Need advice on separating when husband refuses to split

[GentleDuck]

I recently told my DH that we need to separate after years of things just not being right. Married 16 years, 2 kids age 10, mortgage etc. I have the higher paying job. Just finished a big renovation after blood sweat and tears, yet I feel unhappy in our home with him. I have checked out. I have attempted to talk through splitting up a few times over the years, he agrees to make more effort but the real problems are persistent and never going away. Complete lack of communication from him, refusing to repair us. Over and over again.
Problem is he will be left with very little because he has built his life around mine. He has no family. Hes a high functioning alcoholic but won't admit it. I think he's depressed and I'm just wasting my life hoping things are going to feel better. He said a few weeks ago that he could not stay friends with me if we split and would cut off all ties to me and my family. Assuming not the kids.
I chickened out, he said he'd fight for me and is nothing without me. Has since got vertigo and thinks it due to the anxiety of me wanting to leave. So we talked I stay. And now I'm just done again. The bickering is worse, I don't ever want intimacy. He will still speak to me like I'm an idiot, not ask me how I am etc etc

What do I do next? What's my choices here? He's likely to not cooperate at all.

Ideally we'd stay in the house separately until we can sell the house next year when we remortgage. But he said I'd have to move out. I'm willing to but seeing as I run all the finances he won't have a clue what's involved financially running the house.

Money will be super tight for us both unless I live at my mum and dad's temporarily.

Ooof this is madness any advice welcome from those who have been through similar

Problem is he will be left with very little because he has built his life around mine. He has no family. Hes a high functioning alcoholic but won't admit it. I think he's depressed
I'm going to be harsh here. His problems are no longer yours to worry about. He needs to figure out his housing needs/where. He needs to figure out his finances. He needs to figure out his access to his children. He needs to figure out his physical and mental health problems. HE IS NO LONGER YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Keep repeating that last line. If you want to be kind give him the phone numbers to CAB and his GP then back away.

Assuming you are in England or Wales you can start the no fault divorce online for £600. It's very simple (basically check boxes) but two things. There is a 20 week cooling off period (yes, FIVE months) and do not, under any circumstances, go for the final consent (old version decree absolute) until financials have been signed off by a judge.

Use that cooling off period to gather the financials such as house equity, all pension values (this takes months), savings, investments etc.

Get a one off solicitor consultation to find out your legal rights. Knowledge is power and it is money well spent.

Do the divorce admin stuff online. Financials with a solicitor. Children with a mediator (unless they are teens).

Finally, a judge can force the sale of a house. They can even sign the sale documents on behalf of your husband. So do not let his refusals stop you as he can't legally do that (it just costs more time and money).

Start the ball rolling. Even a quick divorce takes 8 months minimum due to cooling off periods and court delays.

Thanks @INeedAnotherName for the advice, that's useful I will look at that. I'm figuring out how to tell him and the family first, then who goes where before the legal stuff. And if we're to agree to sell 50/50 surely we can avoid judges for that? Eeep

I agree he is not my responsibility although it will be hard to not to help him when I'm the one wanting out

It's not just the house tho for the finances.

Leaving aside the emotional issues, the finances and custody are what are going to need some thinking through here. Neither of you is obliged to move out right now and women are sometimes advised to stay if they intend to keep the house on post divorce. You need to speak to a lawyer to get an idea of the likely financial split and whether either of you could afford to stay in this house by buying the other out (if either of you wants to) and if not what you can afford, bearing in mind there will be an assumption he will need space for the children to stay during their time with him.

As pp said it's not just the house that is taken into account for finances, courts will also want to see pensions, savings and any other assets are being fairly divided. It's unlikely you'll avoid court altogether although you may be able to reach agreement through mediation (this will require his cooperation though).

The starting point for custody is 50/50, is that something you have discussed? Is he likely to fight for that? This also has an impact on financial arrangements e.g. child support.

In terms of how he manages after the divorce, it's up to you how much support you want to offer him, and that can be zero. Plus it doesn't sound like he'll accept any.

And if we're to agree to sell 50/50 surely we can avoid judges for that? Eeep
Not really. A judge has to sign off any agreement between you and if he disagrees then you won't get the divorce finalised. You don't need a judge until the end but unless he thinks it's fair to both parties he could send you away again and again and again. Each time costing you more.

Why 50/50 btw? Are you both having equal overnight custody, and do the children agree with that? At nearly 11yrs their choices will be considered.

I hear you about the responsibility bit. My ex was too stupid/lazy to actually fill in the legal forms and I had to literally fill them whilst he gave verbal answers. The hand holding was ridiculous but I guess was worth it in the end.

That reminds me. Download/print off Form E from the gov.uk website and start filling it in. One each. That is the information the judge decides whether the split is fair or not. It's a massive form but not all of it will be applicable to you.

The route is mutual agreement. If that fails then mediation. If that fails then it's solicitors. Then finally court. But even if you do a mutual agreement for finances and custody a court/judge will need to sign it off. Usually you need a solicitor to draft the financials but it can be DIY up to then.