Husband blaming me after inappropriate messages and secret drinking

[Freakinout80]

Help me please. I discovered and screen shotted this last night. Ironically, it was my son‘s 11th birthday. I knew something had been off for awhile but never like this. I’m completely numb and unable to function. I’ve confronted him and it’s apparently my fault. I’m arrogant and never listen to his needs and this is why he has done this. I work too much and apparently have nothing left for him even though I don’t work evenings, weekends or holidays (13 weeks a year). This isn’t his first rodeo. Back in January 2025 I discovered that he was an alcoholic and had been secretly drinking for some time and at the same time he had been messaging somebody inappropriately telling them that they were beautiful and that he loved them. He obviously says that this wasn’t inappropriate he was just being friendly. Please tell me what a mug I am.

Thats someone’s name and photo you’ve put up on the internet 🤔.

How awful, I feel so sorry for you.

Have a google of the script. They all do this song and dance when discovered. Rewrite history and all sorts.

Please do your homework, sort out the finances and make copies of everything then divorce the fucker. There is no coming back from this. How dare the cheating rat blame you.

So this isn’t a new thing because he’s done it before. Scumbag.
He's clearly never going to change. You’re not a mug right now but if you give him a third chance then you would be.
Sorry he’s putting you through this. It isn’t your fault.

Sorry you're going through this. In the classics of MN:
'sorry you're going through this'
'he is showing you who he is'
'pull up your big girl pants'
'get your ducks in a row'
'the script' (as per PP above)

I need him to leave

You’re not a mug.

You will be a mug if you stay with him.

As above. Take advice, and get moving on a separation.
@NoCommentingFromNowOn I doubt she's actually called Dave Bass

So…. Have you asked him to?

If that photo (man or woman?) is one of your contacts photos then you’ll recognise it.

Don't ask him.
Tell him

Not one of my contacts and not one of his fb friends. I have asked him to leave but he’s going nowhere

They both sound like idiots.

You know the answer- trust your gut.

As you’re married you can’t force him to leave. If he won’t go, all you can do is start the process to divorce and housing will be resolved as part of that , or if there’s abuse they for an occupation order

If you’re married and jointly own/rent the house, then no-he probably isn’t going to.

You can start divorce proceedings though and put the house on the market/give notice.

You are married so the house if owned is likely a joint asset so no, he doesn’t have to leave any more than you do. You could buy him out, or he could buy you out, or the house will need to be sold and profits split. See a lawyer, start divorce proceedings, you deserve better op.

If you are in England or Wales it is now a no fault divorce that you can do online for £600. It is a tick box thing so anyone can do it, but definitely get a solicitor to help with the financials.

Start the online divorce.
Get financial information for you and him, mortgage equity, pensions, savings etc.
Get the house valued and on the market.
Consult a solicitor for a one off appointment to start.

As pp said - you are only a mug if you stay. You've got this 💪