Advice on separation where ex is seeking 50/50 childcare

[Sailaway2019]

Hi,
I'm looking for some advice on my situation (sorry for the lengthy post, will try to summarise). I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have 2 children together and he has full care of his son since he was young, now 19 who has always mainly lived with us. We separated when our first child was 3 due to my husband’s alcohol misuse, which came with a lot of lying, denial, disappearing, verbal aggression and money issues. We also had ongoing issues as we didn’t agree with how he parented his son, there has never been any boundaries or consequences for his behaviour and they are more like friends. My husband went bankrupt when we separated, addressed his drinking, became sober and much nicer. We reconciled 18 months later and things were much better, we had another child. We moved house, which is mine, he has other properties still. Last year he started drinking again socially, but the behaviours came back. My step son also started doing drugs and I have come home to find traces of drugs in the room the kids play in, as well as lots of evidence of drugs in his room. My husband refuses to address any of this, apart from to say get rid of it, and has warned me if my step son was to be unhappy and move out it would be my fault, so I say nothing. He also got a car on finance and I was his guarantor, he has defaulted on his payments and now has a credit control company involved. He also has several others for other missed payments. My husband still refuses to address this with him, and gets angry at me for being upset by it, accusing me of always having been a poor stepmum whenever anything is brought up and always having an ‘issue’ with his son. I struggle with not helping his son with finance or addictions as this does not sit right with me as a parent.We started counselling to try and get impartial advice on how to address the issues mainly with his son. The counsellor asked to see us separately after a few sessions and told me my husband was emotionally abusive and asked why I don’t leave him. This shocked me, but also made me realise something I’d probably been aware of for a while.
I have always been adamant that I would try and make things work as I love my children and my husband has always insisted it would be a 50/50 childcare split, which I know is not in their best interests but struggle to prove. He clearly loves them, but can’t provide any structure or safety for them, he would never admit this and would see it as a failure on his part. I have recently found he is in significant amounts of debt again that he is hiding from me and goes occasionally to AA meetings but I suspect he is drinking sometimes still. I can’t bring any conversation up with him as he is so defensive and then has a personal attack on me, which I always end up questioning my character after.
The advice I’m asking for, is has anyone ever been in similar situation where they have managed to get more care of their children even though the other parent is requesting 50/50. The only evidence I have is my journal entries and notes I’ve written and photos of the financial debts. I’ve seen a solicitor but they mainly said he would be entitled to equal care as he has not shown any abuse to the children.
Any other advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks

That seems like decent evidence but things will depends on: where you both live, who can do school runs, ages of children and their preference, any evidence he is a drunk if so you can ask for a hair strand test, if they have enough space at each home to do homework etc, the sibling relationship with you step son is important to maintain too

Ps well done to your counsellor! You ca also seek advice from a domestic abuse charity about getting an occupation order on the house

Thank you for your reply. Children are 10 and 3, I work nearly full time but can be flexible with school and nursery runs, and have of family help luckily. He’s self employed so also flexible. I agree their contact with my step son needs to be maintained, but I have worries as he’s not always very nice to them, I think it come from jealousy but it does impact my 10 year olds self confidence as he is desperate to be liked by his older brother. I worry about the impact of his drug use on them too, but it will be out of my control when I’m not with them all the time

And what your plan re living situation who will move out when?

Send h a detailed fortnightly schedule that he will be expected to maintain when he has 50/50..
I doubt he will go for it. Likely a ploy to avoid cms.

My husband will need to move out to one of his properties, and I will stay in the house either to downsize or stay there long term depending on finances. My husband won’t live close to schools, where as I will stay in the area. Ideally he would get a property in the local area, however has just had a new ccj so this will be harder now. He would need to agree to move out still, which he is not yet

Hi, I think he would say he would go for it but the reality of sticking to it wouldn’t happen

Being super realistic, you would need to go through a protracted, likely expensive and definitely gruelling custody battle.

In your shoes I would do my level best to try to separate amicably with a written agreement of say 70-30 or 80-20 care. Even if that means not addressing a whole host of issues head on (whilst keeping records if needed later). I know that goes against the advice generally. It’s jus based on seeing friends go through this and it being so, so ugly with no guarantee of success.

And by this I do mean intentionally flattering him (not in writing as could be used later) but in person. E.g. You are such a good dad and so wonderful. I know it’s best we separate as I’m not in the right place for a relationship but I want to ensure the kids get as much time as possible. Obviously practically I’ll need to have them in the week but how can we maximise other time? I don’t want to impede your chance of meeting someone new. I personally will never date. But you might want to. So every other weekend maybe? Whatever works best for you. On repeat but never in writing.

appease/fawn/flatter

Do what you need to do to get him to agree.

Again this is awful but best actress skills often go to the abused women protecting their kids.

Thank you. Yes that’s my biggest fear, all the stress and heartbreak if there wasn’t enough evidence and it ended 50/50 still. I have tried to do that, flatter him whilst pointing out what’s best for the children, however his ego wouldn’t put their needs above his, he’s not able to admit what might be more beneficial as he wouldn’t look as good a parent. He’s often concerned with what others think of him and competes to be the best parent.