Your ex’s new partner

[notmeitisyou]

I’m currently going through a divorce, and my ex has already moved in with his new girlfriend. I’m struggling with how to handle this situation, especially when it comes to interacting with her because of the children.

I understand that, realistically, there may be times when some level of contact is unavoidable. But right now, I’m honestly not ready for that, and I’m not sure if I ever will be. The idea of having to engage with her makes me really uncomfortable.

I recently watched an interview with about:blank Kate Winslet where she spoke about having a great relationship with her ex’s new wife and even described her as a close friend. I can appreciate that kind of maturity, but I just don’t see myself getting to that place.

Is it normal to feel this way? Am I just being too bitter, or is it okay to want to keep as much distance as possible? At the moment, I feel like I’d rather not see or interact with her at all.

I doubt she’s that fussed about having much to do with you either, can’t you just have a civil hello at the door if your paths cross?

It's ok to feel uncomfortable and it's also ok not to want to interact with her at this stage. You can do handovers with your ex-husband. If they are with her (which I find inappropriate on his part) just make it a short hi/bye situation.

When my ex moved in with his girlfriend, I asked the kids if she was nice and they said yes. The fact that she was kind to them was what mattered to me. My ex kept us separate, as he didn't want her talking to me (and possibly finding out about the cheating lol).

I’m currently separated and our divorce isn’t finalised yet. My ex has already moved in with a new girlfriend, and the children don’t know about her at this stage.

I’m honestly really upset about the timing — I feel like he could have waited a bit — but I also know I can’t control that. There was no cheating involved in our breakup, but it still feels very difficult to process. I’m sure she may be a perfectly nice person, but I just don’t feel ready (or willing, if I’m honest) to interact with her.

Because of that, I’m wondering how others manage boundaries in this situation — especially around children and special occasions.

Is it reasonable to set very clear limits, like:

• not having direct contact with the new partner?
• keeping handovers just between me and my ex?

And how do you handle big days like Christmas and birthdays?

At the moment, I feel strongly that I don’t want to spend Christmas without my children. My initial thought was to keep Christmas Day as something we spend together (including their dad coming to us), and then he could take them to his family on Boxing Day.

But I don’t know if that’s realistic or fair long-term. Do most people end up alternating Christmas each year? How have others made this work in a way that’s manageable emotionally but also fair for the children?

I’d really appreciate hearing how people have approached this, especially in the early stages when everything still feels quite raw.

morning OP. i've been separated for 2 years, divorced for 1. ex already engaged and moving in with fiancé, who he has know for 8 months. (men do this apparently. they just can't manage on their own.) i have no intention of forming a relationship with her at all. there is just no need. i have 2x DS who are both late teens so i dont have to negotiate 'handover' etc. i am careful to be extremely neutral about her if my children mention her, because they are old enough to decide what kind of relationship they want with her.

other than that, i will be steering well clear, and enjoying quietly thinking 'you poor thing, what have you let yourself in for'......

take care of yourself. these are hard times x

I don’t think some of those are realistic - eg only handovers between you and ex, there will likely be times she will be there or maybe pick up from your house or you drop off at theirs etc. also to expect ex to spend Christmas Day with you not his girlfriend- can’t see him doing that / most families I know alternate Christmas

what is it that makes you not want to come into any contact with her , especially if she’s not connected to your separation ? You don’t have to become best friends but it makes your children’s lives a lot easier and settled if you’re at least civil and ok to be in the same room

there’s a statistic I once saw that said that like 50% of men get into a new relationship within 12 months of their spouse dying. Now I don’t know how accurate this is, but I have seen it often enough irl that it doesn’t shock me anymore when men move on immediately following a break up or divorce. If they can’t even stay single long enough to grieve after losing a much loved spouse, it’s no surprise they move on quickly after a divorce. For you, what I’m say is essentially him moving on has no bearing on your or the relationship you had. He just wants to fill the gap you have left. But that is bound to feel uncomfortable and being forced to engage with someone dating your ex is awkward and unnatural. As you’ve said, being friendly is the best way to go as it makes your life a million times easier, but that will take a bit of healing and letting go on your side. You don’t have to rush this. In the meantime, boundaries around what you expect for your kids’ relationship with her would help you feel more at ease . Eg decision making, babysitting etc.

It is absolutely normal to feel this way. I wouldn't interact with her at all at least for the time being. All this happy clappy we all get on great stuff isn't for everybody

Arrangements for handovers children can absolutely be between you and your ex, I doubt his new partner particularly wants to be getting involved in any of that anyway. She might be in the house, but handover and admin itself will be with him. Though however difficult it is, you do need to support your children by letting them know it’s okay to talk about what happens when they’re with their dad, which will include talking about his new partner if they’ve all been spending time together, and them not having to feel awkward or as though they have to hold back on what they say because you don’t want to hear about her.

Most divorced parents work out a schedule which involves alternating or splitting the special occasions and festivities. It isn’t realistic to suggest you have every Christmas Day or birthday and he comes to spend the day with you all: he should get to make his own new traditions in his own home with his children, just as you should. At some point it’s likely you’ll be seeing somebody new as well, and both you and your ex will want to share special occasions with new partners rather than with each other: it’s much easier to begin alternating from the start and for the children to be settled into knowing that’s how it works than to confuse and upset them by suddenly changing the “family time” they’d become used to a few years down the line.

Absolutely no need for you to get to know the new partner beyond common civility if your paths happen to cross.

It's nice for the kids if you can manage the occasional special occasions with your ex (Christmas, birthdays etc) but not essential - just depends how the two of you feel really.

As long as you can remain amicable with your ex, and communicate effectively and politely about matters related to the children, you will be doing a good job and better than many!

You don't even know if this new girlfriend will be around next Christmas - it's a long way off - so don't put yourself under stress worrying about it just yet.

I recently went to my son’s friend’s birthday party where the parents are divorced. I know both of them, and they were both there—but this time the dad brought his new partner, while the mum was on her own. She had organised and prepared everything for the party, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her in that situation. She seemed completely fine, and everyone got along well, so maybe it’s just my perception. Still, it made me realise I wouldn’t feel comfortable in that position myself. I find the idea of seeing my children’s dad with a new partner at their birthday parties quite awkward, even if it’s something I may have to come to terms with over time.

YABVU, sorry - it comes across as hugely controlling that you're trying to put all these rules in place which impinge on how your ex parents. He is entitled to delegate some childcare to her, so if he asks her to facilitate a handover, you would be massively unreasonable to refuse IMO. I suspect you wouldn't like it if he refused to hand over the kids to your mother, or to a paid childminder. He is also entitled to have them for a fair share of special occasions, and he certainly shouldn't have to spend Christmas Day with you.

If you tried to impose your proposed "boundaries", your ex would be well within his rights to take you to court to get a contact schedule that isn't subject to your unreasonable stipulations.

Your posts here come across as if you're still in love with him and haven't moved on.

If you think this is a long-term relationship then do what you can to put your (understandable) feelings to one side. Your ex’s partner will be in your joint children’s life, possibly for ever.
I am a stepparent, my partner’s ex has ignored me for almost 20 years. This has made things that should be celebrated (weddings, graduations, significant birthdays) very stressful for the, now grown up, kids. I wish I had a good relationship with their mum. I saw the Kate Winslet clip too and it made me cry - she’s right - why would you not try to see the good in someone who is good to your kids and who loves them?
I know it’s hard, especially when it’s so new, but if this relationship is going to last I would advise you to try to get to know your ex’s new partner and to hide any feelings you have about them from your kids.

What happens when you get a new partner? Would he also never be allowed to spend Christmas with you? Or would it be a case of your ex having to spend Christmas with you, and your new partner if he wanted to see his kids? What happens with birthday parties when you have a new partner is it the same again where they'd be welcome but not your ex's partner?

It sounds like alot of the rules you've put in place are common from a bit of a knee jerk reaction out of hurt, but you need to separate the hurt from what is actually reasonable - alternating Christmas is the fairest solution, same with birthdays, you get mother's day+ your birthday.

In terms of handovers yes that should be your ex 99.9% of the time, but in case of emergency etc then it might be her. You don't have to meet her if you don't want to and you don't have to be best friends, but being polite is better for everyone, if she sticks around she's going to end up being part of your kids lives.

My ex doesn’t actually want much time with the children, he blusters about being an amazing father and makes sure he posts lots of selfies with them, being Amazing Dad, but actually spends as little time as possible with them…so they are always with me on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day (he had that written in to court papers, the only thing he insisted on being in there). You wouldn’t have thought this from what he said to the world at the start of the breakup.
I really wouldn’t be trying to come up with Terms re handovers etc that might make your children feel awkward and ill at ease, simply behave in a mannerly way at all times and let time and distance from your relationship calm everything down and show you what routines will actually look like.