Hi everyone.
DH and I have been together 14 years, married for 12 with two DS age 6 and 3.
From the outside the marriage has always been “ok”. Friends would say we are well suited. But he cheated on me twice very early on in our marriage which I forgave very quickly (I hate confrontation) but never really dealt with - locked it away in a box and put it in the back of my mind.
Not long after our first DS was born I discovered he had been filming me in our bedroom on a GoPro hidden behind some furniture. He says this was because he was worried I was having an affair as I was back at work (from home) full time and that I’d become “distant” since having our DS. I wasn’t cheating, but the reason for my distance was because I was suffering from post natal depression which is diagnosed a few weeks after that episode. Again I never really dealt with this, and everything went back to normal very quickly as I wanted to remove tension at home. Recently I’ve also discovered that he’s been audio recording me when I’ve been working from home.
He is a very good dad to our boys, but over the last few years has become very introverted and withdrawn. We don’t communicate at all and haven’t had sex for over 12 months. He says he’s changed because of the guilt of what he has put me through weighs on him. He’s also not very happy in his job. This has led to a lot of unhappiness and tension at home, slowly getting worse over the last 2 years or so.
About 12 months ago I got promoted at work and assigned a mentor. He really challenged me professionally and personally, and made me face up to some of the things I’ve always done before - avoiding confrontation, people pleaser etc. The more I opened up to him the closer we became, and whilst I’m very ashamed to admit it - I suppose we fell into an emotional affair. Nothing physical has happened but I feel as if he’s opened my eyes to what “good” should be and how much I deserve. In reality, there is no future with this man as he is married himself and life is complicated enough without throwing that into the mix.
However, I’ve now reached a stage in my life at 45, where I want to be happy and I don’t feel like that will be the case if I stay in my marriage. DH and I have had some counselling sessions but neither of us felt it did us any good. I told DH I wanted to separate last night and he took it fairly badly - lots of tears, saying he didn’t know how he was going to cope, or how he was going to afford to look after the boys or have his own place (he only works part time).
The guilt is CRUSHING me. I feel so selfish for putting myself first for the first time in my life, and all the pain it’s going to cause everyone, not least our beautiful DS’s. I know it would be easier to stay and bury my feelings but i know that’s not sustainable long term.
Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you x