In a separation I don’t want

[Rml19898]

Husband walked out 2 weeks ago on me and 2 kids under 3. Literally left me holding the baby whilst he had his bags packed for a hotel and handed me a letter. Said he doesn’t have any motivation to try and not sure or values align anymore. He told me he has been unhappy for 18 months but instead of ever speaking about it, he shut himself away in his room and ignored me whilst I was in the trenches of caring for the baby and dealing with PPD that I now realise I failed to recognise. Prior to walking out he tried one couples counselling session then said he didn’t want to put me through it anymore.

He is currently still in our home whilst I’m staying with in my parents home so he can see the kids overnight or else I will have no respite or support as my parents are away. I spoke to him yesterday and tried to get some answers. No other woman; no reason other than he wasn’t happy and doesn’t love me enough to try. I told him if he was that done to file for divorce but he says he isn’t sure yet and doesn’t want to make any rush decisions. I have decided to use this time to work on myself. I’m seeing a therapist and gone to the GP for mental health support. Im not saying I am blameless but feel like he has left me when I need him and when I have always tried to support him.

im heartbroken and don’t understand why he wouldn’t at least try to fix what we had for practicalities sake or the kids. If he is that done then why wouldn’t he initiate divorce?

I still desperately want to try and make things work but don’t know if I’m holding on to something that he can’t give me. I don’t know whether to file myself and take some control or to sit back and let him do the work for once.

any advice/ experiences? My head is all over the place.

I would return to the house to be with my children and he can leave. Then I'd be instructing a solicitor. How could you ever trust him again?

There's probably someone waiting in the wings, there nearly always is.

That is grotesque. What persuades these men that they get to claim their pompous conflict of values and apparently long held concerns that apparently didn't stop them building the family that is now so intensely troubling to them.

He's a shit and the only reason he is 'unsure' about divorce is that every moment he can keep you in uncertainty puts you in more pain and more unbalanced, and that is how he wins.

Get ahead of him. He has treated you and your babies unforgiveably.

Sounds like there’s OW but he’s not sure she’s willing to take him on if he jumps ship.

Go back home. File for divorce. 💐

Go back to your home and stay there.

Odds are there is another woman. Of course he is not going to confess to that for as long as he can get away with it. But he will start a "new" relationship startlingly quickly.

The thing you need to realise now is that he is NOT your friend. Nor are his family or friends your friends. He is looking out for himself and you also need to look out for yourself and your children. His interests are no longer your interests. please talk to someone in real life and ask for support from your own family and friends. I'm so sorry.

He is done but he’s in no rush for divorce because he’s waiting to see if the other woman will want him. He is keeping his options open and making you feel there is hope he may come to his senses.
He is a heartless bastard who you need to divorce because if the other woman rejects him he will want to stay and be resentful towards you. He would have no intention of trying to be a better husband or dad and as soon as another woman catches his eye he would jump ship.

Go home.
assume there is someone else.
Start thinking about the practical stuff in the assumption it’s over.
Get him to take the DC to give you a break.
Take any support you can get.
He doesn’t get to dump this on you and run away from his responsibilities

Go home sit tight, be strong, tell him to divorce you, even if he says he doesn’t want to rush tell him it’s too late. Speak to friends and family get support, be brave

You can't make someone be in a relationship with you who clearly doesn't want to, and nor should you try - it will destroy your wellbeing and self-worth.

I would get your ass back inside that house STAT though (unless you feel unsafe) whilst arrangements are made, otherwise you could find yourself at a real disadvantage in terms of asset distribution if you have voluntarily moved out.

Tomorrow is Friday. Go home while he is at work, get settled back in and if you are not breastfeeding, write out some detailed VERY instructions and walk out on Saturday morning for the day leaving him with the kids.
Line up a friend for lunch, preferably your toughest friend who will support you and confide in them. Get their support to plan next steps.

This is so sad, I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. It is unforgivable to do this to a woman with young children, who has gone through two pregnancies in quick succession, and had to deal with all the physical and mental consequences that come with that. It can take years to recover from that! He should be worshipping at your feet for you bringing your children into this world. He should give you all the grace you need while you're adjusting to being a parent to two young children, and probably having to balance other things like work too. The expectations and demands on woman are far higher than on men. Crucially, he owes you a full explanation of what has changed. If he doesn't, then I'd make sure it's one hell of a tricky divorce. You deserve so much more. Please remember that.

Cherchez la femme

So sorry that this has happened to you. Its good that you are getting a break while you can however I would be pushing for a plan to be made that sees him pulling his weight properly and you not having to leave the house.

As with others, I don't see why he doesn't want to just go ahead with the divorce. Please be careful that he isn't keeping his options open. I would also be suspicious that there is someone else and he is being cautious until he knows where he stands with them.

Don’t let him push you and dc out of your house. Do go back. It doesn’t make much difference regarding who goes to a solicitor first. The divorce result will be the same as it’s no fault divorce. Just don’t agree to 50/50 for dc.

He's met someone else, and he's hedging his bets in case she decides she doesn't actually want a separated man with two tiny children.

Be strong. Go home and throw him out. Tell your family and friends. Surround yourself with people who love you and will support you.

You and your babies deserve so much better than a man who makes a life with you, has children with you and then decides that he wants to be free of being a family. It’s no reflection on any of you only on himself. I know you feel like your free falling right now but one day you will be happy without him, you will look at your precious DC and be glad that the three of you are a loving tight knit family.

@Rml19898look at the responses so far.

everyone is saying the same thing which I echo.

How dare he?

GET HOME.

then take your time and gather yourself and go from there.

do not leave him in your family home as some sort of false help.

go back tomorrow and regroup.

Keep the children in familiar space.

what if he announces on Monday he is moving someone else in? You have gone he will say?

You don’t plan longer than a day at the moment OP. You protect your children and go from there.

Go back to your house and be with your kids. It’s not helpful to be at your parents by yourself. You presumably don’t want the status quo that he lives in the house with the kids and you left. You aren’t leaving him so don’t leave the house it looks like that otherwise.

yes I think there is absolutely another woman. He’s just now sure yet if his life with her is secure yet

Go home while he is at work, get settled back in and if you are not breastfeeding, write out some detailed instructions and walk out on Saturday morning for the day leaving him with the kids
Exactly. He is a father of two now. Do not let him think he can be footloose and fancy free when it suits.

Yeah you need to go back to the house and he's the one that's leaving as he initiated the split. You're not having him say he doesn't love you enough to try and couldn't be arsed to speak about it for months...while you wait with baited breath to see if he might take you back.

Tell him he's made his decision and that means your divorcing.

If someone tells you they don’t want to be with you, believe them, accept it and behave accordingly. Go no contact, let him understand what he has lost, keeping you dangling is damaging you, not him!

Do you think you will ever feel secure in this relationship again? It’s hard now but I would go home and have my comforts for the kids sake. He can’t blow up your world and then get a nice little quiet holiday in his house.