20yr marriage, sporadic work, possible autism, professional victim

[Zen81]

Hi everyone, first time posting. Have read posts for years, but finally brave enough to write.

I’ve reached breaking point after 20 years. My husband’s employment has always been sporadic (11 years of work out of 20). I’ve spent two decades as the one doing the heavy lifting (though he would argue this) while he cycles through "Slog" periods and odd behavior. I suspect undiagnosed neurodivergence/autism, but he completely dismisses this as a possibility, preferring to blame his lack of functioning on "the economy."

He maintains a "nice/caring" persona to the world, and it has taken me 20 years and a lot of therapy to finally see the reality. The isolation has been profound. He’s spent years cutting my DC (10f) and me off from my family using "safety" excuses (e.g., forbidding DC from seeing her cousins and her aunt over a minor incident 5 years ago).

He has blamed my low moods on menopause and then telling me I’m too intense to be around and he can’t handle it to the point I finally decided to have a full hysterectomy (open surgery last oct). In a way I’m glad as I now have greater clarity and know this marriage is over.

I am in Stealth Mode while DC is prepping for the 11+ in sept.

Advice needed on:

1. The Victim Narrative: He tells DC the economy is "worse than the credit crunch" to justify his situation. How do I anchor her in reality so she doesn't feel she has to "save" him? She’s already defending him as he’s always complaining about how hard it is to find work and doing job apps.
2. How do I handle 5 more months without breaking Grey Rock? I’ve done this for 3 months and I’m exhausted.
3. With his history of tantrums and feeling sorry for himself what legal/safety precautions should I take for a September exit?

Please be kind.

Find a counsellor you really like and ask them to hold you accountable, is the first thing. Between counselling sessions I have found copilot invaluable for reframing professional victimhood and helping formulate a response. Pattern recognition is something AI is amazing at, and it can cut straight through things that you are being asked to see as true, but aren't.

Time, consistency and growing up will give your daughter perspective, but she sounds kind and caring. You can value who she is while talking to her about boundaries and she will put it together.

@JennyForeigner thank you for your kind response. I have been using AI recently and seeing a good therapist, both of which have confirmed my suspicions on his behaviour. I’ve just got to hold it together somehow for the next 5 months.

What you wrote touched a nerve because I have recently separated from someone with many of the same characteristics. It has been calmer, happier, even merciful every day since, although very hard on my autistic little girl.

Take it one day at a time and write your account of each day as part of leaving it behind you. Good luck - I will continue to think about you, given how much this chimed.

You are going to have to have a think how to get the house sold without him sabotaging it because he will not want the marriage to end but do the heavy lifting and he will be very difficult.

Thank you once again for taking the time @JennyForeigner

I’m now realising that I lost myself in all this a long time ago. I always believed his view of the world as he claims to be an expert in many things including mental health and psychology. Only after starting therapy and a full hysterectomy can I now see clearly that he isn’t going to change.

I worry a lot about becoming a single parent and how to protect my dd from his perception and beliefs. Can I ask how long your separation process took? I can’t bear to be around him and after filing in sept I’m hoping 6months. I know each case is different, but would be helpful to know others’ experience.

i’m so pleased you’re rebuilding your life again with your dd.

@newbegginscan you relate? Is this something you experienced?

My dh has a persona of being a very reasonable understanding guy. I’m not sure he will want to break that persona. Underneath it all he’s very angry about life. He said to me before my surgery in Oct that if I was still unhappy after surgery then we can think about splitting amicably (although I don’t think he meant it and maybe just said it to appease me). I usually do all the heavy lifting in almost every aspect of life, but he always wants a say in everything. I’ve researched and found that if he stalls the house sale the courts can hand over authority to me to sell, but I will need to get proper legal advice on everything. I’ll be speaking to a solicitor in a few weeks.

Op, can I ask why you had a hysterectomy because he said your moods were low and you were too intense? Was it because you were intolerant to progesterone and wanted to take oestrogen for your moods? Genuinely asking as I’m intolerant to progesterone and sometimes feel like asking fir a hysterectomy x

@Lizzbear gynaecologist said my body didn’t respond too well to progesterone tablets. I have been on estrogen gel for years along with progesterone tablets 2weeks on and 2 off. I have historically had other gynaecological issues and thought maybe it was all linked.

Now that I’m on the other side of hysterectomy I can honestly say the 2 weeks I was moody was my true feelings of how miserable I have been in this marriage. Men in particular are very quick in vilifying our hormones. He’s regularly told me he found it hard to be around me for 2 weeks and it was affecting our relationship. I had no sex drive and have been in a separate bedroom for a year and a half. Through therapy I’m realising I just can’t stand being around him and that’s what has killed the sex drive along with everything else.

Having said all that I am very glad I had the surgery. Things are much clearer for me.

i’m still on estrogen gel (smaller dose) and will be indefinitely to help prevent osteoporosis and joint aches.