Proceeding with divorce before financial settlement while living separately together

April2018 · 21/04/2026 22:49

NotACookiesChance · 21/04/2026 22:32

I feel like I’m at a loss as to what to do next. I filed for a divorce in Feb from my narcissistic husband having given him and this marriage many chances over the last 15 years. He acted like the divorce was a surprise and refuses to accept this is happening. As he tried to pressure me by getting friends and family involved to get me to change my mind I knew I was in for a struggle. I successfully had him served a few weeks ago and the court accepted the evidence. The issue I have is that even know he still refuses to accept we will be getting divorced. Unfortunately we are still having to live separately in the same house and this is challenging in itself. He has said he will end his life the day the divorce is legal if I go through with this. Trying to agree on anything financially is impossible as he is still in denial. My mental health cannot take this and we have two secondary school children who are also finding watching this hard. I can’t afford to go to court for the financial break yet. I know this is a huge risk but I think the only way he will accept any of this is if I go ahead with the divorce without having the finances settled. I am hoping that once he has then had time to accept it and see we won’t be together it will be easier to have the financial aspect sorted. Has one got any advice or been through something similar?

What finances do you have to share?
House equity?
Do you both have pensions?
Other assets?
Do you earn similar wages?

You still have a few months for divorce to be completed.

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 22/04/2026 08:27

April2018 · 21/04/2026 22:49

What finances do you have to share?
House equity?
Do you both have pensions?
Other assets?
Do you earn similar wages?

You still have a few months for divorce to be completed.

Show quote history

It’s not really about the splitting of the assets at this moment it’s the emotional stress he is putting me under as he still thinks I won’t divorce him and has stated that he will end his life once we are legally divorced. I have had to put up with a lot of his friends and family contacting me, coming to my house to get me
to change my mind. I also have a lot of stress at work and feel like I’m ready to break. The thought of staying married to him any longer than I need to fills me with even more anxiety.

OP posts:

Grumpyeeyore · 22/04/2026 10:38

I divorced before finances as my child was applying for uni finance and that was easier if the divorce was final. But the house was in my sole name. There was a risk to ex if I died before finances were sorted it would be more complicated for him to have got his share of assets in my name. You would need legal advice about the risks depending on how the assets are held. he can still drag out the finances and house sale for over a year.

Seilean · 22/04/2026 10:39

He has said he will end his life the day the divorce is legal if I go through with this.

"I am not responsible for your actions.You are."

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 22/04/2026 13:18

NotACookiesChance · 22/04/2026 08:27

It’s not really about the splitting of the assets at this moment it’s the emotional stress he is putting me under as he still thinks I won’t divorce him and has stated that he will end his life once we are legally divorced. I have had to put up with a lot of his friends and family contacting me, coming to my house to get me
to change my mind. I also have a lot of stress at work and feel like I’m ready to break. The thought of staying married to him any longer than I need to fills me with even more anxiety.

Show quote history

The question is really, do you have a lot to lose if you go ahead with the divorce before settling finances.

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 23/04/2026 14:01

Grumpyeeyore · 22/04/2026 10:38

I divorced before finances as my child was applying for uni finance and that was easier if the divorce was final. But the house was in my sole name. There was a risk to ex if I died before finances were sorted it would be more complicated for him to have got his share of assets in my name. You would need legal advice about the risks depending on how the assets are held. he can still drag out the finances and house sale for over a year.

We have the house but he has said he will by me out as he does not want to move (the selfishness of this especially surrounding the kids is separate). We both have relatively equal pensions and he has slightly more saved than me. I do think he will drag this out for years if he can which is why I am inclined to think it would be easier to get divorced and then he will be more likely to sort out the finances as at the moment he is still in denial about us separating.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 23/04/2026 14:04

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 22/04/2026 13:18

The question is really, do you have a lot to lose if you go ahead with the divorce before settling finances.

Show quote history

Not really, I am fortunate that I have a lot of family who would be able to help
me financially if needed and as I mentioned above I think this is the only way to get through to him especially as his family and friends still think they can ‘talk’ me around not going through with the divorce. My mental health and even that of my kids can’t really take it much more due to the emotional abuse and at this moment the risks around finances don’t seem worth it. He has his own business so has a lot more risk financially.

OP posts:

its2025 · 23/04/2026 14:16

You have my empathy as I've been through similar. Unfortunately - even when you are legally divorced - he can drag out the financials anyway so I'm not sure you would be better off.
I think you need to think very carefully about moving out before you're divorced and before financials are sorted. I know I will probably get shouted at for suggesting this - because from a legal point of view - it does put you in a risky position. But - having lived through it myself (and my kids) I know how much strain this situation can put on everyone - Sharing a house during divorce i think ruined any chance I had of being able to co-parent even remotely collaboratively and the damage it did to me mentally (and to be fair probably my ex as well) shouldn't be dismissed.

If there is anyway at all that you can fund moving out before you get divorced I would do that - by physically moving out - your ex will simply HAVE to accept the divorce and probably (although I admit not guaranteed) will then allow the divorce and financial agreement to proceed.

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 23/04/2026 20:59

its2025 · 23/04/2026 14:16

You have my empathy as I've been through similar. Unfortunately - even when you are legally divorced - he can drag out the financials anyway so I'm not sure you would be better off.
I think you need to think very carefully about moving out before you're divorced and before financials are sorted. I know I will probably get shouted at for suggesting this - because from a legal point of view - it does put you in a risky position. But - having lived through it myself (and my kids) I know how much strain this situation can put on everyone - Sharing a house during divorce i think ruined any chance I had of being able to co-parent even remotely collaboratively and the damage it did to me mentally (and to be fair probably my ex as well) shouldn't be dismissed.

If there is anyway at all that you can fund moving out before you get divorced I would do that - by physically moving out - your ex will simply HAVE to accept the divorce and probably (although I admit not guaranteed) will then allow the divorce and financial agreement to proceed.

thank you for your honesty. I have considered moving out but as I need to stay local
to the school my options are limited. The kids are also hesitant to move as they feel it is unfair we have to leave and want him to leave but he is being stubborn. I know leaving even for a few months initially may not be the solution but I feel like I will be able to breathe again.

OP posts:

FloydPink · 23/04/2026 23:29

I was always told, get the financial order done asap. Obviously this could go the other way and benefit you but you run the risk of dying (and him getting life insurance and house), getting an inheritance or winning lottery type of thing

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 30/04/2026 18:24

I am not sure how much more I can take. Last night he admitted he has no intention of an amicable financial consent order, even though I offered to help him with the paperwork. He has said he is humiliated by the fact that I won’t stop the divorce and his goal now is to try and ‘destroy’ me. He said we are going to court and he doesn’t care what it will cost. This is just him trying to still control me as I had no issue with him buying me out. I feel so defeated and alone. To protect myself I did manage to get an urgent mediation session today and they issued the certificate the same day so I have filled and filed form A. I don’t have it in me to fight and the thought of the legal fees is just making me cry.

OP posts:

April2018 · 02/05/2026 22:49

NotACookiesChance · 30/04/2026 18:24

I am not sure how much more I can take. Last night he admitted he has no intention of an amicable financial consent order, even though I offered to help him with the paperwork. He has said he is humiliated by the fact that I won’t stop the divorce and his goal now is to try and ‘destroy’ me. He said we are going to court and he doesn’t care what it will cost. This is just him trying to still control me as I had no issue with him buying me out. I feel so defeated and alone. To protect myself I did manage to get an urgent mediation session today and they issued the certificate the same day so I have filled and filed form A. I don’t have it in me to fight and the thought of the legal fees is just making me cry.

Have you reached out to a solicitor? Call around and ask if anyone provides a free induction/chat.

Do you work?
If your low income/part time you can get divorce (£600 apox) fee wavered.
Do you have equity in your house?
How much do you each have in pension?
Do you have savings?
Have you filled in a universal credit calculator?
Age of children, how will care be shared?
Expensive cars/assets?

Any debt?

You need to have an idea of the above.

unsync · 02/05/2026 23:44

Don't finalise before financial settlement. He will then have no incentive and you will be stuck.

Contact your local DA organisation, they will be able to offer support through this process. Once you learn the mechanism behind the abuse, it makes it much easier to cope with. At the moment, his behaviour towards you is having the desired effect. My exH fought all the way, but being able to anticipate his behaviour helped. They are actually so predictable and once you see it, you will find your strength.

researchers3 · 03/05/2026 00:22

NotACookiesChance · 30/04/2026 18:24

I am not sure how much more I can take. Last night he admitted he has no intention of an amicable financial consent order, even though I offered to help him with the paperwork. He has said he is humiliated by the fact that I won’t stop the divorce and his goal now is to try and ‘destroy’ me. He said we are going to court and he doesn’t care what it will cost. This is just him trying to still control me as I had no issue with him buying me out. I feel so defeated and alone. To protect myself I did manage to get an urgent mediation session today and they issued the certificate the same day so I have filled and filed form A. I don’t have it in me to fight and the thought of the legal fees is just making me cry.

You can use chat gpt for advice re court.

You'd be better off getting a direct access barrister rather than paying solicitors for advice. Much better value for money.

Grey rock him, he's deliberately wearing you down.

You need to sort finances BEFORE your divorce or you're in a precarious situation.

He's pulling all the classic narcissistic tricks.

Stop playing his game.

I've been there and had a 5 year battle. I kept putting court off but it was the only way to sort it.

Good luck and PM me if you wish. It's a hard situation to be in.

PS, he won't kill himself!

Nearly50omg · 03/05/2026 00:58

Seilean · 22/04/2026 10:39

He has said he will end his life the day the divorce is legal if I go through with this.

"I am not responsible for your actions.You are."

See i would just say carry on mate and do the world a favour 🤷‍♀️🤣😂

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 04/05/2026 12:52

April2018 · 02/05/2026 22:49

Have you reached out to a solicitor? Call around and ask if anyone provides a free induction/chat.

Do you work?
If your low income/part time you can get divorce (£600 apox) fee wavered.
Do you have equity in your house?
How much do you each have in pension?
Do you have savings?
Have you filled in a universal credit calculator?
Age of children, how will care be shared?
Expensive cars/assets?

Any debt?

You need to have an idea of the above.

Show quote history

Thanks for your reply, yes I have an idea of everything we have financially, in terms of the equity in our house and my pension value etc. He has savings that he won’t share the value of as well as his own business again won’t share any information but that is no longer something for me as he will (or not), need to declare it all on his form E. His reasons for going to court as he stated last night are for revenge as I ‘humiliated’ him by trying to have him served when his parents were at our house. This isn’t even about not agreeing on how we split finances, it’s all about his ego which makes it so much more frustrating. His whole view of dragging this out for as long as possible is that we stay legally married for as long as it takes as he thinks that gives him more control.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 04/05/2026 12:55

researchers3 · 03/05/2026 00:22

You can use chat gpt for advice re court.

You'd be better off getting a direct access barrister rather than paying solicitors for advice. Much better value for money.

Grey rock him, he's deliberately wearing you down.

You need to sort finances BEFORE your divorce or you're in a precarious situation.

He's pulling all the classic narcissistic tricks.

Stop playing his game.

I've been there and had a 5 year battle. I kept putting court off but it was the only way to sort it.

Good luck and PM me if you wish. It's a hard situation to be in.

PS, he won't kill himself!

Show quote history

Thank you for the advice, I just find it frustrating and difficult sometimes as unless someone has been in a similar situation they don’t always get how hard it can be to have to
live with someone who just wants to
control you. I don’t believe he will kill himself either as he has now said he just wants revenge for humiliating him. I just wish it wasn’t like this as it’s so hard for our kids to watch this too as he brings this all up in front of them. It’s just not fair on them as they are stuck in this too and are at key stages in their education where the already have enough stress with GCSEs.

OP posts:

April2018 · 05/05/2026 17:42

If you do go to court you will only go for a total of 3 times at the most.

I was quoted 10- 20k as a guide depending if represented ect.

So if you have equity in house/savings, worse case you may spend it on court.
Ex would have to do full disclosure money and buisness.

Some solicitors will allow payment after if they know your potential share of equity.

Original poster

NotACookiesChance · 06/05/2026 20:01

April2018 · 05/05/2026 17:42

If you do go to court you will only go for a total of 3 times at the most.

I was quoted 10- 20k as a guide depending if represented ect.

So if you have equity in house/savings, worse case you may spend it on court.
Ex would have to do full disclosure money and buisness.

Some solicitors will allow payment after if they know your potential share of equity.

Thanks for the advice, I filed form A last week and received the case number today so now it’s a matter of waiting for a date. I am almost certain he won’t comply with the requests for disclosure as this would be consistent with his current pattern especially as he has stated he wants to go to court to punish me for humiliating him by having him served.

OP posts:

Beaniebobbins · 08/05/2026 04:12

Op the man is abusive. Threatening to kill himself if you leave is abusive, the economical threats, all the other crap, it’s all abuse.

you absolutely want finances settled before divorce is final, not least because it reduces tax payable
you need to speak to a domestic abuse organisation about the emotional abuse he is putting you through, they can provide advice on the situation you are in now and help to keep you safe
if you don’t already have a solicitor get one, and one who can tell he is arse, they will preempt his shitty behaviour for you. Some solicitors will see you as a billing target, some will see their job as protecting you and your kids from that utter knob.
keep a diary, every threat every crappy thing he does goes in that diary. This will help to prove his abusive behaviour.

good luck op, and whatever the knob does, remember that you are the better person in all of this.