Newly separated - kids don’t want to see their dad

[LetaLestrange]

I’ve been separated since beginning of Feb. It’s been a long time coming but I was the one who called it.

For now, I am in the family home with DD8 & DD10. H is in Airbnb.

We've agreed he’ll do EOW once he’s in a permanent place but until then he’s barely seeing them: a few hours on a Saturday afternoon. He doesn’t have them in the Airbnb - There’s no room for them to stay over, and there’s nothing to do there, so in order for them to see him he has to take them out or come here and I go out.

It’s not going well. They don’t want to be dragged out every weekend (he struggles to manage them both alone & they’re simply not used to being alone with him). He doesn’t want to come here to see them as “he needs to set a boundary to protect his mental health”. And if they don’t want to see him he just shrugs it off as “fine, don’t then”.

I’m not getting any break and I’m exhausted. And while i can’t force him to move somewhere more appropriate; I’m worried that the longer he takes to get sorted in a place they can spend time, the harder it’s going to be. DD10 in particular doesn’t have a great relationship with him and resists spending any time with him.

What can i do? I want them to spend time with him and have a relationship with him, but it feels like I am the only one trying to make it happen.

You move out every other weekend and stay at the Airbnb ?

H doesn’t want to be here - says it’s too hard for him

How long til he gets a permanent place? That’s really the solution

I think you need to take a step back from this and just leave him to it. Support your DC; if they don't want to go out tell them that this is entirely up to them. If he shrugs and doesn't bother then let him.

You are separated and it is not your job to continue to manage his relationship with his children. As long as you are not actively seeking to prevent him seeing them I do not believe you need to do anything else. You certainly don't need to be the one trying to organise it all on his behalf.

Agree completely with @Hatty65

He's a grown man. And he's showing you how much he priorities his children. Ie. He doesn't prioritise them whatsoever.

Make a strong and decent life for yourself and your kids. Drop contact with him down to the barest essentials. Live your own life and let him lose out on your wonderful children. Yes it's tiring doing it all but it's so worth it.

I would truly never push contact with a man who isn't interested, who doesn't love his children enough to get his life sorted. He's no useful contribution to their lives; in fact he's actively damaging to their emotions. Why put them through that, he's not worth it.

To be honest, a man who when faced with not seeing his children, just shrugs and says "fine, don't then" and puts foibles about being in the family home for a few hours over seeing them, is probably not going to put himself out long term.

I think you need to plan to be a lone mum.

Tbh a large part of my wanting to separate was that I don’t feel he is capable of putting others before himself (even his kids) - there’s a whole backstory on that about his relationship with DD10.

He very much sees himself as the injured party here and keeps talking about the trauma of losing his home and his family. I’ve been trying to be kind but the whole “I’m so traumatised at not seeing my kids” is starting to wear a little thin for me when he’s barely seeing them.

They aren’t bothered. DD10 says she feels nothing’s changed as I was the one who did everything for them at home, and the one who spent time with them. She says the only thing that’s different is she feels she’s being forced to spend time with him - without me - which she didn’t have to before. I’ve had to ask him to stop asking her if she misses him. It makes extremely uncomfortable because she doesn’t. But she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I feel like he does want to spend time with them - but only on his terms and with someone else actually doing the parenting. He’s very emotionally needy - he’d come in from work in the evenings going “hey girls! Daddy’s home! Who wants to see Daddy? Who wants to give Daddy a cuddle?” And then be all hurt and offended when they barely looked up from their Lego.

I’m doing this alone, aren’t I? This is going to be exhausting 😢

Yes, a man who does not take responsibility when you are together is not going to suddenly take responsibility when you are apart.
Speaking as someone who has done it 99% alone for 15 years.
It’s also not your responsibility to make the DC see their father. He needs to decide he wants to do that. The best thing you can do for yourself is work out how to make your life easier day to day.

He won’t be rushed. Pretty sure he booked the Airbnb for May too.

but even once he has a place, he’s not positioning it as “their other home”. He’s talking about a bunk bed in a box room and “they’ll have to accept it”. DD10 has ASD and really needs her own space.

He could definitely afford a bigger place - I’ve sent him links. But he’s very particular about where he’ll live and what he wants. I’ve tried to say that he might need to re-prioritise his own wishlist in order to make it somewhere his kids want to be…. But he’s too bitter and angry to listen to me

He isn’t going to bother building a relationship with them is he?

😢

Any chance DDs ND is inherited from him? Is he actually capable of seeing it from their point of view?

I think you're trying way too hard @LetaLestrange. As @Hatty65 says, it's not your job to facilitate his relationship with your children, all you have to do is make them available for contact.

Stop sending him links to properties and let him organize his own life. If he makes a mess of things and his children don't want to see him, that's his responsibility.

He’s diagnosed ADHD - and weaponises it. He constantly forgets DD’s routines, her interests, her triggers - and then when she reacts angrily he yells at her for it because “it’s not his fault” 🙄

Bedtimes were awful: i used to push him to do her bedtime to try to bond which in hindsight was probably a mistake. He never made a full week without some kind of fight. Teeth weren’t brushed, not wearing her brace etc And I have to come in to calm her down and get her settled then listen to him either a) in full self pity of what a shit dad he is (yes); or b) ranting about how awful she is and that we should put her in a children’s home.

I’m certain he’s ASD too but he’s not been diagnosed. Several of my family are too (I’ve never sought a diagnosis personally but it wouldn’t surprise me if I was too).

Sorry, that was a bit of a dripfeed!

looking at it written down, I’m not sure I even want him spending time with them.

Yes, well I have ADHD and I manage to look after my DC myself. What you are describing has nothing to do with neurodiversity and everything to do with not taking responsibility.

From experience I can advise you:

Stop giving him any of your headspace and mental energy.

Put your efforts into how you can make life easier for you and your children.

Build a network of people who do give a shit about you and don’t worry about what your ex does. He is irrelevant to you.

It’s easier being a lone parent when you’re not trying to push water uphill. At the moment you have the worst of all worlds. Take away his power and remove the uncertainty. Expect zero from him.

It’s only useful if he’s open to following the suggestion but what could help is for him to take on one or two parts of the kids’ weekly routine. So like, taking them to their netball game on Saturday mornings or going to the library afterschool every Tuesday to go through their homework with them then let them pick a book to borrow. Something that has a purpose in the kids’ minds beyond Dad wanting them to show him they like him. It would be showing them he cares instead of telling them. And parents aren’t cool when you’re 8 and 10 - kids that age want their parents to be there loving them and supporting them and showing them they matter. They are past the hero worship stage of when they are preschoolers!

Thanks - this is helpful (and I love the username!)

DD10 has therapies twice a week and I’ve asked if he can commit to taking her to one of them. He’d benefit from speaking with the therapist and they’d have the time in the car together too. DD8 is very much a home bird & doesn’t like to go out but I could ask him to pick her up from school once a week & give her tea.

He won’t commit to anything fixed though as he says it’s not possible with his job. He does have to travel to see clients sometimes but tbh it feels like bollocks to me. Like if he really wanted to then he’d make the effort & square it with work.

He has been texting DD10 - she recently got a phone as she walks home from school alone. But she doesn’t like it and is often quite rude to him, either ignoring him or telling him to go away.

But he’s not messaging her things she’s interested in. It’s all about him : “I went to Munich today” or “I’m going for a run later”. She doesn’t care 🙈 She did - very bravely IMO - tell him that she doesn’t want to hear from him unless it’s about things she’s interested in. He stopped for a bit but is carrying on now. I do feel this is his way of trying to build the relationship but it’s not how she wants it.

Yeah he needs to be asking her questions about her life instead of telling her about his. And the routine thing is so important. They want to know what to expect every week. If he won’t commit to one afternoon/evening this (massive eye roll from me for him not even considering asking for an early finish one day a week) then it will have to be at the weekend. They could do park run together or swimming or rock climbing or go to the cinema or have coffee/hot chocolate in costa or get all the homework done for the weekend at the library or go shopping for their next week’s lunch boxes or whatever appeals to the girls. It really will help if it’s the same thing at the same time every week.

@Otterbabiesholdhandstosleep Good ideas, but I still think that he should be building his relationship with the children and not relying on the OP to guide him. They're separated; she doesn't need to be doing this.

Op, I'm in a similar situation to you. Recently separated. The kids dad has low eq and puts himself before everyone. My kids are older than yours.

I expect nothing from him. I expect to do everything my kids need from a parent. That's hard on me, but I love them more than I need it to be fair. It's not fair and it won't be.

I take absolutely no responsibility for his relationship with our children. Yes, he's cocking it up, and yes he is hurting the children in both the short and long term, and yes it's really hard to watch my babies not getting their needs met and to do nothing to help. It's tough. But he is not my responsibility any more. What my children need is a parent who is reliably and boringly there for them in every sense with no exceptions. That's me. That's what I can do for them. It is exhausting. I didn't ask for this. It can be thankless. I'm doing my best for my kids who didn't ask for this either.

You don't have the headspace to manage him on top of everything else. Let go.

Check out narcissistic behaviours. Covert narcissism potentially. Im getting vibes. Might be my own bias though. But if he fits the bill
it might help you to understand the dynamics better.

But, yes, you are on your own. He is not a co-parent.

@LetaLestrange I don't mean to be unkind, but I'm not going to mince my words about this - what on EARTH are you thinking , trying to force him to be involved in the process of her therapy visit?!

Have you ever had therapy? It is frequently very overwhelming even for adults. And trying to suggest that she spends that fragile time before and after a therapy visit with her useless uncaring tosser of a father... Seriously, it's such a terrible idea. She would feel so disregulated. She needs you, her safe person there for her. Not that useless self-obsessed loser.

Can you imagine?! Looking at his texts and weird ways, he would almost certainly quiz her about the contents of her (private!!) therapy sessions. And again, make her feel terrible or uncared for at a stressful time. Absolutely a no-no. Please reconsider this, for her sake.