit cramped for a while? But you need to set boundaries. It's not good enough to leave young kids in a space like that. She needs urgent help. If she is doing this and as a result you go back to play happy families and do everything for her then she has no incentive to help herself, and she will not get better without wanting to get better if that makes sense.

It’s not big enough, no. I should be setting boundaries but I’m finding myself being drawn back into old habits just to keep some balance in the house. Fortunately, she is now seeking help, and she seems a lot more stable now I’m back. I think I’ll need to slowly step back from supporting her to give her the time she needs to bolster her energy.

She had a very bad day yesterday. I ended up calling 111 for mental health support. Long story short, I’m taking her to the doctors’ this morning. She’s willing to try medication. I know they can have an adverse effect initially so have said I’ll be there to support her through it (she asked). Hopefully then she’ll be able to start supporting herself better.

She asked me if we could try again yesterday. I had to say no a few times. She acknowledged that there was no romantic love left in our relationship, which makes moving on easier. I feel trapped.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's terrible and support for carers ( because that's basically what you are) is crap. Hopefully now she's going to the GP she will get some meds to stabilise her. Don't be guilt tripped into staying. If nothing else, if you get dragged into the abyss your children won't have a stable parent.

Thanks for the kind words, @Desperatelyseekinglazysusan. It means a lot. I’m feeling more optimistic now that extra help is showing up and she’s accepted medical support.

You're welcome. Also, from experience, make sure she takes the meds as described and don't take her word for it if she said she's taking them-check. If they don't work tell her to go back for different ones and they will slowly taper them. They also take a while to kick in.