I have a plan to leave. What do you wish you’d done?

[thisist]

Separated years, divorce now in progress, but he will block every step of the way. Wants to carry on living together until kids are 18+ as it obviously suits him.

I have a plan to leave in 2 years. This ties in with one child finishing GCSEs and parents are going to buy a house for me to rent from them (insanely lucky that this is now reality, but I’ve been incredibly unfortunate in so many ways for my whole life so don’t pounce!).

I’m looking for advice. I have 2 years to get myself in the best possible position to rebuild my life after a completely abusive and toxic relationship. What do you wish you’d done? What will give me the best start?

Things I’m already doing:
Decluttering, selling + minimising
Stopped all non essential spending; saving as much as possible.
Dropped into convos with the kids now and then about other houses in the area, other nice places to live, so they consider this might not be their home forever

I have 2 years. I don’t want to waste it and wish I’d done certain things.

Get proof of his salary and anything else he has an income from. My ExH convinced CMS that he earned £34k, when in fact he earned £134k. I had no way to prove any different.

See a good solicitor. I was entitled to way more than I realised. Thank goodness I did pay for good advice.

Be prepared for him to turn into an utter bastard once he knows you're leaving. Mine tried to con me out of money, not pay child support and he even beat me up twice. I would never have thought he was capable of any of that. Be prepared for him turning into your enemy.

Be careful about savings because they’ll be considered a marital asset and you could lose half. In your shoes I’d have no qualms about hiding money - giving it to a trusted relative to hold in their account for you.

I would see a solicitor for advice on your specific circumstances sooner rather than later. Your plan to move into a rental property owned by your parents might disadvantage you in terms of a financial settlement/division of assets. If you're saving money, have you got somewhere to stash it so your STBXH doesn't get half? Congratulations on your decision. It's great to have a plan. Do gather any pensions and investment info you can find. Best of luck.

I wish we had separated much earlier

Can you really endure this for 2 whole years? You won’t get that time back! Isn’t it prolonging the agony?

If you know you’re going to get a house in 2 yrs can you not take the hit of renting somewhere just so you can break free?

Also think about your own work, 2 years is long enough to look for promotion or a new role that will secure your financial position longer term. Be in the best position possible to live independently so when you’re ready you can leave without immediate financial stress.

Definitely finances as above. But watch out, while you are married your savings are his savings too and if it gets nasty those could be vulnerable.

Ensure you will be financially independent after the split - play out all the options including kids wanting to stay with you but no child maintenance etc. Thank goodness for your parents, they must be so happy they can do this for you.

Get yourself some lovely therapy: make sure you understand how you ended up where you are and make sure you don't end up here again.

Think about all his potential reactions (anger, weeping and begging, immediately shagging around) and plan how you are going to react. Also consider how your and his friends may react.

Go now

Don't wait 2 years would be my advice. Anything you save is half his, hiding assets is frowned upon. If you're housed due to your parents generosity you'll potentially get less marital assets as your needs are met, and if you're earning more in 2 years time, the same applies. He'll also be entitled to claim on your pension, which will have more in it 2 years down the line.

I think others are right to say do not wait 2 years unless it's absolutely necessary. The older your children are, the less favourable the financial settlement will be to you. Plus it's another couple of years of you all living with a toxic man. It's harmful to the children.

Go before the start of GCSE.

There’s hardly anything to rent in our area. That’s why parents and I have had to come up with this plan. There’s literally no other way. Already endured it for several years. I think I can manage 2 more .

Those saying not to wait…how do I speed this up in reality? If I apply for a court order to force the sale, what happens in the interim whilst you both try to find somewhere else to live? He could surely block any sale of the house by pissing everyone in the chain off by saying he can’t find anywhere to move to? How in reality does this get resolved when one party will do everything in their power to maintain the status quo?

What will be different in 2 years? This is the point of forcing the sale - it stops him frustrating the process, because the court makes the decisions and sets the time frame for actions.

I would leave asap - when I split it was around 9-10 weeks between being told she wanted to split and her moving out as I had remortgaged and bought her out.

One option could be (?) to get your parents to buy the house rather than another one for you to rent. Then, as a sweetener you offer him a little more to do this quick.

But as others have said this puts you in a good position, hence you need to do this now. Sorry to be negative but what if anything happened to your parents and you received inheritance, as things stand I believe he would get half?

Getting out now is much better for you and your peace of mind. A solicitor can advise on how to do this quick.

WIth regards to savings... as others have said, thats a marital asset so be careful. What you could do is when you do the weeks shop add a £25 gift voucher in and hide at home. They add up! Or withdraw cash occasionally and stash that safely.