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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Coming to financial settlement with adult children at home

35 replies

whycantitbecalm · 14/04/2026 13:28

Ok so this isn’t for me i am already divorced but looking for advice for a friend:

Her husband walked out on her last year, leaving her and their 3 children. (22, 20 and 17) out of the blue, no explanation, he was having an affair

One of the children works full time, the other has a small part time business that is growing but doesn’t make a lot of money, the youngest is at college.

my friend has extended her work hours to earn as much money as she can.

The Only Asset they have is the house.

The ex moved in with his new girlfriend pretty much straight away and now lives with her, they are engaged! And getting married next year.

They have tried to work things out through mediation, but it hasn’t worked, and my friend really needs more than 50% of the house value to be able to provide a roof over the 4 of their heads.
she is a low earner. The ex is a high earner

for those of you that have gone through the courts how likely is she to achieve this or will the adult children not count even though my friend is supporting them financially.?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/04/2026 14:30

Adult children are not considered and she’ll be deemed as needing a 1 bed

there be be other factors that help a case for more than 50% but housing adult children is not one of them

cestlavielife · 14/04/2026 14:34

Adult children sit with dad and ask for support directly.
For them to move out etc .

He is high earner so they can go to him directly ask for a payout whatever they need. Deposit for flat etc . If none then they work it out.

17 year old child maintenance til finished education

Firesidechatter · 14/04/2026 14:36

I’m afraid adult kids aren’t part of this, so as the youngest is 17 assume none are, so it’s a 50 50 starting position. It will likely be a fair split, including pensions, has she taken his pension into account.

HotChocolateBubbleBath · 14/04/2026 14:36

The adult children will not count, I’m afraid. Mine were 21 with a brain injury but not considered a dependent and my other was 18 and was about to leave for uni, neither counted. Luckily my husband was responsible and we came to an arrangement which would cover several years until the 18yo finished university and the older one got back on his feet. I was the higher earner too, so potentially would have managed.

Parky04 · 14/04/2026 14:39

Only the 17 year old will be considered, but not for very long. Surely, her DH will have a substantial pension pot that will have to be split?

Firesidechatter · 14/04/2026 14:39

You can understand why they aren’t taken into account op. As the odds are at some point the kids will move out. The financial settlement needs to be final, so the court won’t award her for a life time of housing 4 people. The kids may have to live independently or with their dad. She is 50 percent responsible for the youngest costs. Neither is responsible for the other two as they are grown ups.

howevee she is likely entitled to half his pension and if he’s a high earner, and often people confuse what a high earner is, but she can likely barter this for some more of the house if he is willing.

HotChocolateBubbleBath · 14/04/2026 14:40

Firesidechatter · 14/04/2026 14:36

I’m afraid adult kids aren’t part of this, so as the youngest is 17 assume none are, so it’s a 50 50 starting position. It will likely be a fair split, including pensions, has she taken his pension into account.

She must consider his pension, she is entitled to a %age of that, which should help. She can then sit back and watch his life turn to shit… which although not guaranteed, is the usual outcome, less than 2% of relationships which start as affairs make it more than 2yrs, fnar fnar!

Freedomsjustanotherword · 14/04/2026 14:44

What's her ex's viewpoint on where their children should live and who, if anyone, should support them?

Does your friend know how much more than 50% of the house she would need? A financial settlement when a marriage breaks down includes all assets, so property, pensions, savings and investments. When you say the only asset is the house, do you mean that neither of them has a pension or any savings?

Maybeitllneverhappen · 14/04/2026 15:12

I suggest the two older ones move in with Dad and girlfriend; that should be cosy. Then she can get a 2 bed place and a chunk of his pension. I'm sure the girlfriend will be supportive and welcome his children. 😁

Grumpyeeyore · 14/04/2026 17:15

The older dc won’t count but it won’t necessarily be 50:50. It would depend if 50% equity is enough to buy two places eg 2x 1 or 2 bed places. If 50% is not enough for her housing needs she may get more if his mortgage capacity is much higher than hers. She could try and negotiate a delayed sale for a year or two if he doesn’t need the equity now. Some judges are sympathetic to semi dependent adults if it’s for a short time eg they may order the sale is delayed until after A levels. Has she got legal advice her need is currently for 2 bed place but in a year it will be 1 bed so it may be in her interests to agree something quickly.

LovesLabradors · 14/04/2026 17:46

I've just reached a financial settlement at a FDR hearing and the judge did take into account my adult children as they are living at home, and may do for several more years. Mine are 18, 21 and 24 - the 18 year old is still at school and wants to go to uni, the 21yo about to sit finals at uni, and the 24yo working.

I did have a very good barrister to argue this though - the arguments she made were that although adults, they still needed a roof over their heads, and needed financial support from their parents. She also talked about cost of living, high rents, difficulty finding rental properties, young people living at home longer etc.

I was awarded CM for the youngest for 4 years (until she finishes uni) and spousal maintenance too, as he is a high earner. His pension was offset - so he kept pension, I kept the house and my own pension. And the children. (Although I quite like the idea of sending the 2 oldest children to live in his new lovenest with the OW!)

One thing I'd say is make sure he doesn't have any hidden money - he's a high earner, but they have no assets other than the house? Make sure he provides all pension CETVs. Some of these high earners have huge pensions - in my case, the offset value was enough to give me our 4 bed house and pay off the mortgage.

millymollymoomoo · 14/04/2026 19:24

This settlement wasn’t a needs based one -rather a sharing one - ie there were enough assets to provide each party’s needs plus excess to share .

if its needs based adult children will be discounted

as said though even so there may me other reasons more than 50% could be awarded / but we don’t know what assets there are or how high an earner . It will completely depend on those factors

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2026 19:29

LovesLabradors · 14/04/2026 17:46

I've just reached a financial settlement at a FDR hearing and the judge did take into account my adult children as they are living at home, and may do for several more years. Mine are 18, 21 and 24 - the 18 year old is still at school and wants to go to uni, the 21yo about to sit finals at uni, and the 24yo working.

I did have a very good barrister to argue this though - the arguments she made were that although adults, they still needed a roof over their heads, and needed financial support from their parents. She also talked about cost of living, high rents, difficulty finding rental properties, young people living at home longer etc.

I was awarded CM for the youngest for 4 years (until she finishes uni) and spousal maintenance too, as he is a high earner. His pension was offset - so he kept pension, I kept the house and my own pension. And the children. (Although I quite like the idea of sending the 2 oldest children to live in his new lovenest with the OW!)

One thing I'd say is make sure he doesn't have any hidden money - he's a high earner, but they have no assets other than the house? Make sure he provides all pension CETVs. Some of these high earners have huge pensions - in my case, the offset value was enough to give me our 4 bed house and pay off the mortgage.

Interesting. Glad you received a good outcome.

When I worked for a divorce lawyer we had a case where adult children were still living with mum and dad was wrangling over selling the house and some inheritance assets said to be worth a lot. It took a toll on the whole family. As neither of them would back down.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 15/04/2026 09:47

great honest advice thank you.

their pensions are both the same as each other, so cancel each other out.

none of the children see their dad at the moment so definitely don’t want to live with him.

The ex is currently offering 60% of the house no spousal etc, despite her giving up her chance to earn a higher wage and look after the kids for the last 20 yrs.

Confused
OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 15/04/2026 10:05

Well on the face of it that doesn’t sound unreasonable but will of course depend on the numbers involved and what he, and she now earns. Unless he’s a very high earner she won’t get spousal ( or certainly not beyond a limited amount and time bound for few years)

what is her offer ?

millymollymoomoo · 15/04/2026 10:06

How are their pensions equal? that implies she’s been working

deserthighway · 15/04/2026 10:14

whycantitbecalm · 15/04/2026 09:47

great honest advice thank you.

their pensions are both the same as each other, so cancel each other out.

none of the children see their dad at the moment so definitely don’t want to live with him.

The ex is currently offering 60% of the house no spousal etc, despite her giving up her chance to earn a higher wage and look after the kids for the last 20 yrs.

Confused

60% and no spousal? I'd snap that offer up. Her youngest will be an adult by the time this is finished and won't be counted.

If she looked after the kids for 20 years and turned down the chance to earn a higher wage then how come her pension is the same as his?

Soontobe60 · 15/04/2026 10:24

The ex is currently offering 60% of the house no spousal etc, despite her giving up her chance to earn a higher wage and look after the kids for the last 20 yrs

So how come they have the same pension amounts then? Presumably she chose to take a lower paid job?

Freedomsjustanotherword · 15/04/2026 14:53

Well, it's not as simple as women 'choosing' to take a lower paid job when there are children that need to be raised and with the sex-based pay gap, is it?

I was going to ask the pensions though - how come they're the same with such a disparity between their incomes? Also, what her counter offer is.

Original poster
whycantitbecalm · 15/04/2026 15:14

@millymollymoomoo
she earns around £25k a year he earns 3x that
they only have private pensions, he’s self employed and paid equal amounts into each of theirs.

she would like to try for spousal as despite the kids not counting she will still need to house them while she tries to increase her earning capacity and her current wage may not cover the bills etc

OP posts:
JalamityCame · 15/04/2026 15:25

No chance of spousal if he’s earning £75k.

PoppinjayPolly · 15/04/2026 15:29

if youngest is 17, am assuming she’s been back at work for 12 years?
she’s not actually had a work pension? Just what he’s paid?

PoppinjayPolly · 15/04/2026 15:30

whycantitbecalm · 15/04/2026 15:14

@millymollymoomoo
she earns around £25k a year he earns 3x that
they only have private pensions, he’s self employed and paid equal amounts into each of theirs.

she would like to try for spousal as despite the kids not counting she will still need to house them while she tries to increase her earning capacity and her current wage may not cover the bills etc

do the older dc not earn anything?

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · 15/04/2026 15:34

75k is not a high earner. She won't get spousal in a million years.

AlphaApple · 15/04/2026 15:36

He earns £75k? That is not a particularly high salary in this economy, sorry to say. If he's cold-hearted enough to leave her in the lurch he's probably enough of a bastard to chuck in his job during the financial settlement so your friend needs to accept that she can only rely on herself now.

She needs legal advice but the situation with the adult children also needs to change. They cannot rely on a low earning parent to house them so they either need to find flat shares or contribute to rent/mortgage with their mum.

Your friend needs to look at how she can increase her earning potential.