Reassurance needed that young children can thrive after parental separation

[AldiNappies]

Am in the early stages of separating from my husband. I feel completely terrified that I will damage my children by separating. They are 5 and 7.

Looking for some reassurance that children can have happy lives despite having to live in two houses and grow up with two parents separated.

Honestly everything feels so raw at the moment. I'm finding it hard not to panic. Thank you in advance.

They can, it crumbles when you try and ‘blend’ families with some random other children imho

Yes this adds additional complications. No other parties in this split for now. Can't imagine ever being in another relationship again right now to be honest.

Will you be able to co parent amicably?

I think the children can thrive as long as

You

Don't insult the other parent to the children
Make sure the children still see both parents.

That is all they need really

(I am a child of divorce. I was 5 when my parents got divorced)

OP - it will always be better than staying in a bad relationship.

my relationship with my exH is as and as it can be and I still think it’s better for the kids we split.

my DC we’re just a bit younger than yours. They are happy and thriving. Over the years, they have occasionally expressed sadness about their parent snot being together.
my DS has said in the past he wanted us to live together a few years after the split- that came from nowhere.
they’ve also expressed sadness at the fact me and their dad don’t get on.

but overall they are happy kids.

they also don’t have a bad idea about relationships. You will be happier and that will benefit your kids

It's never easy but it's better that you are doing it sooner rather than dragging the marriage out for the kids. From my own experience as a child of divorced parents I would say always talk respectfully about your ex in front of your children and don't rush to introduce new partners and blend families.

From your OP it's obvious that your DC's welfare is your priority so I think they are going to be just fine.

Yes. My adults daughters tell me that they understand now and at the time it was for the best after the initial shock as the home environment was better and they had anicer time with us separately. They were were around 8 and 12 and the important thing to them was that they were reassured that they would still see their Dad although he didn't live with us may be trickier if a parent vanishes from their lives and definitely trickier if blending families as mentioned above. Best not to do that.

They absolutely can I assure you as I have with through it with my two children. But I keep the co parenting very amicable so am lucky in that sense

Child of a divorce here. It can work if

1. Allow and support lots of contact with both parents
2. Do not badmouth other parent to the dc
3. Do not push dc to pick sides
4. Allow dc to express that it's hard and they sometimes might wish their parents were together.
5. Put the dc first when it comes to new partners and blending families.
6. Don't make dc feel guilty for still loving their Dad/Mum . Their relationship will be much longer than yours ever was with him as it will continue into adulthood so don't try to manage it!

It’s not separating that harms children
its how you handle separation that can

if you can be civil if not friendly, attend things together so children don’t feel in the middle ( like sports Day etc) can be flexible with child arrangements etc, can live close so children are not dragged away from sports/friends/parties etc eow as they’re too far away and so on

you need to work together even if that means biting your tongue sometimes or if you think your ex is a ( insert word of choice)

It’s not the form of home that matters it is how functional the home. A bad marriage isn’t good for functional home life.

The important thing to do now is not let the bad marriage become a bad divorce. If you ex is on the same page as you on this point will ensure your children are not stressed by the separation. Which will be hard because divorce is a stressful experience for adults. There will be points where what you both want from the split come into conflict. Generally because you both want the same thing.

Basically don’t burden your children with adult problems.

Mine are 18 and 21 now, they were 5 and 2 when we split and are smart, well adjusted and happy young adults. Good relationship with both parents. A big part of this is my ex and I ensured we came together on rules / problems etc and always sang from the same hymn sheet. Never criticised the other parent or withheld contact etc. Despite the break up being hard, I had to put aside a lot of my feelings (and sure he did too) to ensure the kids came first. We did become friends, and we are still in regular touch even though youngest is an adult now. We still have a family what’s app group with daily posts.

The two homes thing may be harder for you than for the kids. I upset myself a lot when my daughter is with her dad but she is fine - even if I am not.

also you have more than one child so they can be there for each other and not face it alone.

a few things we are doing

• we transfer her belongings between the houses ourselves - she doesn’t have to take stuff to school etc that she needs. We manage all of that for her so her things are always where she is
• we try and get on in front of her and wish each other a good weekend etc
• we don’t do pick up and drop off on the curb side we go into each others houses (I bought my ex out of the family home so I still live at home)

One thing that she says is hard is that this house she has lived in and called home since she was born so when her dad and her grandmother keep pressing on her that her dads house is her home now she feels very confused and conflicted with this part of the split. Like what she has believed to be true she is now being told it’s not true.

She does say she wishes we were still together a lot. This is always crushing but I have to accept she will always feel like that even if the separation is going ok.

If you can be child centric, both of you that is, and amicably agree to how you will raise the children, be able to be at events (eg birthdays) no arguments over Christmas etc, swopping dates with each other to make everyone happy and most of all no snide remarks to the dc about the other parent it is possible, even when you are both in new relationships, it’s all about trust, flexibility and putting the dc above the reason you split I suppose. Plenty of people can’t be friends because of the circumstances but those who can will have it easier.

my dc were older but did appreciate the fact that we tried to make it as easy as possible for them.

Ps I stayed with their dad until he left me 2 days after DD’s 18th, dd then said to me, why didn’t I leave 10 years prior! I thought I was doing the right thing but staying together isn’t the right thing. I am happily remarried now, to a man in the same (mirror) circumstances, his wife left him) but I do ponder those years I just put up with it