Am I unreasonable for considering leaving my husband after years like this?

[Tadah123]

Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I am thinking of leaving my husband, we are in counselling and these are my reasons:

• he makes everything he has to do with me and the kids feel like a chore (even the counsellor said it). It’s been this way for years, but when he brings it up he says he’s not good at communication and he does have to do these things and he does need to be places.
• he snaps a lot, at me and at the kids
• at social gathering, he sits by himself grumpy. He has social anxiety but refuses counselling and or any medication. I used to sit alongside him, but now I socialise he says I leave him and that he doesn’t feel supported. If people try to engage with him in conversation he shuts it down quickly. If people try to joke with him, he makes it awkward
• He is just in a high paid, high up role (as am I). All compromises have come from me with flexibility with the kids, and if I ask him to WFH to help he makes me sound completely unreasonable
• he only wants to sit and read with the kids, any other game/activity he huffs
• we are in a sexless marriage and have been for years. He refuses to get help and says it is down to me making his self confidence dwindle
• he hasn’t let me speak to anybody about these things, as he says it would be a massive breech of trust. It’s only since speaking to the counsellor I’ve realised that maybe I’m not unreasonable, and that unlike what he’s said, I’m not unfair/unkind to think these things.
• he had one task to do in counselling (plan a date) and he forgot and then got defensive and started shouting when I was upset (which is common)
• a lot of the counselling sessions are him talking about how it’s all his fault, and he knows it - and how it makes him feel rubbish, his self confidence is even lower than before. He knows he is a rubbish husband and father and he just needs to get on with it.
• counsellor has identified us as I am a people pleaser and he is a victim.
• common phrases are - you need to sort DC out as they don’t like me. Or they are having a tantrum, come and help.
• he left me doing all the night feeds, as he told me if he lost his job due to tiredness we’d lose our house. My first DC woke every 45 mins for at least 6 months - I had severe PND - and the one time I went in at 5am to ask for help he told me to go and we need stricter rules in place for waking him up.

He is now trying to reconnect, since I told him I was leaving. But he’s tried before and then it goes back. I think I’m done, does anyone have any experience where you come back from
something like this? Lots of people are saying you are in the trenches give it time (DCs are 2 and 4), but I’m not sure how much longer I can.

Goodbye to him.

Has he got even one good point?
Nothing of what you've written makes sense to stay with him

It won’t get better. Do what you know you need to do deep down.
He’ll make promises but if he actually cared about you and his kids he would have made an effort years ago.
Choose freedom and peace.

I’m staying for the children I guess and for the fact that if I do need to do something, like blowing up the paddling pool and filling it - I know someone is watching the kids. Or if they are in the paddling pool and I need to grab something he can watch. Going to a theme park in r going to Disneyland. That sounds crazy I know, but it’s an example of the practicalities of how it’s easier with two parents. But I guess I shouldn’t keep him for those reasons, as that’s unfair on him.

I am by myself most evenings, so it is only weekends or holidays this makes a difference - not from the POV of his presence but practical help.

He can try and reconnect, but it's too little too late, and you have plenty of history of him returning to type rather than any meaningful change, so tbh it sounds like you have given him every chance and explained to him in multiple ways that you aren't happy, and really, it's not a priority for him, and he wants you to do everything, not complain and not talk to anyone about it.
It's no way to live.
He can scramble around making his false promises, but it sounds like that is all they are.

@Tadah123 it sounds utterly miserable.

Noting that your children are 2 and 4, I think you need to leave asap. My parents had a loveless, hateful marriage (not abusive; both successful) and stuck it out until I was 12. The older the DC are, the harder it will be for them.

Also, my dad was lovely. They were just exceptionally ill-suited to each other and shouldn't have got married to each other in the first place.

leave him. It won’t get better. You will be surprised how quickly you feel better when alone.

Doesn’t sound great does it?

It sounds joyless, wearing and miserable.

How old are your Dc?

You may well find that the sense of freedom gives you the extra energy to enjoy being a single Mum.

I’m not sure why you haven’t left already. There’s so much more to life. Plus, you shouldn’t be showing this sort of relationship to your kids, they’ll mirror you. Leave, find happiness.

Just leave.

These are really silly reasons to stay with a man who has completely checked out of partnership and parenting.

Get a really good solicitor.

Figure out what to do about the family home when you divorce.

Your children will be too old for paddling pools and old enough not to need constant looking after in a few short years. You'll be able to head off on holidays with them and without the mountains of gear and the eyes in the back of your head before you know it.

Has he always been like this @Tadah123? Only if not l wondered if he was suffering from depression

She says in the op they are 2 and 4.

The very least you can do for yourself is mentally and emotionally check out. You think you have but you haven’t completely. Totally drop the rope. Who cares if he makes social gatherings a misery? Go without him and make no accommodations. Don’t ask after him, don’t absorb his moods, don’t allow him an inch to say he is ‘unsupported’. Buy in child care, take up space in your life. Drop him. And when you are stronger you’ll be able to walk away.

You will be surprised at how many odd job men and women who are out there, I have a fantastic local man who will come and do anything I need, so yes he would blow up a paddling pool - tho there is so much you will actually be able to do yourself when you try.

You earn well, take a temp nanny on holiday with you - there are agencies that specialise in this.

Do not stay like this for your children, you will all be happier when you divorce.

You need to ask yourself this question, can I continue to live this way for the next forty or sixty years until I die?

If the answer is no then get out now before the children become damaged by him. He won't change, he refuses to change, which means you need to. As pp said there are plenty of handymen out there, I've heard of Task Rabbit that some posters here have used etc. You can do this

This.
Mine are 2 and 4 and much more manageable now.
I also fhink separating is much easier emotionally for kids when they are smaller.

You make good money - go for it.
Unless he was showing pronounced willing to change that was converting into actual positive change id be leaving use the counselling to work out the details.