AIBU to consider confessing a past affair to my husband?

[Olivia2226]

One year ago I had an affair with a friend from work. It lasted 2 months. I dont work at that place and dont see the other man anymore. He is also married and when it ended swore he wouldnt tell anyone. My dh is very unlikey to ever find out unless I tell him. We are in our late 30s and have 2 kids 10 and 12. I wouldnt want to turn their world upside down by our splitt. Its just been wing on my mind lately. We were going thrue a rough time in our marrige at the time but things are really good now and it fells so unfair to my dh. Should I confess?

What would you be hoping to get out of confessing to him?

Why would you drop a bomb like that? It hurts everyone and won’t make you feel better either. If you want a divorce, do it with kindness and consideration, not like that.

What are you hoping will happen?

The weight will fall from your shoulders because you’ve finally been honest?

You break your DH’s heart?

Your DH will forgive you?

Absolutely not.. If you feel bad, that’s yours to carry, as it should be. If you need to talk to someone, find a good therapist. You’ve just said you’re now in a good place so why would you voluntarily chuck a hand grenade into that? Even if he forgives you, you will destroy the trust in your relationship and it will be very hard to get back.

Our guilt isn’t more important than the feelings of your husband and family. You are doing it because you want to elevate your guilt not because you want to do the right thing.

There isn’t ever any excuse to have an affair. Once again you are only thinking out yourself.

Next time you think about dropping that bomb look at your kids faces and think about who you would be doing that for. They will understand later you destroyed their family by your selfish behaviour (both times).

Shut your mouth and think of your family. Sorry but I have no sympathy for anyone who has an affair and then feels the need to do this.

I would want to know. I think your husband should be able to choose whether he wants to be married based on the truth. It’s selfish and immoral not to tell him in my opinion. No one wants to live a lie.

In that scenario I would prefer not to know tbh.

Absolutely not! He doesn't need to know, your relationship has moved on in a good way
If you really want to 'confess', talk to a counsellor and explore the reasons for the affair and the reasons why you might want to tell your husband. Do you think telling him would benefit him, or improve your marriage? Or are you just being selfish, again?

No judgement from me

But keep your mouth shut.

Before doing anything, I would recommend talking it through with a counsellor.

You want to tell him to relieve your guilt. You weren’t so considerate of your DH’s feelings for the months you were shagging some other man.

If this was a man, we would be all saying the opposite so I believe you should tell him because it’s dishonest and you can’t have a relationship on dishonesty and lies and you’re forever gonna worry about being caught out.

Gosh it really is all about selfish little you. Tell him so you can unburden yourself, hurt him, have your children part time. Unless you have given him an STI or worse perhaps don’t say anything and spend the rest of your life making up to your family

If it was your husband that did that to you would you want to know.. I would! Trust is broken unfortunately..

So you want to assuage your guilt, so that YOU feel better?
Then let me guess, if your husband can't forgive you, and you divorce, well that's his fault as much as yours, as he couldn't get past it, even though you just wanted to be honest with him....does that sound about right?
You are being totally selfish.

You're not thinking this through. You are about to drop a bomb into your family. Every single person will be hurt by it.

My XH was unfaithful and the pain was like nothing I've ever experienced. Telling my children that we were separating was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's had lasting repercussions.

Telling your husband so that you can feel better is incredibly selfish. See a counsellor and learn how to cope with your problems without hurting other people.

Don’t tell him.

It's a bit late to start having a conscience. Tell him if you want to hurt him and risk splitting up your family.
Maybe your conscience is telling you that although things are better, you don't really love him like you should and would probably split up if things took a dip in the future.
You really need to talk your feelings out with someone impartial to get to the root of it all.

If I were your husband I would want to know so I could leave you.

I wouldn't stay with someone so selfish.

You already destroyed your family when you decided to have an affair. You dont want to deal with the repercussions of that, another selfish decision. If I had been cheated on, I would want to know, and so would you.

You could tell him privately and let him have it out with you. Do you think he would leave? There is a possibility he would want to make it work, but you know whether he would or not already, probably.

Leaving it a year to tell him will add insult to injury, too. You can't control how your DC will react, and you could tell them there's a different reason for separating. Though that would be another lie, but potentially not add the stress on to them and yourselves of having them look at you horribly, and them thinking of their mother in such a way.

I dont know what you were expecting from this thread other than judgement. It is your decision whether to tell your DH or not. It sounds like its weighing on your mind, and the guilt will consume you if not. Time to take responsibility for your intentional 'mistake'.

If sexes were reversed everyone would absolutely be telling you to tell him
so he has agency over his future and whether he wants to stay with you ! Another fine example of mumsnet hypocrisy

however, you need to question why you want to tell him- it sounds like it’s just to offload your own guilt and throw a bomb under him. In which case that’s pure selfishness

what are you hoping to achieve ?

You have already done the damage. Your marriage has a massive lie at the heart of it and your poor husband who you have betrayed and humiliated is oblivious to it. He has a right to an honest relationship which you are now denying him.

I understand why people would say keep quiet and carry your guilt, telling him serves no purpose now. I don’t agree. You can’t unring a bell. If you love him and respect him, give him the truth and let him decide.

Your marriage ended a year ago (if not before, the affair was possibly the final blow)

How will you construct your second marriage to the same person if they don't know who you are and why you sought an affair?