Am I unreasonable to ask for 50 50 care after separation

[Scratchclaw2017]

Hi. Appreciate this is a well covered subject but after some guidance...... My spouse (soon to be ex-wife) had an affair a little over 3 years ago and we separated. I moved out as I thought that was in the best interest for the kids (of which we have 3 under the age of 13). We've been amicable for since the separation but are now in the thick of divorce proceedings and trying to sort finances and kids out. I'm a very active Dad and still go to the family home every morning to get the kids ready and take them to school, whilst their Mum goes to work. I also do pick ups and take them to clubs etc after school. Due to my living arrangements to date, which have been heavily compromised due to financial restrictions, I've been essentially visiting my kids twice in the week to do their bedtime, whilst their Mum goes off to her partners house and then returns after the kids are asleep and I then return to mine. I also have them on Saturday overnight at mine and Sunday, returning them to their Mum on Sunday teatime. I've now bought and am moving into a permanent residence (i.e. my first home for 3 years) and want the kids with me for at least the 3 nights I currently do but ideally want them 50/50 as I am 100% capable of providing a stable environment for them. My ex is resisting this arrangement as she sees herself as their primary caregiver and tells me that the kids wont want to be with me. She's also now making noises about wanting child maintenance which I'm pushing back on. To put everything into context, I believe that I actually parent the kids on a waking hour basis more than she does anyway, and its important to note that she is a top 6% earner in the UK so isn't struggling financially. What I want to know really is whether I'm being unreasonable in wanting my kids to be with me or whether I should be accepting her suggestion that the kids dont want to be with me and a change in the arrangements will be disruptive. I'm in a complete emotional whirlwind and starting to feel guilty about what I'm proposing. Any thoughts will be much appreciated. TIA.

Shes being unreasonable! My brother has just gone through similar and was told 50/50 is pretty much the default in the UK now , unless there are strong reasons not to such as distance between houses or if you weren't able to care for the children properly (which it sounds like you are!).

So if she is resisting it you could probably take it through a court and win. Or maybe mediation first?

She’s being unreasonable
if you can do 50:50 and the kids also want it then that’s how it should be

I bet she doesn’t want to do 50/50 😂 there will be no child maintenance payable. I can’t believe she had the nerve to ask in the first place given that by the sounds of it you do most of the parenting anyway.

In court, you'd get 50/50 unless there are some welfare concerns. The 13 years old would have their voice heard if they wished, but that doesn't forcibly mean 50/50 wouldn't apply, but it could if their reasons were deemed reasonable (ie. travelling to school Vs prefer at mum because they can be on tiktok until 1am).

I think you need to think about what a disruptive way to live 50:50 is. There was a thread on here a couple of months ago where people were answering who had lived this way themselves.

In a few cases, where the parents were extremely well organised ( lived near each other with replicas of clothes toys etc in each house), and also very amicable and able to agree with each other , it had worked well. But many other responders had hated it.

You sound like a very nice, capable and involved dad, not wanting this just for control. But think carefully of what way of life gets imposed on the children.

Beware of the ‘children are very adaptable’ trope.

You are not being unreasonable at all. It sounds like you already are should be the primary carer.

While I’m sure it would be lovely for you to have as much time as possible with your children, my feeling is that 50/50 isn’t really in the kids best interests. Can you imagine what a pain in the arse it would be to spend half your week living in one place and half in another? I would hate that as an adult, and I can’t see how it would be better as a child. Think about what would actually make your children’s lives as easy and pleasant as possible and go with that option.

The starting point in court is 50:50 and if you are both able to do that while providing properly for your dcs, then that is likely what the court will decide.

The dcs will have their say once they reach 11ish, and will be able to chose where they spend their time.

You sound like a great dad ☺️

So you feel the mum should have less than 50%

and you also think the mum should have less than 50%

@Scratchclaw2017 - there is a legal position, and there is what is actually best for the children.
Legally - yes, you will get your 50/50 if you go to court.

As to what is best for the children - that is different story. And it is not about YOUR ability to parent, or what you currently do. I think currently you are doing really well - as in you are spending a lot of time with the children, you are present in their lives in a really meaningful way. And, MOST IMPORTANTLY - their lives are not disrupted by logistics of moving around.

So often divorced ex-spouses make this fight about 50/50 about themselves - and assuming they need to fight for the time or they are not full parents. (leaving the financial implication here for now). However - children don't perceive their parent's roles in days of the week numbers. They judge and remember their parent's involvement by the quality of the relationship.
So - my advice here - is try to separate your anger over the affair, etc. And don't feel like you need to prove or defend your father's role by fighting on the days.

Personally - I'd first establish your new home. Make sure your kids are involved in making their rooms in your new place - truly theirs. Get them to chose things for the rooms, etc. Than start with the routine as is.
And as the time progresses - you can see if some changes can be gradually introduced, and if the kids are receptive.

An abrupt change - where they, say - have to move out of the home they have known all their lives and live in a new home IS quite a dramatic change. And while for you it would be a WIN - over your ex, and a fair win as she had the affair, and you had to move out, and you didn't cause it. BUT in the end of the day - it's your children who are having to go through the change that will make their lives harder.
So - maybe, if you can - let things evolve? Put them first, hard as it is...

On the child maintenance point.... Setting aside the time arrangements - how are the costs divided now - clothing, uniform, school lunches, holiday cover, activities? Food is the only cost that depends on the nights kids spend in a house - everything else does not depend on it.

If you are contributing your fair share to the children costs - then I agree, there should not be any maintenance on top of that. But if you are saying - ex is s top earner, so I should not be paying for their clothes, etc. - then I don't think it's really defensible.
In the end of the day - if you push for 50/50 and get it - you'll have to cover 50% of their costs anyway. So - use that as a guidance...

Not sure this helps, or answers your question.

@Sashya · Today 13:54
This seems such a sane, thoughtful answer
OP.

I don’t have an opinion on who should have less than 50/50, I just feel that that is a shit way for the kids to live

My friends kids hated 50/50, said they always felt like they were back and forth. The only people that benefit are the parents, not the kids.