Worried child maintenance application will trigger abuse

[RoomForPudding]

Hi all
I have been divorced for three years and have an informal arrangement with my ex - he has our daughter one night a week. Let's say we have a difficult coparenting relationship. He is difficult and argumentative, and makes life difficult for me. His parenting is okay but not great - typical no rules in his house, our daughter comes back disregulated and rude from her time with him. There is a history of domestic abuse and he remains very hostile to me.

He currently makes no structured maintenance payments. Whenever I bring it up, he says that he will simply have our daughter 50/50. I feel very, very strongly that I don't want this to happen. He tells me instead that I should simply ask him for contributions as and when I have expenditure. The problem is that when I do, he is argumentative - challenging whether it is really necessary and with every contact comes personal insults and accusations.
I'm fed up with it. I am very close to making a child maintenance application, but I am worried that his reaction will be to dishonour our arrangement. For instance, on a Friday I have our daughter in wraparound care while I am at work and he could just pick her up if he wanted to.

Part of me thinks I should not upset the apple cart: within the limitations of his unpleasant character, I have a happy child and an arrangement I can just about live with. On the other hand, I receive abuse anyway and am drip-fed small amounts of money - I would probably say since we split, he has paid me a total of maybe £500. I buy all clothes, pay for most activities, wraparound care, holidays etc. The money would be helpful, but I am just about managing without it. Even £100 a month would make a great difference.

Does anyone have any experience or advice?

Thanks all x

You have to weigh up whether he really will have your daughter 50/50, does his work allow for it?

If the answer is yes then he’s obviously enough of a massive fuckhead to take you to court.

If not, then file for CMS and let him take you to court for contact. I would send one message saying she’s not coping and coming back deregulated so he’s going to need to go to mediation and court for regular contact.

but you need to know the answer about his work first, can he do pick ups and drops offs to school etc?

Honestly, he is telling you what he will do and with no court order can just do it. I think he would at the beginning tk get you to cave, will likely still not pay and you'll end up going with the collect and pay option. If he's self employed then he is likely to be able to fiddle it to pay nothing.
I would start documenting the abuse, keep everything in writing.
Honestly, if this was me now, I would handle the cost and save my child from then being stuck in the middle and the escalation in abuse. Unless you have a court order limiting the abusive ex's time and ability to cause havoc, then I would be cautious.
I do think he should be paying, but that money comes at a cost of so much peace for you and your child.
I have a court order, now on direct pay, and he's taking me back to court tk get more time to 50/50 just so he doesn't have to pay.
The other option is, could he actually do 50/50? Chances are he would just cause mayhem by randomly picking her up whenever it suited hjm. And you would end up in court to manage the consistency for your child.
It is such a hard one, the correct answer is he should pay, routine should stay the same for the child, and communication is limited between you. But in these cases it is never that smooth.

I had exactly this situation. I did make thr CMS application.
He went berserk but ultimately had to pay. The fact that your daughter is young means that if you do CMS now, it will establish the situation for years going forward
what you have to weigh up - which you’re already doing - is basically the likelihood of him actually wanting or getting 50% going forward. Since she has an established pattern, courts may be reluctant to change this. OTOH, you may have to give up on some time with her.
i would see a solicitor to try and establish the actual likelihood of him getting 50 50 if he did apply, in the worst case. That will help inform your decision about whether to make an application or not. Good luck.

You have all distilled exactly what my worries are.
His work wouldn't allow total 50/50, but he could certainly have more time. As for taking me to court, I'm not sure he has the wherewithal.

How do I prove how many nights she spends with him?
We have chains of emails talking about arrangements but I don't ever think it is stated clearly for ease of evidence.

My daughter does enjoy spending time with him (as I said, no rules in his house) and I wonder whether I just need to weather the storm briefly before he gets bored and goes back to an easy life. But I could be wrong, and if I am I don't want to regret my actions.

Thank you all x

How old is your daughter ? Would She actually like more than one night at her dads ( it’s not much)

is your ex on a salaried role ? If so how much ?

of course he should be paying but as others have said it might cause grief and you don’t know whether he’s laying it out so you know his actions or simply threatening and won’t carry them out.
What cms£ would be due ? £100 a month - not worth it - £1000 id put the claim in and deal
with the fallout.

how likely is he to push 50/50 / only you can tell but if he requests it and dan demonstrates it’s possible ( even with childcare) he’ll likely get it ( or at least more than he has now)

Those are helpful considerations, thank you.
My daughter is 6. She would happily have another night with him. He's in a salaried role, so that would be relatively straightforward, I think.

I have been reluctant to get into the details, but while we were married he was a heavy weed smoker, including while caring for her. He says he no longer does it, but he lied about it when we were together so I don't really believe him. He used to drive under the influence. I have been back and forth about how damaging it is for her to be in his presence, believe me. My solicitor thought that even in court, and with a drugs test, he would likely still have some sort of access to her.
I just don't know whether I want to get into a full blown war - he is totally deluded about who I am and why we are divorced, versus, standing up for myself and not having to shoulder everything financially.

Go to the child support agency and start a claim that’s ridiculous.

It’s ridiculous that he’s not paying

it’s not ridiculous that op is weighing up whether it’s worth it or will just bring her much more hassle for not much in return , especially if he carries out his threat for increased time. While it seems unlikely based on latest update the bar is quite low so he could still get more time

I'd rather receive no money and keep the current arrangement than risk him going to court in retaliation and being awarded more time ( which he may well get).

Only allow him to communicate with you through a parenting app, then if he chooses to abuse you it's all right there.
He can argue with CMS all he wants about paying for his child.