Hi everyone, I’d like some perspective.
Long story short: my husband and I have been together for 5 years. Since day one, he has had gambling problems, but I didn’t realize the full extent until I became a stay at home mum while he was the sole earner.
Due to him repeatedly missing bills and gambling all his wages, I had no choice but to take control of the household finances. He would send me his wages, and I would pay all the bills, allocate savings, and manage the budget. Despite this, he repeatedly pressured me to send him money to gamble with, which was out of budget and pushed us further into debt. Previously, he had also run up debt in my name, and I had to take out loans to cover bills when he gambled excessively. This ruined my credit rating, and approximately £8,000 of that debt still needs to be repaid.
Over the years, there have also been other issues, including disrespect towards me, lack of support, vaping indoors around the children, blaming me for his problems, angry outbursts at me and the children, pressuring me for sex, lying about his whereabouts, and other concerning behaviors.
Last November, I finally said enough is enough. He begged for another chance, and I said I don’t know, setting clear conditions for rebuilding trust, including separate finances, taking better care of his health, being better with the children, and quitting gambling. Since January, our finances have been separate, and he now pays all his own bills.
However, he has lied again since then. He told me he quit vaping, but I saw him vaping at work. He then said he would continue vaping but with 0 nicotine, yet I found an empty vape box while doing the washing containing 20mg nicotine; he blamed the shopkeeper, saying he didn’t know. He has also started drinking more, and becomes defensive when I point it out, he can easily finish a bottle of wine in a night. Recently, he was rude again, asking me why I hadn’t finished making his dinner, despite everything going on.
Regarding gambling, he promised not to gamble until May, but I have very low trust in him. I’ve asked to see his bank account to check if he’s keeping his promise and to help rebuild trust, but he has repeatedly refused, saying I’m being controlling.
I feel like I’ve put up with a lot and tried to give him chances, but he won’t be transparent or take responsibility.
My question: Given all this, am I being unreasonable in asking to see his bank account to rebuild trust and hold him accountable?
Right now, I feel like he is choosing secrecy over transparency.
Any comments appreciated 🩷