How to stop hating.

[thatsthatsaidthemayor]

Mid divorce. Just started listening to the ‘Let Them’ book. I want to stop wasting my energy fighting my STBX. I get the theory but can’t fight for my settlement and apply this strategy. I’m having therapy, but I’m triggered by every snotty email from his lawyers. It’s driving me mad and I just want peace. I don’t want to hate him. It’s only harming me. Am I being unrealistic?

I hear where you are coming from, divorce is hell and some exes really let it bring out the worst in them. I don’t have any useful advice really only empathy.

Maybe there is a compromise of trying to focus on positivity in other areas of your life, while dealing with him with as little conflict as possible, but still requesting a fair settlement.

Thank you. I think it’s bringing out the worst in me. Finding it very hard to move what I know is right in my head and moving it to my heart. I think this book will help me. The whole divorce thing is just a much longer process than I realised. I thought I’d be done by now but have a long way to go. I keep saying to myself that it’s not an argument between us, it’s an argument between the lawyers but some of the emails feel so personally attacking.

Are you confident the lawyers are moving things forward? Not just keeping themselves in business sending letters back and forth? Sorry I’m a bit of a cynic maybe. There are lots of ways of coming at conflict resolution, from mediation to court, to a direct agreement with your ex with a consent order. There are different types of lawyers and the Resolution ones may be more focused on resolution than conflict. Though I guess some times you need to fight fire with fire…I dunno. Keep breathing and it will all be over eventually I suppose!

I hate him with every ounce of my being as he rinsed me for as much as he could. It’s hard not to be bitter, but when you have to pay someone money ( which he never contributed to) and give him half your pension. I guess I can only say I’m glad he is no longer in my life, the shit stain that he is. That said, he dragged the divorce on, and 1.5 years on from filing, I’m still waiting for the financial order to be signed.

What is being argued about ?

OP, you will stop hating, but you will probably have to get the divorce out of the way first. Time really is a great healer, especially once it’s all sorted and so long as there aren’t rows about the DC. My divorce was a horror story and took forever because my ex kept going back and back to court and not doing what they’d asked so it would be adjourned (made my lawyers seethe as he was a litigant in person and played the system to the max). But you do come out the other side, and then you can consign your ex to the dustbin of history.

Don't put pressure on yourself to follow 'let them' during your divorce.

That can all come after the divorce is finalised.

I so want to move on with dignity but keep getting sucked in. I have resolved to accept it when it’s done but don’t want to waste my energy on the meantime. The tone of his lawyers emails are insulting to me. Apart from the lies

I'm starting to struggle with hating tbh. Things have been so amicable up till now, but today marks a year since he came out and I've had my house purchase delayed due to his lack of organising the paperwork to buy me out.

We're still living together, and I'm being civil for our young kids sake, but I properly shouted at him over the phone last week because he wasn't chasing anything to do with his solicitors actually processing and pushing things forward. It will hopefully go ahead this week, but I'm so tantalisingly close to being free of him!

I see nothing wrong with hating as long as it doesnt lead into an obsession.

Quickly hated my ex when we split which I am grateful for - meant moving on (including feelings of wanting her back) going almost straight away. Why? Partly the kids, costing them financially and them missing out on things, for me due to only having kids half the time now, and also for not bothering to try to fix things after together 20 years, and then the fact she bad-mouthed me to mutual friends and some in my family. Then her attitude after split and trying to use the kids as a weapon against me.

So now, when I do think of her (like if I pass a place we used to go to) there really is no feeling, when I have seen her out and about I don't even look.

My financial proceedings were toxic. I would say stay focussed on the issues the court decides. ExH got sucked into character assassination of me and none of it did him any favours at the hearing and much of it was totally irrelevant to the issues of future housing, pension etc that needed to be decided.
I’ve often wondered if lawyers are forced to put forward garbage and abusive arguments as I found it really hard to believe his lawyer hadn't advised him against most of what he did and said.
You will find peace afterwards and some of it will fade. if they have to resort to lies and personal attacks that usually means their main case isn’t good enough.

I know how you feel OP - my divorce was hellish and seemed to take forever to complete. I got the snotty solicitors letters too and they would cause a physical response in me - even a panic attack one time. It would feel like all the horrible things he used to say when we argued had been dressed up in fancy lawyer language, and sent to me - and it was devastating to read. It's hard to process that a person you spent your life and shared children with can behave like that, and I will say that my solicitor didn't rise to it at all, and was professionalism personified. It was tempting at the time to want her to give as good as she got, but now I'm happy she didn't. It does feel more dignified.

All I can say to you is what my therapist said to me: you're in a process, and that process will be over one day - and then you will be free. I wouldn't dwell on whether you hate him, or the 'drop the rope' thing now - just keep on putting one foot in front of the other and reassure yourself that there will be an end to this.

I'll say this, I'm watching a work colleague go through a very bitter divorce and custody battle and its actually made mine smoother. I dobt want to ge that bitter horrible petson fixated on making someone elses life worse just because I can.

I've gotten over my spell of being worried about hating STBEXH. I've decided its ok to hate if it doesn't consume me, and that I can treat him completely normally too. He's still the father of my kids abd we need to get on for that reason. He's still a tosser though

Thanks for realism. I am committed to accepting once it’s done it’s done. It’s just the bloody length of the process