Wtf do I do next - separation

[betweenbiscuits]

I just need some words of wisdom. I think I need to separate from my husband. Together 20 years, married 10. Kids 8 and 10.
I'm worn out and completely done. I do everything, in every aspect of all our lives. Have told him I've reached breaking point so many times over the years and I can't do the begging and emotional scenes any more.
I've suggested marriage counselling in the past but I don't have the energy any more or the hope that things will change.
No infidelity or anything, but there's very little respect left, I feel so much resentment and I've allowed myself to become a grumpy, sarcastic, nagging bitter person.
He's a nice, caring person, he's devoted to the kids, and he would say he is to me, too, but I cannot make him take notice of the effect his behaviour has on me and our marriage. He can't be happy either but he doesn't show any motivation to talk about it or do anything. Even if he would blame me it would be a starting point.

I don't hate him, I just feel like his mother and I've had enough. Just discovered £20+k of debt as I'm arranging a new mortgage, none of which has been spent on the family or house where it's desperately needed, and it has tipped me over the edge (again).
We are low earners and I can't see a way through financially if we're not together, I don't know where to start. I have savings in my name but work pt as we've no childcare / family support. Planned to increase my hours when youngest is a bit older. Live in a village, not many options for jobs or housing.
This is the last thing I want for my kids. My youngest cries for him when he works long shifts, they will be devastated. He's the fun parent. What we have now is no good for them either though.

I haven't got anyone I can talk to, I'm sorry this is a ramble really.
Please will someone tell me what to do first, legal advice I guess, it just feels too sad.

I'm so sorry.

I think it would help to speak to a solicitor.

What did your husband spend all that money on? What explanation did he give?

Thank you. I've no idea, this has just come out today, he's working and I've told him I don't want to talk. I'm sure I will find out but I almost don't care right now.
We're not skint but I am very, very careful. We don't have holidays. I'm sure people have bigger debts but it feels an unforgivable amount when there is so much we need the money for.

Do you have support where you are?

No practical support but I do have friends that I will talk to eventually. I'm just too ashamed right now.
Thanks for replying.

Please do not be ashamed, you have not done anything wrong at all.

Don’t be ashamed.
1st step is to speak to a solicitor, try to get a free hour.
i was in a very similar position to you, so similar i read your post again to check it wasn’t mine!

I separated finances immediately so I could prove any further debt was not mine. I’m not sure if that is recommended but it worked for me and there was further debt whilst I demonstrated that I could stick within my lesser budget despite contributing equally to the house. I went back to work full time to maximise my income. I filed for divorce relatively quickly. We then went to mediation to sort out the financial agreement.

It’s not your debt. It’s his. Don’t be ashamed. You need your friends right now. Time to free yourself I think. He’s a manchild.

He is a man child. Thank you. You're right but I don't want it to be real. It will be a relief in many ways but I feel absolutely sick thinking about how devastated the kids will be.

Thanks that's helpful. I know I need to extract myself before he drags me down financially too. Sadly I could have probably drifted on like this another 10 years for the kids, but I can't get past this debt and what it would mean for them too if we stay together. It's such a betrayal.