Husband planning divorce and telling family first, what should I do?

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

Marriage is at its worst. I want a divorce & have suggested it a few times but husband has refused. He also wonr leave shared home. We have 2 dcs. Currently not speaking (thats on another thread). Ive just found out hes planning divorce & getting things lined up & has shared with family. What he is shared makes me look awdul, which i guess is to be expected. No accountability from his part.

What do I do? Wait for it to land?!

I'm sorry to hear this. He will twist the narrative so that he doesn't appear to be the bad buy in all this. How did you find out he was doing this?

But yes, you've just got to let it play out now, wait until you receive the divorce papers and then proceed ahead.

In the grand scheme of things I don’t think it matters who did what.
Most children come from broken homes so it’s not groundbreaking.
Ignore what he says, it doesn’t matter.
Just surround yourself with people who care about you.

There is nothing to stop you starting the process.. just go online... No fault is normal now just work out how you think things could work best for the dc 50:50 is usual starting point for assets and time... But not absolute don't be pushed into quick financial decisions

I would rather take the initiative especially as you've suggested it before.... But if you need time to get your ducks in a row (there's lots of advice on Mumsnet about that) maybe arrange to see a local solicitor or law centre and just get planning..

Ignore his narrative to others.. for your own support if you want to wait a while before naking it formal maybe look for some local counselling to help you talk things through.

Focus on the thing you want. Which is presumably to get divorced. You don’t need his consent. You don’t need to agree with his reasons why the marriage ended and you don’t have to have anything to do with his family.

Having read your other thread, he is doing the right thing if he is planning a divorce. He shouldn’t be bad mouthing you but I think that is a function of the toxic relationship you have. As others have said you are as bad as each other. That came from the MN relationship board which is not known to, even remotely, take the husband’s side. You are both playing toxic games and you are both suffering because of that. Worse, you children are suffering.

The divorce will simply legalise the fact you aren’t a couple.

Dont wait. Get informed. Finances pensions equity. Where you will live. Child arrangements.
Talk to someone for emotional support. Look for a divorced and separated group near you.

I think that the reality of the situation will land for some people and not for others no matter who he tries to influence. I’ve seen it lots of time, many people who try to influence other people’s perception of them via narrative twisting and manipulation, quite poor characters around them often fall for it but other more genuine people with better character see right through.

Step back from that focus on your own situation which is getting your life in order and start to rely on the people who are in your corner.

wonder if he’s been advised to get his ducks in their row?

Now you know it's happening, take steps to protect yourself and start separating things like finances and securing paperwork somewhere safe so he can't hide things from you.

It's his house too so why should he leave? More reason to get the ball rolling on the devorce.

Neither should leave the property.

Once the divorce is further ahead the house will need sold or one of you buys the other out.

Plan your future, and get a parenting app, and therapy for your kids. What he tells people is his business, just disengage entirely, the marriage is over so no need for more fighting.

I think what he tells people and what his family thinks will start to feel irrelevant pretty soon. At least it did for me. I didn’t mind in the slightest that he bad mouthed me to his family. I didn’t want any contact with him or them anyway. Just focus on you and your side of the divorce. Him and his actions not getting to you is a huge win.

Most certainly. I think need to let go of how id like this all to play out, we've had many conversations about sepetation in the past & he has always said he doesnt want to break the family up, but I've said its broken as it is. So to know he is planning sneakily isnt surprising, doesn't sit well.

Yes this is what I need. I really like his family hough, so loosing them is going to be a bigger loss than not having him.

Yes I need to hear this. There is no longer a need to fight. The marriage is over.

The first rule of divorce is that he’s no longer your friend so you need to assume that he won’t do the kindest thing. You have to do the same. What’s in the best interest of you and the kids? What would a person without feelings of love/guilt do?

Just file and tell people that you’re divorcing. He will tell people whatever he wants whether it’s true, the “kinder truth” you planned on saying or downright lies. You can’t stop him doing this.

Divorce is a rollercoaster of emotions that you have to ride until things settle. There will be highs and lows but things eventually settle even if it seems impossible to imagine that right now. 💐 Right now it’s a good idea to seek legal advice and stop replying to texts immediately. Your reaction to texts could be sadness or anger but you need to remember that conversations can be saved and screenshots sent so best to keep it business like so it can’t be used to support his story that h lead to get away from you.

Thank you for this, really good advice & appreciated so much. We are barely speaking so very few texts over the last couple of weeks. Need to keep in mind hes no longer a friend & whatever he does, doesnt concern me. Will keep it as platonic as possible.

Is he trying to hide money…?

Get a good picture of your current financial situation, and an appointment with a solicitor. Keep your cards close to your chest and accept in terms of what he says about you, it could get worse before it gets better, but hold your line.

Your aim is not to get dragged into the mud, keep your head up and focus on what the best outcome of this will look like in five years time and keep heading towards that.

I have no access to "our" savings anyway.

Solicitor, don't hang about.

He’s acting like this because he’s further on in with emotional detachment process.

The legal process (in England and Wales) assumes that divorce is no fault. It obviously matters to you why the relationship broke down but he won’t get a better financial settlement because of anything that you may or may not have done. He may make up stories to his family and friends about why you’ve split but you know the truth and there’s nothing stopping you telling your friends and family your side of the story.

It sounds like the saddest bit of the split is losing his family anyway. I can’t comment on that bit but maybe someone can offer more sage advice like hoping that your kids get the benefits of seeing and being loved by these people that you really like.

Thats a really nice perspective - for my children to get the benefit of his/their family. Thank you.