Exhausted keeping it all together for the kids...how do i know if they're ok?

[fuuuuckthis]

DH had an affair and left, over a year ago. 2 teen dc stayed with me, he has been rubbish in terms of contact with them. Sporadic, no overnights or day to day care etc. But around a lot as well..I know this unsettles me, I don't know how they feel.
I think they are doing ok, and I know that I put a mammoth effort into making sure this was the case....made Christmas, birthdays etc special and nearly broke myself keeping everything "normal" for them.
A year or so down the line I'm weary...I have a new relationship which I'm enjoying but is hard to juggle while still making sure the kids are ok. I need to refocus a bit on work before I lose my bloody job, and I need to think of being completely self sufficient in the near future. My kids are of course my main priority, always, but I don't know how long I can keep this hyper focus up. I don't even know if it's good for them.
How on earth do I know that they're ok? I feel like i need to look after myself too, but maybe the reality is that that has to wait?

Sounds obvious but have you asked? Do they know that it’s ok to tell you’re if they’re not, or just fed up, or if they’re sad etc?

have you acknowledged to them that you’re concerned and just don’t know what to do that’s right all the time ?

I think it’s about fostering a situation where they just know you’re there and they can talk to you if they want about anything

besides asking and allowing them time to discuss this (and their view and feelings will change over time so you have to ask periodically).
you really won't know till they are well into adulthood.

Yes this is my fear really @BreakingBroken

@millymollymoomooi do ask, and they know they can talk to me, but I also think they feel quite protective of me. They are both quite people pleasery too. So i think their tendency is just to always say they're fine

The reality is you can’t keep it up, so acknowledge your weariness to them. They are teens. You do need to look after yourself so you can do your best. Can you get a break somehow? Can you start a rota where they assist with household tasks, taking turns at cooking dinner etc. Time for them to step up and act like housemates to give you a break. I try to do this here (can’t say it’s always a success, but may get the message across that you are not Superwoman).

How much of what you are feeling is because the ex is around a lot? Personally I would knock that on the head and if he can't make the effort to meet regularly with your children, stop making excuses for him.

Bless you, it certainly is exhausting. I am two weeks into a lurgy that I know has come on because I am holding onto so much stress.

Same situation for me but two years in and still trying to get divorced while he nitpicks over every penny. I ask my teens now and again but like yours they say they are fine. They find him stressful to be around, he puts them on edge and can't seem to act 'normal' around them any more. They see him once every few weeks for an hour and that's it, but like you I find he is 'around' all the time, messaging them/me, asking loads of questions. I want rid of him from my life as it drains me so much, and would love to know how to do that while we have kids together. But oldest is 18 and youngest almost 16 so hopefully soon.

Sorry no advice, but solidarity - and we both know we need to be easier on ourselves right?!

@ikeepforgettingI'm sorry you're in this situation too...it's a horrible stressful limbo. I just want to move on to whatever the next stage is.
@roobyredthey do help with the physical stuff, housework etc and I do stress the fact that we're a team. But the emotional side of things is exhausting, always being the parent in charge and having to focus on them all the time...I know that sounds bad!
@PrincessofWellsI'd love shot of him but don't know how i can?

I don’t think it sounds bad, I think this all the time! It’s psychologically draining being a lone parent. Very very difficult and lonely. Sometimes I just want to be mothered. I honestly think the best approach would be a woman’s commune where male visitors were allowed at set times, if required!

@roobyredmy mother isn't/ wasn't very mothering..but i recently got the extremely rare opportunity for a kid free weekend away with my partner...I don't like being too helpless and like to be an equal, but it was quite frankly bliss just having someone else to take care of things just a little bit.
I feel even more hard done to now I'm back 😅

Neither is mine, but you can fantasise!