Introducing a third party too soon

[Treshar1]

I'm in the middle of getting divorced from my ex, because I found out she's cheated on me more than once, shared recordings of herself etc., but this is not about what shes done.

The day the relationship ends, she's already talked to/met a guy 14 days ago. It's now been 14 days since the breakup, meaning she's been talking to him for 1 month now. Apparantly he's fantastic, and she's got tunnel vision. She's let our 2 twin boys down in various situations, who will soon be 12. By this I mean: not being present during family time because she's busy talking to him and doesn't have the energy to read a bedtime story.

What drove me to this forum is, that she's now also busy bringing this guy into the children's lives. I'm officially moving by end of April, but I've had to move the date up because of the things that are happening, so I'm still at home... It starts with her talking about an overnight stay at an amusement park, and one of the boys expresses concern about sleeping in the same room as him - and driving in the same car as him. I talk to the boys the next day because she wasn't listening, and it ended with them saying - if they could reschedule the trip. But it couldn't be done because it was booked and couldn't be refunded. It ends with a "oh well". I try to tell her that they're not ready, and should'nt be ready. She says: "No, but erm, they were supposed to meet him at the end of April, and to increase the "comfortness" - the next time they talked together, the boys could hear his voice, which happened that same evening.

I'm tired of the boys not being allowed to feel what it's like, that their mom and dad won't live together anymore, or what it's like to switch between 2 homes. Heck, I don't even know yet. New guy first.

I've given up on going the mother-in-law route, as she either seems indifferent or paralyzed. I dont have the ressources to go through authorities, and it also seems overwhelming. I'm still processing what's happening, and it's pretty tough to establish a new home in 14 days in no man's land. What should I do? Nothing?

If you have legitimate concerns for your stbxw's judgement and your children's welfare you need legal advice and consider going for full custody.

Bloody hell, she sounds flaky. I’d be outraged by having another partner introduced to children so early. Seems to fit with her other behaviour, she sounds immature and easily distracted without much regard for safety?

Why are you moving out? Are you in mediation?

I wouldn't move out and leave her with the boys. Id asked her to leave and you stay with them just for their sake.
She clearly is putting her "love life" before the needs of her family.
You have put the twins are nearly 12 so to be honest they are old enough to state they do not want to go away with this new guy, and have their concerns listened tto.if she doesn't listen to them that is selfish and neglectful of their wants and needs.
If you havent already sought legal advice , I would be doing so.

Its for my own mental health. She has been so mean and I cant bear to watch what shes doing with the kids. I dont feel like the kids are truly safe, so I want to give them an option to go when they want. Staying will only make things worse, and more arguments will happen.

Exactly why she should be the one to move?

Well to me I dont think I could make her do that, as shes so irresponsible. Theres also a financial decision behind this (no savings), as my new temporary home is much much cheaper. Friend is helping with this.

Also the times shes cheated, happened in our home / bed. So a lot of pain related to being here.

Sorry but you can’t bare to watch how she treats the kids so you’ll leave them there !?

sorry but your head needs a wobble. They need a safe, secure, stable parent who’s looking out for them and currently it seems they have neither! Poor kids

at 12 they’d be listened to in court re where they live and from what you say here it should be you

My mental health is hurting badly. Before she told me about cheating, her last ultimatum was to accept a fuck buddy or she will do it behind my back. I cant explain what that does to you, when we have been together for 25 years.

the court will consider who your children want to live with so you should be giving them choice to come with you if they wish to do so.
why would you leave them behind in a situation the don’t want to be in?
The only thing I am a bit baffled about is that you say she isn’t there for the twins bedtime story as she is prioritising speaking to her new partner…they are nearly 12, I can’t think of any 11/12 year olds that still have a bedtime story.
These boys are at high school and will soon be teenagers going through puberty, start treating them as the age that they are and listen to what they want without judgement or influence.
I do think people should wait a while post separation before getting with new partners when they have children to consider but not everyone thinks like that. A relative of mine had moved her new partner into the house within a week of dumping her husband. I was appalled. But she stayed with him for twenty years until he sadly passed away.

You’re an adult. They are children. You owe it to them to put them first. And you’re not

It’s that simple. We dont need sob stories. Women on here have dealt with abuse, emotional torment, financial hardship from
relationships and divorces but not being there for your troubled kids and be their voice - despicable

Yeah well I feel I will be a better father by not being here. I am only 5 mins walking distance away. I will be an easy escape for them, if they need it.

Im sorry but saying you can’t be there for your own mental health whilst leaving your children there with possible adverse impact on their mental health is very telling.
whilst you might only be 5 minutes away are you making sure that you have space for the children to move in with you if they wish to do so?
have you told the children that the are welcome to come and live with you / stay with you if they wish to do so?
walking away from your children and leaving them In a situation they can’t stand does not make you a better father.

Yeah. They will get their own room. Big enough. And they will live with me as much as with her, a mutual agreement - and I will provide the same facilities. And I surprised you are advocating for me to stay, as all I have talked to, say its an unhealthy environment for the kids to be in, because staying gives daily arguments - and she doesnt understand they should not happen in front of them.

I’m not advocating you to stay, not at all. I’m saying you should give your children the option of going with you as it sounds like they don’t want to be around mums new partner.