Am I being unreasonable asking ex to remortgage and buy me out?

[TidyRoseNewt]

Hi all, looking for an honest opinion about whether im being unreasonable. If I am id really rather know as its tough in the middle to be balanced

Short version wife and I are divorcing. My choice, she doesnt want it. Two kids aged 7 and 12. Ive always worked full time, she does 3 days a week

House has 310k equity in it and only 50k mortgage left.

My request is that she remortgages for 70k. Takes on the mortgage in her own name and effectively buys me out for 20k. I have said she can keep the 290k equity, i will sign the house over and we will balance things out with pensions later

I fully intend to aim for 50/50 as whilst ive paid more, she has allowed me to work by looking after our kids. Id never push her to take anything less.

With the 20k buyout that would give me enough to move out, furnish a place and start again.

She could affordably stay in the house with the kids albeit obviously it would be tighter than now. I have agreed to pay more maintenance than im legally required to, and whilst itll be tight for me I will have enough to live by myself.

Her stance:
She won't remortgage as she likes the low rate we are on.
She won't borrow off her family and says I need to
She doesnt want to work more than 3 days a week
She wants me to pay maintenance (obvs I will) plus half the mortgage.

I really dont want to end up in court over this and I am trying to be as accommodating as possible for my kids

However if I am stuck on this mortgage and buy in the future my affordability is shot, and I also get penalised for 3% extra stamp duty as it counts as a second home.

I am waiting for a solicitor to get back to me for an initial consultation but would welcome anyone's views here based on experience.

YABU

There is no “later”. You need to sort it all out now and formally with court approval of finances to prevent you changing your tune once you get your £70k.

For example your pensions might be worth £1m for all we know.

No idea what YABU means. And apologies I wasn't clear with how ive written the part youve queried.

Yes of course I fully intend to get everything sorted via consent order. When I said "later" I simply meant before we can even draft it we neeed to come to some kind of agreement over the house, because this clearly has a bearing on any pension split

Why would you give her all the equity?

What other assets are there?

£290k equity sounds phenomenal but do you also have savings/investments, cars? What's the ACTUAL value of pensions? It may be that £290k is a fraction of the total, and she's taken advice to hold out until EVERYTHING is on the table.

Ultimately she WILL be expected to work full time to support herself. You will likely only be expected to pay CMS (unless you earn ££££ and spousal maintenance comes into effect - even with a court order for child maintenance you can apply to CMS after a year to have it recalculated). Not additional child maintenance, not half of the mortgage. Your contribution is to the kids - if she wants to stay in the house AT ALL she needs to be able to afford it in her own right.

If you can't agree on the house with everything else it will need to be sold. Then she'll get her 'fair' share as agreed (possibly via an expensive court case).

But first, you both need to be honest about the total marital assets at this point including the full value of pensions.

Because my main priority is trying to ensure the kids stay in their home. If I asked for more than 20k equity I doubt she'd be able able afford it. My proposal sees her with a 70k mortgage

If we sold the house and split the equity shed have to borrow far more than 70k to buy a property

Hmm this sounds good on the surface for her but she’ll have a bigger mortgage, lose the low interest rate and she’ll end up paying back more than the 20k (or 70k? It wasnt clear) you get because of the interest. Will you be taking that into account?
if the house loses value she also misses out on that and she can’t access that money without selling the family home which presumably she needs to house your children, and she’ll have to pay stamp duty, solicitors fees etc out of that money before she sees a penny. It could work out well for her but it may not work out well at all.

how much are the pensions worth and how are you hoping to split the pensions.
I think she could drag her feet for years given it’s the family home, and by the time you’ve paid solicitor and court fees it won’t be worth it

Thank you, this is very helpful

290k does sound a lot but my CETV on my pension is about 500k, so I fully expect she will be entitled to a proportion of this too (as 810k total assets means 405k each, so even with 290k from the house I expect the 115k extra at least going to her)

The steer around her having to work more is helpful too.

My stance throughout has been I want to divide all assets 50/50 (or as close as....appreciate she may get more) but the house is the sticking point at the moment.

As I say, I know solicitor will guide but genuinely very grateful for these views based on prior experience. Thank you.

To add - you're 'giving' her lees than £290k though, if she pays you £70k she's effectively got £220k equity plus a mortgage. You could easily have that amount in pension plus salary, plus borrowing capability plus childcare every couple of weekends? What's your plan re the kids? If you are having them any less than 50/50 this could skew the financial split. If she's worked less to accommodate child-rearing around your job this could skew the split. Lots of factors other than 'Im giving her £290k'

Have you considered going to mediation? They ask for full financial
disclosure and will hopefully help you both reach an agreement which can form the basis of your consent order. That's what I did and it was really helpful to agree things in a neutral safe space

290k does sound a lot but my CETV on my pension is about 500k, so I fully expect she will be entitled to a proportion of this too (as 810k total assets means 405k each, so even with 290k from the house I expect the 115k extra at least going to her)

There we go...

So, together you have £810k and £50k mortgage. £760 total, split 50/50 is £380 each. You owe her (effectively) the entire equity of the house PLUS £90K, not her taking a mortgage out. You need to think about how to give her that much not the other way around - pension splitting is VERY complicated and I know very little as we each kept our own. But yeah, all assets and debts go in the pot. How you split them up depends on lots of factors, not least who ends up taking the majority care of the kids. You may need to sell the house and she buys somewhere cheaper with no mortgage whilst you have to share your pension and start from scratch. Lots to wrangle. She will need to maximise her income for sure.

I hope she gets solid legal advice. With a pension that size, advice is for her to get a PODE to establish the true value upon retirement which may mean she requires more of this than 50:50. She is right not to accept your deal. Doesn’t mean it will end up in court but proper legal advice is the way forward for this to be fair.

You’d be foolish to do this without a proper financial settlement which looks at the total pot

shes unreasonable to expect to continue to work pt - you won’t be expected to fund that or pay half the mortgage so she needs a reality check. Her settlement will be based on her ft earning potential

you need to see a solicitor and start the ball
ing through proper channels not a hotch pitch piecemeal approach

I agree, you need to do it all properly. Add the total asset value (including pensions etc) and then split 50/50. She will definitely need to maximise her earnings.

Not quite the same but we ended up selling family home and our total assets were split 50/50. I got slightly more equity (I think 65%) and he got more pension.

The advice I received at the time was both parties need to have suitable places to live, it’s not fair if one person gets a majority of the equity. I have 4 young children and was working part-time before the split, now working full time.

Irrespective of court expectations, the reality of single parenting a 7 year old is that full time working is tricky without either the other parent having significant custody, or putting the child into a lot of childcare because they can’t yet get themselves to/from school or be left alone. So if you push her to work full time, and you aren’t doing any school drop offs, pickups or after school care,then the reality is that your child is going to be in childcare from 8-6 every day, and quite possibly a lot of screen time outside that so that mum can do the washing, cleaning, cooking etc. So think hard before pushing that narrative about whether it is the best choice.

In terms of a financial split you’ve mentioned your pension but not hers, which might tip things back in your favour.

If she’s willing to agree 50/50 financial split out of court and without a lot of legal fees. despite having main responsibility for the kids, then I think that you should accept her stipulations about the 20k and borrow it from elsewhere. Do you have any joint savings? She’s more likely to be happy for you to take those because it won’t involve remortgages. She is probably worried about taking on a bigger mortgage incase she needs to cut her hours to look after the kids alone.