Cooling off period… feel sad

[Trailmix3]

I don’t know why I’m doubting myself really as I know it’s over. I seem to have lost all perspective about what is normal. I’m currently in the 20 week cooling off period.
it’s over isn’t it. There are kids involved and in a few weeks we will blow up life as they know it.

repeatedly lied about money and his debt over the years causing really bad financial issues

struck up some friendships with women that crossed a line (meeting for dinner in secret, flirty chats, emojis, lots of texts) he says I’m unreasonable as they are just mates

never really grew up… never wanted to move house or save money or do any DIY

very niche hobbies took over our life and seems to be the only thing that lights him up

felt like I was talking to a statue. He rarely discussed news or my work or anything really that he wasn’t interested in (his hobby)

family are a nightmare. They are the strangest bunch of people I’ve ever met and his mother is evil (homophobic, racist etc). That’s not just me saying that, I’ve had many people over the years say the same. None of them talk to each other.

he is very compliant… he expects me to make all decisions. He will assist if I tell him what do do eg he will clean the bathroom but only if I give him a list of exactly how and when to do it. He has never decided to do something himself unless it’s work related or hobby related

is quite selfish and often thinks only of him. Very lazy (he often falls asleep in day and never learns stuff eg that milk bottles get recycled, not in main bin)

he’s incredibly innocent. He would never check days on food in fridge etc. “if it’s in the fridge I’m assuming it’s in date” he says

quite often gives me the ick (hate that term) as he is immature and his hobby takes over to an obsessive level

not sure he ever loved me and that is heartbreaking (it was convenient and what you are supposed to do). He was never romantic or obsessed with me or said I was a great mum etc it’s like room mates

I suggested therapy when I found out about the other women but he said no. He’s doing therapy now after we started divorce. Too late.

I just feel suddenly quite sad for kids and also that I’m going to shaft myself financially. I’m lone now. We will need two homes. I’ve no back up for bills etc.
and I’m so sad that I’ll miss out on some time with my kids. And that I’ll be alone forever as mid 40s with kids just seems impossible to start over.

what a bunch of crap! Any wise words

I feel for you, OP. From what you've said you have done the right thing for you and the kids in the long run. I can feel the resentment in your post. Look after yourself.

From what you have said there is no joy in your life currently, just understandable resentment and hard work. If you choose it your future could be joyful, and the importance of that should not be underestimated.

Absolutely sounds like you are doing the right thing. You are probably grieving what should have been.

I think your life will be so much better without him in it.

I would bet that in a year's time you will look back and be relieved and so much better off emotionally.

Well of course you are sad - you tried and it didn’t work out

you may or may not end up alone - there is no saying what the future holds

its Quite likely however that the future will be happier than your past. Different and happier. Perhaps harder. But happier. Just takes time to get there

Thanks all.

it would almost be easier if he did something really hurtful. Like actually had an affair. Instead he’s eroded our love over the years and we’ve become like housemates.

i feel guilty that im about to blow up the kids life because hes useless and ive got too high expectations. I just feel so incredibly sad and alone.

I’m in a similar situation, also in the 20 weeks, post-application. However, I have now been out of the family home for 18 months and it was absolutely the right decision. I am early 50s and wish I had done it sooner, when the children were younger. (Though I do wish I had kept the family home, not him!)

also have massive guilt about splitting up the family as I was the ‘evil one’ who chose to do this. It felt like a selfish step. However, the longer I am distanced from the relationship, the more I realise how dysfunctional it was and that he would never have changed.

i don’t think your expectations are too high, it sounds like you have put up with a lot, with a complete lack of respect or support from him. Leaving a marriage because you are unhappy is a good enough reason - it took me a while to get to that realisation!

and there is no reason to be alone forever if that is not what you want

I am also in my cool off period, even though I left with my children nearly four years ago. I know it’s hard, but, trust me, it definitely is the right thing to do. Your husband seems very similar to mine. Now I have distance and time since I last lived with him I can see what an absolute parasite he was. He supposedly couldn’t clean a bathroom, figure things out, do DIY, compliment me, hold a conversation with me (would rather be on his phone etc) and I am so so glad I finished it. The laziest, most disinterested man I’ve ever met. It’s a great feeling once it’s over and you’ll never look back. Ypur children will be fine. I was more worried they’d grow up thinking that was a normal way to behave in relationships. My children are really respectful and happy and we have such fun without him ruining it with his laziness and boringness.
good luck