Reasonable co-parenting arrangements when separating while pregnant with a toddler?

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Separating while pregnant: are these co-parenting arrangements for baby and toddler reasonable? 2 replies

BudgetBuster · Today 14:36

Not sure if this is the correct board, I couldn't find a specific co-parenting one.

Mh husband and I will be separating but I'm currently heavily pregnant and we share a young child. I know there will be a lot of hassle around the seperation of assets / finances etc but I think / hope the custody arrangements will be a bit easier to resolve.

I will stay in the family home, and he will need to find somewhere else to live (again this will all be a big fight I know). I will be breastfeeding this baby when it arrives and to be honest he has only done a few rare bedtimes with the toddler anyway also. He will definitely want 50/50 and I'm not against that in the longer term but I have some stipulations. I'd like to know if these are reasonable:

They can't stay overnight if he's in a house share. He needs an actual 2 bed (maybe 3 as he also has a teen).
For the toddler we start with 1 night a week and build it up over time. For the baby, no overnights until I stop breastfeeding overnight. And similarly build it up from 1 night a week etc.
My real question though is around access arrangements post-birth and in the early days. I obviously don't want him lingering around the house for ages but I'll be breastfeeding on demand so baby can't really go too far in the early days. I was thinking to perhaps suggest he can come and see the baby, take toddler out somewhere for a while, and then come back in and see the baby when he drops toddler back. Maybe one or 2 nights a week he can come and do baths or something?

He is a good Dad and I don't want to stop his involvement but I also need to leave him so I'm trying to be practical and not let my emotions get in the way.

Looking for genuine feedback - good, bad, anything at didn't think of?

I think your plan sounds good. Make sure it’s set times with the baby (little and often) and not too much. I hope he can help with a few chores eg take bins out and do the children’s laundry while he is here too (if you feel comfortable with him there).
the main role of a father of a newborn is to help the mum.
when baby is over three months he can start taking baby out in pram with toddler to local park just after a feeed and then start going to local children’s groups /stay and plays.
assuming breastfeeding goes to plan and baby won’t take a bottle then I agree no overnights before 1, after that he’d definitely get overnights if he went to court.
I think a two bed is fine as the toddler and (and baby when bigger) can stay in dad’s room with him. The teen will need their own private space.
remember you can’t dictate whether he comes and goes from family home if it’s in his name too, you just need to ask nicely.

can you get someone else to come and stay with you to help for first couple weeks with baby?

I have been a single mum from pregnancy and it was great having my mum to help me when he was a newborn.

Make sure you emphasize to dad how great and important you think he is and how you plan to increase to a huge amount of parenting time for him at a child led pace, so he doesn’t panic.

Ps why don’t you start him off having set nights with the toddle now that he always does bedtimes alone (will give you a break and it’ll help his argument for more overnights)

Just out of interest op why do you want to break up with him right now? Do you feel safe? Is he useless at helping?

What is the plan for getting him to leave the family home? Is it mortgage or rented? You can’t force him to leave, and if he does leave you can’t expect him to pay towards that house or bills, have you factored those things into your decision making?

Assuming you are all safe and he doesn’t pose a risk for a child or you, your ideas don’t sound too bad but he could push for more through court if he decided to. My friend went through this last year with a 3 year old & a newborn and although court agreed with no overnights for newborn as breastfeeding, court decided for newborn shorter visits but more frequently I think it ended up being 2-3 hours 3 times per week and then to increase to longer & taking baby out once slightly older, to be revised to include overnights once feeding no longer a concern. The 3 year old though he was granted 2 overnights per week and again with a view to increase that to 50/50.

Honestly, I'd rather he not even come to the house, i don't want any boundaries crossed but I acknowledge that wity a breastfed newborn that'll have to be the way. Tbf I think he'll still be living here for probably the first 2-3 months anyway until I can get the house remortgaged etc.

Yes, my mum can stay with me as long as I need.

Yes I agree 2 bed is fine, I meant 3 bed as he might just prefer that but minimum 2. Moreover I think its important he's not in a house share. I wouldn't be comfortable with random people living with the kids.

Yes, perfectly safe. He has a spending/ gambling problem. I thought it was under wraps, I helped clear and am still paying big loans to clear debts and it came to light again that he's just maxed out more credit cards and taken on loads of more finance. He isn't even remorseful just says it isn't my business but it is when I'm the one fixing it.

I just need to prioritise keeping a roof over my kids heads and food on the table. I can't do that with him dragging us down repeatedly.

House is mortgaged. I'll buy him out. I know it'll be a big argument but I don't see a judge forcing me to sell if I can buy him out at market rate and my kids get to stay in their family home. He can't buy me out, his credit rating is shot.

You say he is a good dad, but your only willing to allow toddler to stay over 1 night a week?

If thats what he wants then fine but that doesnt seem much? Ok, there is the gambling, and a house to sort out, but in principle what is wrong with 50/50 or close to that?

I will stay in the family home, and he will need to find somewhere else to live (again this will all be a big fight I know).

you do know you can’t unilaterally decide that? He has to agree?

If you reread, i said 1 overnight initially and build it up to 50/50. I do all bedtimes. It wouldn't be fair to throw a 2 year old who cries for me at bedtime into 50/50 straight away.

I'll be buying him out.