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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Co-parenting - Swapping weekends

26 replies

Whatisbest26 · 13/03/2026 20:17

I need some guidance here and thoughts as to whether I am being unreasonable. 4 children and shared childcare with ex-husband. Following divorce and selling family home, I live in a 3 bed with 2 kids sharing each room and ex lives with parents. So my son is currently revising for his GCSEs. I offered to give him my room (the box room) whilst he is revising for a bit of space and peace and quiet. He suggested instead he swap weekends, so when his siblings go to Dad he stays home and then visa versa. Means he gets his bedroom to himself plus I’m more available (instead of running around with the others) if he wants me to test him or anything. We’ve done it for a few weeks and son super happy with this new arrangement. Not sure if it makes a difference but he is AuADHD does get distracted easily.

Now however, ex is saying it is not working for him and he wants this arrangement to stop, no discussion. For reference, he is often away at weekends and his parents look after the kids.

Am I being unreasonable here? My opinion is that we should pull together to do whatever works best for our son. I’m totally happy him being here when the others are at their Dads and getting some peace and quiet for revision. Surely at nearly 16, he should be able to decide where he wants to go at the weekend that works best for him?

OP posts:

PotatoFan · 13/03/2026 20:20

Presumably if it’s the grandparent actually doing the childcare, they’re older and finding it difficult to have children every weekend and need a weekend off

Jellybunny56 · 13/03/2026 20:23

I think given that ex isn’t actually the one doing the childcare and it isn’t his own home, this is his parents choice rather than his. They probably want at least every other weekend without children in their home and to be honest that’s not unreasonable.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2026 20:26

Could you speak to his parents and see if they’re willing to have their grandson? You obviously can’t force your ex to do anything but I’d deff ask the grandparents

Original poster

Whatisbest26 · 13/03/2026 20:28

He is 15 though so doesn’t really need much looking after. Just feeding I guess! They don’t often go away so are always about at weekends.

OP posts:

BernardButlersBra · 13/03/2026 20:29

It’s not all about your ex! Whats so bad about putting his son first? It’s hardly as if GCSE’s go on forever

Original poster

Whatisbest26 · 13/03/2026 20:30

I hear what you’re saying but I thought for a couple of months, we can prioritise our son and do whatever we can to help him pass his exams.

OP posts:

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2026 20:31

Whatisbest26 · 13/03/2026 20:30

I hear what you’re saying but I thought for a couple of months, we can prioritise our son and do whatever we can to help him pass his exams.

Of course that makes sense, but you can’t choose what your ex does

Jellybunny56 · 13/03/2026 20:31

Whatisbest26 · 13/03/2026 20:30

I hear what you’re saying but I thought for a couple of months, we can prioritise our son and do whatever we can to help him pass his exams.

If I was being generous though it isn’t just your ex’a home- it is his parents. They are not unreasonable to just want their house to themselves every other weekend.

Myexhas6kids · 13/03/2026 21:47

At 16, I would be giving your DS the choice. If your ex/ ex’s parents won’t allow him to stay on the weekends when his siblings aren’t there, then he could have the option to stay at yours. It doesn’t sound as though his dad is there much anyway. Your ex would then pay you some child maintenance to cover the extra time that DS is spending with you instead of with him.

Original poster

Whatisbest26 · 13/03/2026 22:52

He doesn’t pay any child maintenance. My daughter lives with me full time but that’s just how it is (self employed etc etc).

OP posts:

Myexhas6kids · 13/03/2026 23:32

Surely he should? There’s a website that calculates CM for you. You just put in the number of days per week each child lives with each parent and a few other details and it comes up with a suggested payment. If you share 50/50 then there’s no payment due but it doesn’t sound like you’re doing that.

Original poster

Whatisbest26 · 14/03/2026 05:59

Yes he probably should but it’s not worth it. He is self employed running a loss making business. We get by. Nothing is due with 50/50 and only DD lives with me full time.

OP posts:

curious79 · 14/03/2026 06:46

sounds like your Ex dislikes having his weekends taken up - simple. You can’t force him to agree with you but for an interim period surely he can give up some life?!

Thesnailonthewhale · 14/03/2026 06:49

Ds can surely just stay behind on his dad's weekends?

Can't get get out to a library or something?

Thesnailonthewhale · 14/03/2026 06:49

Ds can surely just stay behind on his dad's weekends?

Can't get get out to a library or something?

Thesnailonthewhale · 14/03/2026 06:49

Ds can surely just stay behind on his dad's weekends?

Can't get get out to a library or something?

Original poster

Whatisbest26 · 14/03/2026 08:22

I’m happy for him to stay behind when the others go but would just mean he never sees his Dad at the weekend. Although I guess it’s only for a few months. This arrangement is totally ok with me but if I was his Dad, I wouldn’t be happy not to see him! It’s my son’s decision though so I guess if this is what he prefers, everyone should accept that.

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 14/03/2026 08:39

I think your ex and his parents are unreasonable

it’s only a few months
snd your son doesn’t need baby sitting so he’s not really impacting them much. They can come and go as they want.

even it it was I’d still say they can put up with it for a few months it’s not the end of world!

why hasn’t your ex got his own place ?

millymollymoomoo · 14/03/2026 08:40

And yes If they don’t like it he simply stays behind at yours at the weekends. Simple !

Thesnailonthewhale · 14/03/2026 08:54

Whatisbest26 · 14/03/2026 08:22

Well the dad is "often away" and doesn't see his dad anyway 🤷‍♀️

BookArt55 · 14/03/2026 10:56

Your son can stay with you every weekend then... your son is being sensible and discussing what works for him in order to be successful, and it has been working, you are putting the kid's first. If dad can't, then son and yourself need to prioritise him and dad can get on with doing his own thing. Just keep doing what you are doing!

Basketballhoop405392 · 16/03/2026 14:31

I wonder if there is an expectation that the oldest keeps an eye on the youngest too when at his dad's? Meaning he cant full concentrate on revising etc? I think it's a logical decision but if dad won't then make it clear to son dad won't but he absolutely welcome to stay when the others go.

Original poster

Whatisbest26 · 15/04/2026 06:02

Just a quick update. The weekend swaps have stopped. I’ve made it clear to my son he is always welcome at mine (even on Dad’s weekend etc). Unfortunately my son is too worried about upsetting his Dad and Nan (there would be uproar if he chose to see me when it’s not “my” weekend) so is complying with their wishes. Makes me so sad that (a) my son can’t put his own wishes first in such an important time and (b) my ex can’t listen to his son and do what he can to make things easier for him for just a couple of months.

Sigh.

OP posts:

wheresthesnowgone · 15/04/2026 06:10

Whatisbest26 · 14/03/2026 08:22

Well if his dad isn't usually there anyway and it's grandparents doing the childcare, it doesn't make any difference if he doesn't go.

minniewin · 15/04/2026 06:14

Can son revise at yours during the day and go to parents that evening?

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