Long story short; married 25 years this summer. Kids are 20 and 16. Both have at least another year of fulltime education. I work fulltime in a good job and DH is self-employed and we now earn about the same (after many years of me earning more but he is good with money).
DH has ASD as well as seasonal depression and various other issues including dismissive avoidance (so he can’t tolerate anything resembling an argument and withdraws, for days and currently I’m on week 7..) and some narc tendencies to boot. He’s a difficult character but I’ve always loved him and still attracted to him. He just seems to be sinking into middle age becoming entrenched with stronger views than ever (some misogynist and anti-liberal, even some racist comments..) and honestly I like him less and less.
Then within the space of a few weeks we had a massive row (I found out he was being unethical about something and he says it’s none of my business but it does indirectly affect me and - if he was fully exposed - probably our family), I then buried my mum’s ashes after travelling for 3 days alone because he didn’t come (wasn’t talking to me after the argument) and didn’t contact me at all. I was devastated to do that alone. When I got home he just continued ignoring me.
we had a short separation a few years back so we’re thankfully in separate rooms and he does his own laundry and does no cleaning or DIY at all - but takes bins out and does the dishwasher half the time. So functionally we’re pretty separated. He’s ok with the kids; passive but not a problem to them. In short; if he’s left alone to do his thing living with him is ‘ok’. But since we had the big fight and he abandoned me at my most raw he continues the silent treatment, walks out of the room when I come in, won’t engage except short notes on text re kids logistics. He got ugly in the argument (I’d hit a raw nerve and he felt accused where it’s a difference of values which he refuses to acknowledge could impact me too) so he’s really offended. He sent me some harsh texts and basically said he feels nothing for me by choice. He’s switched off to me and doesn’t intend to change anything. He then hints that he’s been unhappy for a long time and he makes “sacrifices” for me (refering to his room being smaller and he doesn’t clean it or look after it, there is mould etc, he’s a martyr basically). He agreed to go to counselling and we had 3 horrific sessions where he opened with “I am who I am I’m never going to change she can accept it or leave”. I was stunned. The counsellor tried to tackle the ethics issue as she agreed it’s bordering on dangerous legally) and him name calling and yelling at me but he’s completely shut down and checked out. He considers us separated but has refused to leave. He says he’s fine and happy now we’re not interacting and is now telling people he was being emotionally abused by me, accused of wrongdoing etc.
Honestly on top of my grief it has nearly broken me and I’m suffocating stuck in the house with an ‘angry lodger’ who has every right to be here but has absolutely broken my heart to pieces.
I’ve seen a solicitor and understand my legal and financial position but I’m now on medical leave as too unwell to work. Kids upset (more so the youngest of course) but he’s just marking time now until they leave in 18 months or so. He’s refusing to leave whilst the kids get use from him being here (was how he phrased it). He doesn’t respond to my please for my well being and health (I have a chronic condition made worse by stress) - he does not care.
I am flared up, scared, heartbroken and unable to work (I wfh and have no privacy anyway) and meanwhile he has suddenly become life and soul and is out several times a week socialising (he barely went out anywhere but church on a Sunday for years!) He’s telling everyone everything is fine and telling our youngest it’s to save ME from reputation damage amongst our friends and church.
I feel like I’ve just been erased from my own life.
Oh and he told me he cancelled the family holiday we planned in July (I said to cancel and hoped we can reconcile or get to coparenting and book later).. I found out by accident he’s never cancelled it but plans to go with our eldest.
I feel betrayed and dumped and all kinds of things I didn’t know I could feel.
I cannot and will not leave my kids but I can’t cope living parallel lives under the roof… or do I have to suck it up and just learn how??
Even if I push forward with legal separation now (which as of yesterday I said he’s left me no choice so I have to instruct a solicitor now, which he hasn’t responded to other than to forward my message to the minister!) it would take months to force a sale and the kids need the location for transport as well as stability for exams.
I feel utterly stuck.
How do I live life around the man who has crushed my heart and ghosted me under my own roof?