He’s still being controlling isn’t he?

[Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore]

We’ve been separated for 7 months now. Instigated by me - finally - after years of dealing with his anger and moods.

I am in the family home, with our teen DDs.
He’s been living in a friend’s place for the whole time. But it’s small and hard to get to, so he spends time with the girls at the family home.

For my mental health, don’t want to be there with him. But he‘s really bad at communicating with me (or DDs) about when he wants to see them. It ends up that I tell him my schedule and he comes at random times when I’m not there.

He’s not seen them that much this week because they both have exams, so I asked him when he wanted to see them this weekend. I said what I had on, but that I’d work around what he wanted.

I asked how long he wanted at the house. No reply. Then I happened to see him driving past having obviously left. Still nothing. I also asked him about something we need to sort out for the youngest - again no reply.

I don’t know why he doesn’t respond, why he can’t say ‘I’d like every other weekend, or certain nights’. He stays one night a week and “pops in” on other days when I’m not there. The girls never know when he’s coming.

I wish he didn’t use the house anymore.

Have you spoken with a solicitor? You are in a difficult spot if you both own the house but this is definitely still controlling behaviour. I would be cautious about doing anything that may trigger him as this is a dangerous time but you need support to know what steps you can put in place to protect you and your girls.

It’s a headf@&k. He’s said he doesn’t want to fit it with my schedule. But then doesn’t tell me what he wants instead.

He has been Mr Reasonable in lots of ways - says he’ll split everything 50/50 and I should stay in the house till the youngest is 18 (or longer). Then he says he can’t afford to rent anywhere - though he could use some savings if he chose to. Or we could sell the house. But he doesn’t want to do that either.

A couple of months ago he said he was going to look at places to rent that were nearer - nothing’s happened.

I spoke to a solicitor before we separated. Maybe I should go in again.

Honestly, the girls are teens. They can go to a cafe, they can go to his for dinner, it is not your responsibility to house him. Ask the girls what they want, as teens rhey can have a say, suggest that you would like a schedule so you know who is home for dinner and so things can be planned. If they agree, send him a proposal with a start date.

Boundaries- time to put them in place. But he is very likely to kick up a stink when you do. So being prepared. Move anything special, important paperwork, etc Put of the house so he can't reach it. Seek solicitor advice ASAP. He could continue to pay 50% mortgage and then ask for 50% rent from you, or you could say you will pay the mortgage. I would sell the home and give him one less thing to control if you can.

But you need a safe, secure home where you can relax. You need boundaries, he doesn't get access to your life now. Abd the girls need a routine because they need to plan time with friends etc surely.

I would sell the house - it’s not his decision in a separation situation if this went to court you would be allowed to sell it or buy him out without his permission.

While he is still the joint owner clearly he sees this as his house that he can pop by whenever he chooses and he can. Get the house valued by 3 estate agents and propose you go for the middle one in terms of value (or if you want to buy out you’d like the lower one if you can get him to agree in writing to that - start emailing him about separation / divorce stuff to you have a paper trail)

it can be tempting to accept his terms and stay in the house but at what sacrifice? He would continue to call the shots and you may feel increasingly powerless.

can you get the kids themselves to text him about meeting up at the weekend and ask them to suggest a cafe or somewhere not at the house? They are teens they should be able to manage this themselves.

Sounds like you are having too much communication. Cut it right down. If your DCs are teens let them sort out where and when they see their dad. But set an expectation that it’s outside the house. Then he will have to be more organised rather than rocking up whenever he pleases. I wouldn’t like that at all. Boundaries!

A divorce should be clean break and a financial agreement should be reached to enable him to get his share out of the house and move on. Why haven’t you seen a solicitor? Very odd. It’s his house too so you cannot bar him. As a result you need to sell and divide the marital assets and move on. Very few divorced women get to stay in a house which then prevents ex getting housed. You should both expect to be housed. Do see a solicitor and get this moving and agree child arrangemrbts too. Teens can have input into that.

Have you started the Divorce proceedings yet @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore? If not, I would start that now, then see a Solicitor as soon as you can about sorting out the finances.

Just wondering too if you have a lock in your bedroom door and if you’ve stored everything previous to you at someone else’s home?

what is the financial set up you have agreed as part of the separation? Jointly owning the house pending divorce doesn’t really work for you both. He can’t afford a place of his own and you can’t tolerate him using the house.

How far off agreeing your financial settlement are you both - after 7 months you should be nearly there and the summer after exams would be the ideal time to market the house.

In the end it will come down to what you want to prioritise and can tolerate. If you want your own property that he has no interest in then sell up or buy him out. There is a process for ending the situation and you don’t need his permission to use it. Just decide what you want to do.

To be honest I think his occasional visits may be irritating but worth it if you got to remain in the family home for 7 months whilst he is lodging in a friends house. But if you don’t like it you need to change it. That can only be done by removing his rights to access the property or by a clean break.

He is still the joint homeowner - he has every right to still be there full time let alone popping in. When I split my wife stayed here until the day I paid her off, then she was out.

Stop telling him your schedule.

What's your plan regarding the house?