Wanting to separate after years of mistrust and growing unhappiness

[marvellousmaplesyrup]

Hi everyone.
DH and I have been together 14 years, married for 12 with two DS age 6 and 3.
From the outside the marriage has always been “ok”. Friends would say we are well suited. But he cheated on me twice very early on in our marriage which I forgave very quickly (I hate confrontation) but never really dealt with - locked it away in a box and put it in the back of my mind.
Not long after our first DS was born I discovered he had been filming me in our bedroom on a GoPro hidden behind some furniture. He says this was because he was worried I was having an affair as I was back at work (from home) full time and that I’d become “distant” since having our DS. I wasn’t cheating, but the reason for my distance was because I was suffering from post natal depression which is diagnosed a few weeks after that episode. Again I never really dealt with this, and everything went back to normal very quickly as I wanted to remove tension at home. Recently I’ve also discovered that he’s been audio recording me when I’ve been working from home.
He is a very good dad to our boys, but over the last few years has become very introverted and withdrawn. We don’t communicate at all and haven’t had sex for over 12 months. He says he’s changed because of the guilt of what he has put me through weighs on him. He’s also not very happy in his job. This has led to a lot of unhappiness and tension at home, slowly getting worse over the last 2 years or so.
About 12 months ago I got promoted at work and assigned a mentor. He really challenged me professionally and personally, and made me face up to some of the things I’ve always done before - avoiding confrontation, people pleaser etc. The more I opened up to him the closer we became, and whilst I’m very ashamed to admit it - I suppose we fell into an emotional affair. Nothing physical has happened but I feel as if he’s opened my eyes to what “good” should be and how much I deserve. In reality, there is no future with this man as he is married himself and life is complicated enough without throwing that into the mix.
However, I’ve now reached a stage in my life at 45, where I want to be happy and I don’t feel like that will be the case if I stay in my marriage. DH and I have had some counselling sessions but neither of us felt it did us any good. I told DH I wanted to separate last night and he took it fairly badly - lots of tears, saying he didn’t know how he was going to cope, or how he was going to afford to look after the boys or have his own place (he only works part time).
The guilt is CRUSHING me. I feel so selfish for putting myself first for the first time in my life, and all the pain it’s going to cause everyone, not least our beautiful DS’s. I know it would be easier to stay and bury my feelings but i know that’s not sustainable long term.
Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you x

Filming and recording me would absolutely be the end of a marriage for me OP thats beyond controlling.
I cant see how you can get over that.

What an asshole - cheating and filming you without concent are both horrible breaches of your trust. He may be a good father, but he’s not a good husband.

You’ve finally gotten sick of him, and now he’s just feeling sorry for himself. You should have left years ago, don’t stay out of guilt you will never be happy.

Forget the other guy for the moment, he’s a complication - at least he allowed you to see what you were missing.

Would you try individual counseeling to have a space to talk about your needs going forward?

Well done, you’ve ripped the plaster off by telling him you want to separate.

Now you just have to stay strong, he will throw everything at you - guilt, anger, manipulation, love bombing, withdrawal, denial, deflection, the whole works.

He’s an absolutely terrible husband, I know it’s easy to say from behind a screen when you’re not living it, but for me it would have been over when I caught him filming me with hidden camera in the bedroom - that’s actually really disturbing behaviour. Are you safe? Please tell either some family or close friends what’s going on soon, today if possible.

Nihongo
What an asshole - cheating and filming you without concent are both horrible breaches of your trust. He may be a good father, but he’s not a good husband.

or a good human being. Sorry all of this happened to you op x

Why is he only working part time whilst you’re presumably full time?

I would have left after the cheating, never mind the filming etc bit concerning confrontational or not why you didn't see how wrong these things are and stayed

You’re doing the right thing don’t let him guilt trip you into changing your mind, it’s just another way to control you.

Did he feel guilt when he was shagging around and filming you ?
Betrayal is bad enough but i am absolutely horrified that he was filming you , totally unforgivable.
You have no need to feel even an atom of guilt , you need to get as far away as possible from this disgusting man.
I am relieved to see you are in the better financial position, who gives a shit that he works part time -not your problem.
You have put up with far too much for far too long and it's time for you to live a life that you want ,on your terms .
Good luck, you really deserve to be happy .

I’ve done what you did. Some of the best advice I heard was you have to do what’s best for you even when it feels like shit.

And it does but what you allow in your life is what you will get. Onwards and upwards OP.

How he copes is his problem. He could start by getting a full-time job.

Your DVs need at least one functioning adult parent in their lives. Moving on from this poor marriage is your way of ensuring that you, at least, safeguard your mental health so you can parent them.

As for the guilt. You were not the one who cheated on your wife - not once, but twice - early on. And the recording and filming I would be very uneasy about and could never forgive. His actions more than yours have led you to the door marked Divorce. Please remember that.

And please stay safe - anyone who records their spouse has a bit of a control/possessiveness problem.

Why do you feel guilty? He cheated on you and exhibited controlling behaviour by filming and recording you without your consent. Then tried to gaslight you by blaming it all on cheating concerns when he was the cheat.
Find some self respect.
You deserve so much better.

Thank you so much for your replies, they gave me so much strength back when I first posted. Things have moved on slightly and I now need some further advice.

Things with my DH have continued to deteriorate. He has found it difficult to accept my wanting to separate and although we have tried to keep things as amicable as possible for our DC’s, I’m ashamed to admit it, but my emotional affair with the OM has continued.

DH had an audio recording of us discussing the mutual love between us. He told me he has deleted this but I know he has a copy. I’ve discovered messages to a woman he works with where he has outlined his plan to “destroy me” fears he’s being financially shafted (he’s not, I am proposing to give him more equity and more of my pension to make things as easy as possible for him) and generally making me sound like the worst human and mother to have existed.

it has been like seeing the worst things you’ve ever thought about yourself being written in black and white by someone who you don’t even recognise anymore. This has affected me badly.

I know I am a people pleaser and the thought of him telling people of this recording and me losing friends and family because of it is crippling me. Also the realisation that things are going to be far from amicable even though I desperately want them to be for our DC’s. I’m drowning in the guilt of my emotional affair and am struggling mentally with the breakdown of my marriage and the impact it will have on my DC’s. I feel like the worst human on the world.

You are allowed to leave a marriage for any reason if it isn't working for you anymore. It isn't a life sentence.

Are you still living in the same house? Address this asap, he needs to go if possible

So he is going to blackmail you as a result of him recording your emotional affair

I would be shouting very loudly from the rooftops about the two affairs he had when you were first married and about all this illegal recording of you over the years LOUDLY

there would not be a family member or friend that would not know about his affairs and behaviour in the marriage

and I would be applying for a divorce online right now

You do know that divorce in England if that's where you live is no fault now and has been for several years and you do know anyone can file for a divorce any time they want

do not offer him anything that will be dealt with during the divorce

why is he working part time - is he the main carer for your children ?

you may think you have ' forgiven ' him for his affairs but you have not forgotten, it will always be with you.

Ok so now you need to get tough. He’s cheated, filmed you ( at a very emotionally vulnerable part of early motherhood), recorded you, is emotionally unavailable…… and you’re worried about what picture he might paint of you? Anyone with half a brain would see this for what it actually is.

He has worked part time since I got a big job and pay hike around 10 years ago, before we had children. He originally did 4 days a week but did drop down to 3 when we had our DC’s - his choice, we could easily afford to put them in nursery. DC2 starts school in Sept 2027 and he never intended to go back to full time work. Meanwhile I work full time but also take on nearly all of the admin with the house and children.

He is an excellent father to our DC’s.

I suppose I feel phenomenal guilt for engaging in an emotional affair with another man while still married. But he has made me realise that I’ve been unhappy for years, masking it for the sake of everyone else, and shown me what a relationship could look like. DH is saying to the woman he works with that I haven’t cared about my boys/family while meeting up with this other man which couldn’t be further from the truth, my DC are my world.

We have agreed to get through Christmas and then start the divorce process jointly. Realistically we’ll have to stay living in the same house until it sells as we both need the equity to afford separate places. So I have another layer of guilt that the family home needs to be sold too.

Honestly. You need to stop feeling guilty. Like a previous poster. Be loud and vocal about what he did previously. He's going to play on you feeling guilty.

you're allowed to leave. You're allowed to not want him anymore.

The emotional affair has opened your eyes to what could be. You won't be the first for an exit affair and certainly won't be the last.

start divorce stuff online. Separate bedrooms if you're not already. Start detaching. Let him tell everyone and follow up with why. He's now blackmailing you.

Do NOT offer anything until you speak to a solicitor!!

Plenty of women who are SAHM/part timers, are told, unfortunately they'll have to get a job/increase their hours when they end up getting divorced, so it shouldn't be any different for a man in the same situation.
And if he has caring duties for your DC, get them in nursery or childcare so he can't claim to be the primary carer.

Box clever, lady.

I agree too. It would be the end for me. As difficult as divorce is both the emotional and practical perspective its a form of control. If it helps, I had a similar experience with the monitoring. Only one episode but different episodes since and here I am years later about to initiate divorce. In confiding to professionals about the events I was signposted to a domestic abuse charity as some of the behaviours had traits of DA.