Play dates after separation with abusive ex

[Pinkpanther23]

Hello all

Im working with a DV organisation to leave my emotionally abusive, intimidating husband who accurately fits the description of a covert narcissist.

He’s Mr Charming to the outside world but is one of the most manipulative, cruel people I have ever met.

Our eldest is 9 and we have a 10 month old - he became abusive again postpartum and that’s it.

Eldest has established friends whose parents I’m friends with (few close, others less so) We’re doing EOW and one night in the week.

He’s got zero boundaries and I foresee a chaotic scenario of him firing off messages and the parents feeling conflicted and confused.

AIBU to suggest that I organise the play dates with existing school friends to keep things simple. Same with main birthday parties?

Especially as we will need to parallel parent as he is not emotionally safe, so back and forth amicable team work around things is not going to happen.

Advise has been to get a really robust parenting plan so I’m just thinking of all circumstances that might arise

You can propose what you want

seems unlikely he’ll stick to anything though ?

Why would he have other parents contact details? As he won't see the children that often, I wouldn't mention playdates because, presumably, you will be organising them anyway. If he queries them you can say it's his time to spend with his children. If you organise them on your time, he has no say.

Why would he message the parents? Do you mean to cancel play dates you arranged?

I wouldn’t mention play dates. Your eldest is at an age where you won’t be needing to message the other parents at all anyway so I’d just hold on. The younger one will be a few years before you need to sort play dates and you’ll be in a routine by then.

If he has people’s numbers and organises play dates on his days there is nothing you can do.

My child is 9 & I still organise play dates as do all his friends’ parents.

I think the other parents will vote with their feet. My ex planned play dates at first & the other parents stopped going / didn’t reciprocate & now he doesn’t do any. I do all the play dates in my time.

However I put in my divorce agreement that I would organise all birthday parties because I’d always done it & it was definitely in our child’s best interest for it to be done by me! He comes along & criticises but that’s it.

We also put that our child would be with me for my birthday & his dad for his birthday & specified which religious holidays he’d be where. Also Mothers Day and Fathers Day.

I organise the holiday camps etc which means I can do it with care & attention but also means ex is liable to fire off emails telling me what he wants me to book on his time so I still feel there’s a controlling element to our coparenting.

I help our child with all school projects etc & that wasn’t in the agreement but I have put it in.

Also worth thinking about a system for if the children are not well. It’s been chaotic here with ex claiming not to know how much calpol to give etc & sometimes just insisting I take over. I wish I’d had a plan for that.

2 years after we split and 1 year after our court order, my ex has just recently started doing playdates for our 7 year old. I recently found out that he set up a WhatsApp group and added only the mum's of all the friends (all taken from the class WhatsApp group), despite all of the other dad's actively taking part in their kid's lives... unlike my ex. I found out as the mum i am closest to said they had all been talking and the mum's are finding his actions weird. Ex tells our son they are having a playdate the next weekend he has them, but only 2 have actually happened, the other parents aren't agreeing... but do playdates with me!

I feel embarrassed for our child. They all know I'm a single parent but I don't want it to affect my son's relationships... apparently they get a message every other week, some aren't even being responded to.

However, I have established relationships with the other parents, my child has established friendships, and ex started it because he wants to go back to court for more time.

You could put it in the parenting plan. Your ex doesn't need to stick to the parenting plan, and if he is as you say he is, he most definitely won't. Honestly, alternate birthdays and you organise the party on your time... so you don't invite him. Paydates, he should be allowed the opportunity to donit, but likely won't unless he knows it is going to annoy you.

Spend you time with birthdays, major holidays, illness during the school term and school holidays, picks ups and drop off time and location- neutral location with cctv like a supermarket. Health, hobbies, religion would all be good ones too.

He will find loopholes to try and cause chaos, so I can see why you are doing this. But unfortunately friendships might be one you can't manage so tightly.

I think YABU, sorry. It would be perfectly reasonable for your ex to want to facilitate playdates for your children during his time with them. You risk sounding unreasonable and quite controlling if you try to restrict that. This really isn't a hill I'd die on.