Sixty days until conditional order and still sharing a bed

[Trailmix3]

I’ve got 60 days of this left til conditional order and boy am I finding it hard work. It’s hideous. We are still sharing a bed and pretending for kids. But omg it’s utter torture. I’m slowly building up my own life and he’s done nothing for divorce, I’ve done it all. He’s agreed to everything so far. Also my perimenopause has really started showing itself the last few months.

I just want out but it’s going to be aaaages.

we are friendly in front of kids but I feel like I’m on cusp of a new life but can’t start it because I’m trapped in this slow painful torture. Living with a man that treated me badly, lied and possibly never really was “my one”. Now I’m approaching 50 and living in the same house we purchased before we married due to his crap finances. I’ll never provide properly for kids. What a terrible terrible shame.

no real question, just what a total mess

When do you plan to tell the dc?

You’re literally divorcing. Surely your kids are going to find out? Why keep up a lie? Yes to remaining civil but actively trying to cover it up seems madness.

Why go through this sham. Tell kids you are no longer making each other happy and getting a divorce. Sleeping same bed whilst getting a divorce is weird. One could take sofa.

Same bed is wierd. Just tell the kids for gods sake and have some distance between you - no need to have meals together and sleep together. Take turns to sleep on the sofa if no spare room.

I felt awful moving out of the bedroom.. but in the end it was actually way less bad than I thought. The kids didn't really bat an eyelid and accepted it. Do you have a spare space. If your DC are young could you throw a mattress on the floor in their room.. I think anything would be better than this

re my kids, the advice I’ve been given is to tell them when there is a firm plan. “Dad is moving to new place next week” etc.

we are months away from sorting finances and although he’s agreed I can buy him out, he’s making no plans to go. We need to wait until the court has agreed to the plan before I buy him out.

Start sorting the finances now so that once the conditional order comes through you can move with this. He needs to sort a new place now - you can’t be stuck in this limbo endlessly. He can rent short term until the financial order is finalised. I know it’s hard OP. But you don’t need to dance to his tune any more - you are a decision maker in your own right.

you can tell the kids you’re divorcing and that ‘once daddy finds somewhere’ he’ll be moving out. Will you be doing 50/50? You sound very passive in this, I don’t blame you - it’s totally overwhelming and there’s so much change. But take this as positive! A change for the better for you and the kids!

How old are the kids?

That's the opposite advice I've had. We told the kids right at the start, gives them a chance to go through all the emotions, ask questions before their world is flipped and there's new houses and routines etc

Advice from professionals or from friend / family?

We consulted a child psychiatrist when we were splitting up. We also remained in the same house for a long time due to circumstances albeit in separate bedrooms after a bit.
We were told to name the tension. As the kids will have picked up on the tension between us no matter how we try to mask it. We told them that mummy and daddy didn't love each other any .ore, we both loved them etc etc. We didn't talk about divorce or one leaving at that point because we were not sure on the details. I'd say something if I were you. Even if you remain in the bedroom

We separated last summer but are still living together whilst everything goes through. I’m also buying ex out. We filed for divorce end of August/September and stayed in the same bedroom until beginning of October to avoid telling the kids.

We told the kids end of October and after the first 12 hours of them being upset and in shock, they’ve honestly been fine. Or seemed it.

I started looking to sort finances through mediation in September, I knew everything would fall to me so started early. It was January when he actually was ready to start sitting down with a mediator. As soon as we agreed I instructed a solicitor for writing up the order. I started conveyancing as soon as she advised me too but we are now in a situation where he has not been looking for properties, despite me telling to, and I don’t know where he will be going when the house transfer takes place.

basically, my advise to you is stop sharing a bed, tell the kids and start sorting finances now so you can submit the consent order as soon as the conditional order is granted. He will continue to drag his feet in my experience so you need to keep pushing on.

Op I’d be extremely shocked if your kids don’t know. My kids after months of our crap started making jokes (horrifically sad ones) about if you divorce or parents who really love each other etc. ye are not Oscar winning actors. Talk to him about how you tell them, you can’t just randomly name a day their daddy is leaving, you need to start letting them know you both love them and their parents don’t feel the same way about each other

Start on your financial order now so you have that ready to lodge as soon as the conditional order is granted, you can then apply for the final order quickly

Also just to add, kids need more than a week to know Dad is moving out. I’m getting itchy that they know Dad is moving out but don’t know where to when we’re about a month off that point at least. They need time to prepare. Of course this depends how old the children are too how much they can think things through.

I feel like it would be better if the kids had this time to go through the emotions, rather than springing it on them that dad is leaving next week. It might even allow family discussions with both parents (if he could manage) and give the kids a more solid footing moving forward.