How much emotional support to give ex during amicable divorce?

[SigmaFreud]

currently in process of divorcing, have completed form for financial order and are awaiting courts decision. STBEX has moved out around two weeks ago and all seemed to be going fine. We have remained very amicable and continue to see each other daily for our young sons benefit. EX has sent me a message to say he is really struggling with loneliness and missing his family and I’m just wondering how much emotional support should I really be giving him, if any? If it matters he has no family who live close but does have friends. He does have a history of bottling things up so I’m concerned he’s opened up to me but no one else. Any advice on how much handholding to give please?

I wouldn't give any. What makes you think it's your responsibility anyway?

It's really difficult isn't it.

I separated from my husband a year ago now, and we have remained friendly ... had lunch out twice. But in the summer last year his sister messaged me saying he was threatening to hurt himself as he was so upset by how life had turned out. His family don't live close by, so I ended up calling him and calming him down.

I worry about him all the time. Worry he is eating, sleeping. But that's why I left him as I felt like his mother. He is 66 years old. I think he can manage!!

I need to divorce him, but I am too scared to broach that subject in case he goes batshit again.

Depends on reason for split, if he cheated/abusive then he can get fucked.

If he decided he wanted out then also, he made his choice he can deal with it, however sounds like you instigated.

How much is he seeing his son, is he making effort ?

On the opening up thing, how happy would you be if he opened up to a friend about the issues you had which lead to split.

When a woman gets divorced typically she's losing a husband. Often men are losing their best friend counsellor maid nanny and mum.

That doesn't mean you are still those things.

I suppose the answer is I don’t think it’s my responsibility and yet the guilt if I don’t offer support will still be there so I’m trying to balance what feels right to me against protecting myself as I also try to deal with the divorce and how it’s impacted me.

we both agreed to divorce as neither of us were happy although I instigated the conversation that lead to this realisation. I would be more than happy for him to be honest with a friend over why this happened I just don’t believe that he will be and I worry that will mean no one other than me is actually supporting him.

he sees our son every day and comes to our marital home to do so and from my POV I’m struggling with having him there so much but I can deal with it as it makes our son happy. Eventually I want to move to each having our own contact time in our own homes but we agreed this is to be at our sons pace. We are only two weeks in!

@SigmaFreud do you feel this is him just struggling with the new setup or do you think this is him opening the door to a conversation about reconciliation?

None.

not your problem.

EX has sent me a message to say he is really struggling with loneliness and missing his family
Is he wanting a reconciliation, or more time with DC, or just a general "wow, didn't think I would feel like this", or something darker? Work out which before doing anything but if it was something darker then keep pushing him seeing his GP.

he sees our son every day and comes to our marital home
You both need boundaries and expectations. You can start small by saying DC time can't be spent inside the marital home as this will be too confusing for DC to understand. He takes DC somewhere or back to his. He only comes to yours for pick up/drop off. Does he want overnights?

Me and ex never did the emotional support as such (too much anger in the beginning) but I did fill in his Form E (while he watched and provided information) and he put up a couple of curtain rails in my new place so yeah, untangling can be difficult.

Then I think you are doing everything you should and should not be going any further. His emotional welfare isn’t your responsibility. You’re engaging amicably in the divorce process and facilitating him seeing your child daily.

You’ve just reminded me of a couple I knew. He asked for a divorce and then stayed living in the marital home for months, claiming he was too busy to find somewhere to rent. In the end, the woman he was divorcing, for her own peace of mind, was finding potential rentals and booking him in for viewings, arranging the removal van and the utilities etc, otherwise he’d still have been there a year after he told her he wanted a divorce.

Really hard to say as he’s never wanted to engage in talking about what went wrong so I’m not sure how at any point we could have reconciled. He had said during initial discussion he felt lonely and depressed and I told him to self refer via his work for counselling which he says he has done. I do worry that it’s something darker yes.

I wouldn't give him any emotional support, you're no longer his wife, or won't be, soon. You can be amicable etc, but your marriage is over and that is going to be emotionally hard for both of you, and your child.
You're both on your own now as far as spousal emotional support goes.
If you still care, are you sure you want a divorce?

Thank you to everyone for your comments and to those saying not my problem this is my gut feeling too I just need to stop myself from being a fixer which has been a problem throughout our relationship!

yes I do still care he is my sons father and was the person I wanted to spend my life with. But yes I am sure we need to divorce despite those feelings as we are not in love with each other any longer sadly.

Based on your update I suggest the ONLY thing you can do is tell him to contact his GP for short term antidepressants. Then back away. He needs professional help and unless you have those professional qualifications then you can't help him.

Good luck OP, and don't forget to reach out to your GP too if you need that extra support as well.

Thank you that’s been really helpful

Maybe beacause they have a child together.

I see some red flags in your posts. You say it was both agreed and you instigated but what was not working? Was a big part of it that you had to be his mother and sort all the hard things? Because that, always, kills the love for the woman. And I suspect the love is killed for the man because he gets tired of the "nagging".

Rhe fact he is visiting every day, in the marital home, is another red flag. Is he eating at yours? Is he actually engaging with your ds or just hanging out? Why isnt he taking ds out? If hes jist there to see ds, perhaps you start going out while he feeds, puts ds to bed etc? Because to me it sounds like hes still living in the home, just not sleeping there.

What about finances? Ifs early days sure, but how is it being adapted? Because again, I suspect there's a red flag here!

😩 the only way to get rid of him was to carry on being his mum/nanny/housekeeper/secretary until he was gone. What a man.

Hoe would you feel if you were the one to move out of the family home, leave your son with his dad and just visit ?

I expect you’d feel dad, lonely and missing family …..

you need to set boundaries, look to separate properly which will involve two houses and your son staying at each without the other parent

Zero.