Can separated parents make living together for the children work?

[Indiexxx]

My husband has said our marriage is over. Together 21 years with 3 teens.
He wants us to stay living in same house, separate rooms etc as essentially we have been doing that for some time anyway.
Thinks that is more stable for kids and financially better (he earns more than me so buying him out isn't viable).
I could manage in the house if he left with child maintenance but it would impact on kids quality of life where they do get to do lots of activities etc
Am I being unrealistic in giving this ago?
Truthfully if money was no object I would want him to move out.
But we don't hate each other and do get along ok (though obviously the things that have caused our marriage to deteriorate won't magically evaporate, but his view is if we have removed the "couple" pressure that negates that issue)
New partners not an issue now but obviously may be in the future (though highly doubt I'll bother with another relationship again!)
Has anyone made this work?

I have no personal experience but I was listening to the Sort your life out podcast the other day where Dilly was talking to Christine McGuinness and she still lives with her ex husband Paddy. I found it really fascinating as it sounded like it really worked for them.

I was a child in a house where my parents should have divorced long before they actually did. They may have been far more acrimonious than you currently are, but I spent most of my childhood thinking their unhappy marriage was my fault and knowing they were only stuck together because of me.

I can't begin to tell you the sense of relief when one of them moved out.
Kids aren't stupid, don't try and set up a false rose tinted life for them when it isn't true. It also just prolongs the pain if they think you might get back together.

Amen to this. Absolutely the same for me. I remember going to bed and crying because I thought it was my fault they had to stick together. It was awful. They finally divorced when I was 10 and then remarried when I was 26! @Indiexxxit will stultify the pair of you if stay stuck in the same living situation - you’re adults with your own wants and needs - and honestly you are not protecting anyone by sticking it out for the sake of it. Clean break is always better although I completely understand the financial dimension. But it really will not be good for anyone to live in a hinterland - which is what it will be. Sending lots of love as I am really not being brutal for the sake of it - and you must still be reeling. X

Thank you, not brutal at all. Really appreciate your reply x

I wish you all the best, thanks for your kind response. I am rooting for you. Xxx

Are you divorcing? Or staying married but living in separate rooms?
I think if you’re divorcing, it’s easier to go for a clean break. Then everyone knows where they stand eg if one of you has a new relationship, if you want to make changes to the house, who decides /who pays for what? etc. You will also review both your finances including pensions as part of the divorce settlement so you may be able to claim for a greater portion of the house if your pensions funds are very unequal in his favour. If however, it’s more of a trial separation, then it can be a good idea to try it for a while without making any permanent changes. Although since you’ve been doing this already, I think you’re probably spinning out the inevitable.

With 3 teens, it’ll be easier than if you had young children. You may also be eligible for Universal Credit as a single working parent but this would be hard to claim if your ex-partner is living at the same address as it will look to the DWP as though you’re still a couple.

I was in a similar position 6 years ago. He stayed in the house for a couple of months after we decided to separate but if I’m honest, I couldn’t wait for him to leave.

It could possibly work if there are no feelings left on either side and you are both at the same stage of processing the situation. My husband also wanted this (our marriage fell apart last August). We tried to do this for several months but I found it very difficult to process my hurt as the split came as more of a shock to me. We ended up going back over old arguments all the time rather than moving on. It’s very painful to watch someone you have been with for 20 years start to live a life that doesn’t involve you.
My (ex) husband finally moved out two weeks ago and I think we are in a worse place now than we would have been if he had moved out at the start.

I’m in a similar position so funding this thread really interesting. It’s fine atm but I worry about if/when he gets another gf and he might change, particularly with the financial stuff. You could apply for a divorce, get your financial binding agreement signed then put things on hold for a few months to see how it goes?

As the weaker financial party it makes sense to divorce sooner than later while you have dc to house. Your housing needs will reduce as each dc turns 18 which may affect the share of assets you end up with. If he doesn’t want the money out of the house until dc are
older there are ways to delay the sale or buy out. Cases can be decided differently if they are needs based or sharing principle based especially if you are hoping for more than 50% assets. You should get a court ordered settlement while dc still live with you.

My dc were teens and went to uni and it was better they had worked through their feelings about the separation and we had established separate houses before they went. DC whose parents split once they’ve gone to uni often choose to stay in uni accommodation over holidays as don’t feel they have a secure base at home anymore. I also think it spoils what should be an exciting time of their lives worrying about what is happening at home. I personally think it’s better to establish a new normal while they are teens than wait for them to leave.

I suppose it depends why you are splitting up. I couldn't have stayed, I'd have suffocated.

It doesn't make for a clean & clear break either.

Thanks so much for your input everyone. Food for thought!

Can't help but wonder if he's made this suggestion so I am the one to say no and make the family split up so that's then my fault......which even me having that thought means staying in the same house probably isn't a great idea!!!!!

Would it be an option to get a small studio flat to rent nearby and you and your ex do week on-week off living between there and the family home? Could keep costs down, kids stay where they are, and allow you both freedom to process the separation.