Concerned about my son's behaviour and ex undermining boundaries after divorce

[FallenFigs]

I'll try to keep this succinct, but there is a lot to cover.

ExDH and I separated three years ago. It was a fairly unpleasant marriage and very high conflict by the end. DC were 14 and 12.
ExDH moved out, we established a routine and did communicate ok at first, but over time, as we tried to deal with the finances, things deteriorated. He can be intimidating and dominating.

We are now divorced. Throughout the process, he has harboured a great deal of resentment towards me, which has increased over time. His resentment is not hidden from the kids - he has told them he 'gives me all his money' (despite managing several holidays with his girlfriend) and the usual nonsense. He oozes contempt towards me.

The issue is the impact on my DS, now 15. His behaviour is now extremely difficult to manage. He is very disrespectful and contemptuous, both to me and his sister. If he is pulled up on something in my home (for example, being rude) he blows up. He has a gaming device purchased by his dad that has not restrictions, and will spend literally ALL day on it - and is very confrontational when challenged to do something else. He has also recently just taken off to his dad's (where there are no boundaries and he is able to spend the whole day inside on tech if he wishes, which is what he does). He has recently damaged things in the house. This behaviour makes me ashamed and I haven't told even those closest to me about it, as I know it's really concerning and I feel stuck and lost for how to deal with it, when the other 'parent' will do everything he can to undermine me.

I am desperately sad about it. My DS is bright and emotionally intelligent, but he is caught between two parents who have a toxic relationship. I worry this severely impacting his mental health. What do I need to do, what can I do? I am quite concerned about the long term impact on my son, and my daughter (although she seems miraculously balanced about it all).

Would he attend counseling if organised?

I'm not sure. My instinct says no. I think he's feeling a lot of shame at the moment - his behaviour has escalated over the last few weeks. Previously when he's had outbursts, he's expressed remorse and apologised, but it's noticeable he's stopped doing this recently.

I also think my exH would be extremely dismissive, and probably mocking of the idea, so it would be risk that could push him further away.

I think you are jumping to conclusions the behaviour is the impact of divorce rather than just 15 year old boy hormonal changes. Read a parenting teens book or do a course this sort of teenage rage is really common and maybe he’s scared himself of his emotions. How is he at school or with his friends parents? Does he behave then? I think that’s often a better indicator of whether there’s deeper problems.
It’s obviously harder when there isn’t a good male role model or an unsupportive co parent. My ex was useless and had modelled unhelpful behaviours.
You can only control your own parenting approach and expectations of them. it’s not unusual for boys to push their mums away at this age it’s a normal part of independence. If his behaviour is bad for others and not just within his safe space at home then you probably need to speak to school.
I went through difficult behaviours with both my sons as a single parent at 15-17 and both came out the other side as good humans. It was just a horrible hormonal phase. Sometimes they did weaponise our family situation in arguments but I honestly think if I hadn’t been divorced / single parent they would still have been vile at times and found another button to push.
There is lots of advice about how to navigate parenting teens. That where I would start not assuming it’s the fault of your family situation.

Of course, i get its likely part of this is a teenage process. But I am trying to unravel which bits are ‘normal’ and which bits he might need support with.

But I do feel that his dad is reinforcing this ‘pushing away’ and if he’s seeing his dad disrespect me as an ‘normal’ adult behaviour, I worry where it will end. I don’t wish to turn a blind eye to something that is possibly quite serious and may have long term implications. He has more to weaponise via his Dad’s views toward me - and there are few adults around him to balance out his dad’s view. Recently, I took him and a friend away and he behaved quite badly, consistently, with the friend present. This included repeated disrespectful and confrontational behaviour, he’d lost that filter for sure.

do you have a course or book to recommend?