Does anyone else struggle with resentment towards an unhelpful ex-partner?

[Prinnypeach]

Hi ladies

does anyone else despise their child’s father and how do you get over this feeling?

we have been split since DC was very very young - under 6 months. Was together a very long time but he left me for someone else.

I can’t stand him - nothing to do with the fact he left me - I’ve tried hard to get along with him but he speaks to me like shite, makes my life hard, and argues about money all the time.

he threatens to cancel plans if we get into a disagreement and he books holidays over my birthday or any other big events I have planned meaning I miss out whilst he is living his best life.

he acts bipolar - he’s nice one minute and then he next is rude to me, talking down to me, and then tries to make my life very hard and miserable so I can’t have anything or move on with anyone.

hes a terrible father - knows nothing about DC, doesnt check in if she’s poorly, doesn’t know where her school is or Drs, has never been to a single review or appointment. Does none of the life admin that comes with being a parent nor does he care. All he wants to do is pay the CMS and leave it there.

i know I will have responses saying I’m bitter and jealous and I can confirm I don’t care that he has moved on - what bothers me is that he bares zero responsibility apart from CMS, refuses to help, and refuses to be amicable despite me trying my hardest. He has an underlying issue with me where if I even look at him the wrong way he will kick off. I’m just sick and tired of constantly wondering what I’ve done to upset him and whether I’ll be allowed to go to my plans that weekend in case I’ve p’d him off and he cancels.

This man was nothing like this when we were together. I just can’t stand him and it sometimes feels that his hatred for me takes over the care, love, and support he should be showing DC who is far too young to understand any of this and thinks he is amazing which is very heartbreaking indeed - not that I would ever be the one to tell her anything but still.

does this ever stop or go away? Or do you just get on with it until they’re 18.

How long have you been separated now? I’m 5 years down the line - also a long relationship/marriage and he left when 2 of our children were babies (twins) and an older child. I tolerate my ex husband at best - I don’t know if I resent him so much as his life is so much shitter (in my opinion) now than before. I cant move on either as he barely sees the kids - just turns up for the Disney dad moments if there is an audience. TBH in your situation I wouldn’t put much effort into being amicable? And try to stop wondering what’s upset him…..can you use friends or babysitters or parents if he does cancel plans last minute?

I could have written this thread myself with the way you describe your ex! I too have had a very similar hard time that has been very stressful and what I would call a rollercoaster most of the time. Similar to you I always got caught pissing him off doing the slightest thing. I am 4 years since breakup. I have realised that his moods aren’t my issue. I don’t need to engage in any sort of conversation not related to my child. I act asif he doesn’t exist most of the time apart from at the door between handovers. If I need to make plans that involves him being childcare I simply make other arrangements or seperate childcare because he is incapable of being reliable and same as you likes to cancel at the last minute. You just need to practice putting in these boundaries and don’t let him overstep them or get your energy for anything. I don’t respond to anything unnecessary and accept he is like the weather he will constantly change but he’s not in my house. I still have a deep hatred for the way he treats me and critisise my parenting etc when he can’t even show up most of the time but I just shut the door and ‘bye!’ I don’t engage in these things anymore which has taken a really long time to realise. A lot of it is hard not to get drawn into at times but it’s much easier when you don’t rely on them don’t engage with them and just keep calm and carry on. Same as you I have wondered if I can do this because it’s been too much at times and too stressful. But I’m in a place now where I barely think about him and feel so much better for it. Good luck xxx

@impartialusername Thank you for your reply - it’s exhausting isn’t it. We don’t actually tend to have many conversations but as soon as he hears something he doesn’t like, or is having a bad day, he likes to cause problems. It’s just a shame not being able to do what I want on my ‘days off’ as I can’t rely on him to show up.

but like PP said, it’s them who miss out so that’s the only silver lining. Such a shame. And sorry to hear you’ve gone through this too, glad you have come out the other end! Xxx