Is it possible for a trial separation while cohabiting and minimising impact on kids

[Bettertoday]

I'm thinking hard and serious about telling my DH that I think we need a trial separation. We almost split two years ago but he made changes and has said he would be nothing without me 😔 But we are very stuck in stuck and I can't get this out of my head.

But is there any way of doing this subtly to cause minimum disruption for the kids? Like cohabiting still, sharing the joint finances etc? Am I mad to think this could work as an interim solution til the time is right to move apart for good? We have just been through a very distressing extension on our house, long story, so I can't expect him to move out. We both work full time and need to keep the family home for the sage if our children.

And I want it to be amicable and Im obviously scared for our children. I just don't think we can make eachother happy anymore and think it's best long term. The love has fizzled out for me, a long time ago.

For context we've been married almost 20 years, and had many years of struggles as a couple before and after kids. I'm not looking for a greener grass option, but I feel very suppressed by him and where I'm growing apart from him he's still stuck in a world of his own.

Do you have a spare room? Unless you have a big house I don’t think this would work in practise. How would you see living together and splitting up? Like he’d go out and you’d have kids alone and vice versa?

@confusedbydating we do have a spare room, two potentially as our kids share a room.

Good question, I guess I see us living our social lives separately, having a schedule with taking the kids out separately, doing our own washing, cooking cleaning. I actually don't know but I know I can't ask him to move out. Im hoping for some practical ways really. I know this is gonna be very very hard. Like a gradual step that won't harm the kids

What you’re suggesting is nesting.which is good for the kids. You need to agree which nights are yours vs his for being in charge and alternate weekends. When you eventually part ways the kids will probably sleep when that parent on their nights.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum thank you, you've made this sound possible..not heard of nesting in this way before. Have you experienced this yourself if you don't mind me asking ?

Yes I just think unless you purposely go out you’ll get called into doing stuff. I have a nanny and when I don’t leave the house I end up helping and she’s brilliant and paid to be there!

You’re naive if you think your children won’t notice it and pick up - and you’ll get questions

as well as real challenges like dating etc. You’ll be stuck in a halfway house, not really together, not really apart , can’t move on limbo - which is not great for anyone.

I lived with my ex for couple of years while actually separating and selling house and it was awful, stuck in limbo , biting tongue, treading on eggshells, not really feeling could just come and go freely without scrutiny.., and we. Were /are pretty amicable throughout

I’d not really recommend it other than for a short period !

I don’t want to be unkind OP but this is all just you trying to avoid the impact of splitting up. Which I understand because it is hard and scary. But you either split up or you don’t. There is no halfway house and attempting one is just kicking the can down the road. Better just to get on with it.

I think you need to consider what type of family life you will be giving your children. Because it doesn’t sound like a family life to me. They will have two independent people taking care of them in the same space. However you have a personal history that will inevitably lead to friction. You and he are not neutral about each other.

Based on what you have posted you are putting a material consideration, home ownership, above all else. Home ownership is a financial benefit for you and your husband. You state you have 2 spare bedrooms. So it sounds like you are overhoused and could downsize and live in smaller homes.

At the end of the day you aren’t doing this for your children. They have no say in what you are doing and rightly so. This will be something you and he decide to do because it is your preference.

I have envisioned living in a flat or small house and that weirdly excites me but im suggesting cohabiting in our family home because we have just reached that point of the almost perfect home after blood sweat and tears and most importantly my ds has very complex emotional needs and asking him to move house would be unbearable for him. He's my biggest concern here as he has ASD, ADHD and is out of school and has high sensory needs. This is the main reason for not selling up immediately. My DH could probably get a house through his work so I guess we have to decide together what's best that's why I'm trying to be prepared for looking and trying different scenarios.

By all means sleep in separate rooms and socialise separately etc but it won't be a trial separation- people do all that while being happily married. Nesting is generally where the kids stay in the house and the parents take it in turns to move in and out, which sounds like it might be an option for you- but it's very different from continuing to cohabit and share finances.

I realise that you're thinking of this as a sort of halfway house to minimise the effect on your children but I actually think something clearer and more defined (such as one of you moving out) might be easier for everyone, and would actually be a genuine trial separation. I really struggle to see how just carrying on as you are but changing who washes whose pants etc is going to give you an insight into anything and I'd worry that a) any tensions between you will still be there and affecting the family, and b) it will be confusing and distressing for your children to try to keep the split going while you're all there together, eg you cook dinner for yourself and the kids but daddy can't have any. I think very soon it would fizzle out into no sort of separation at all.

In your shoes I'd look into the possibility of a proper nesting set up- eg a small flat nearby which you and he take it in turns to use. It does come with a lot of challenges (especially if one of you starts dating again) so worth thinking all that through.

I think you're kidding yourself that a separation (and subsequent divorce) can be achieved without affecting the children of the marriage. Living separate lives under one roof is rarely a success unless both adults are in complete agreement about the separation. Usually there is one spouse who is not happy about separating.

The "perfect" house you are currently living in is a myth. The bricks and mortar is no substitute for a happy, fulfilling marriage.

It sounds like you have quite a lot to unpick here. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counsellor to talk through your thinking?

Ending a marriage is never easy.

@Sicario thank you. Ive been unpicking for many years, I'm training to be a counsellor and have had lots of different therapy over the years but it's not something DH is willing to do and I honestly think it's now too late as I should imagine he will say let's try when I decide to tell I want to separate.

Finalising our house has been the turning point for me as I realise I'm still not happy and it just feels meaningless and if anything the house renovation had just delayed it all and I had to put feelings to one side. Now we are out the other side it's seems clear what I don't want to be married to him anymore. But the kids are just my biggest worry.

You can't make an omelette and all that. Of course you're worried about the impact on your children but what are the options? To maintain a marriage that's intolerable to you because you don't want to upset your kids? It's a horrible dilemma.

A lot of unhappily married women limp on for far too long because they can't face the impact a split would have on their children.

The decision to end the marriage is sometimes the hardest part.

Once done, the rest of it is just logistics. Breaking down the assets, the finances, getting divorced, making child arrangements, and building a new home out of the rubble.

What do you want your future to look like?

@Sicario yes that's very true a good way to look at it. I see my DH meeting someone else and settling, I am looking to further my career and most importantly not stay small. My dream is to stay friends be amicable and ensure the kids get quality time with each parent. I don't think about remarrying but staying quite independent! I dream about having holidays again and not having tension that can be cut with a knife or worrying about every move I make !! That was a big question !! Xx

Im just wondering how things are going? Your situation sounds very similar to mine. All I can think about is how to do this (separate) to preserve my sanity and well-being without upending the kids’ lives. We have separate rooms and come and go very much on our own routines but fundamentallñy because we’re both based at home for work, we’re both around a lot. Too much for me when things are strained and honestly it’s not much better when things are ‘peaceful’ (which is how you know the love is fading I suppose.. when the ‘good’ days are just meh.)

Is your DH in agreement about the idea to live parallel lives? Mine sort of is but to him it would be complete shut down and barely talking.. which he tried for 6 weeks and it just created a bad atmosphere for the kids, so I ‘softened’ to create a kind of ceasefire (for the kids..) and he took it us we are tentatively reconciling… (!) I just can’t seem to get the balance right. I’m trying to stay open to any real efforts he makes to allow reconciliation to be even remotely possible and not rush anything (again for the kids to grow further so they can cope better).
So in the last two months we’ve tried both total silence and separate lives under one roof and it felt absolutely hellish and confusing for all of us.. and now we’re trying eating, and cooking and talking etc but it feels awkward too.
It’s so hard to find any kind of balance. I keep circling back to just wanting him to decide to leave and live locally and see the kids etc… but he’s absolutely refused to do anything vaguely helpful like that.

I hope things are better for you - whichever way it is going.