I get it. I don't miss my ex-husband for one hot minute. It's been 5 years since he left (well, went to prison) and I hate the bastard. But even now, I still grieve sometimes for what I once believed in, for what never was, for the man who wasn't there, so to speak. I grieve in a sort of 'looking through other windows of other houses at other people's lives' sort of way, wondering what it could have been like if he'd been a truly, loving, good person. What if we'd just been a nice and normal family?
I grieve for me. I miss who I could have been had I not been so fucking damaged and levelled by such a harmful relationship. I miss believing in us. I miss wanting love and trusting it. That was a great feeling while it lasted. I miss trust, most of all. That's a loss I've not regained. But that's ok. I can handle it.
The majority of us marry in good faith and with so much love and hope on tap. It's distressing and traumatic to deal with the consequences of a bad marriage, the abuse, deception, and the rest. And though we should never feel shame, that feeling of shame is sort of inevitable. I'm a smart person and yet I gravely miscalculated my ex husband's love. I am ashamed of that.
I did not recognise his supposed love as a false flag until it was much too late. It's a pretty long road out of those weeds, OP. But there's growth and strength and an empowerment that comes from doing the right thing, the very best thing, for yourself.
You are rising and thriving even as you grieve. You just can't feel it yet.
And don't worry. My first year I cried in EVERY supermarket. Just seeing the food we ate made me cry. I cried over a particular brand of mince. Just bonkers! But I get it. I cried seeing kids in trolleys. I missed the years and years and years of that weekly habit of dragging the kids up and down aisles and ringing the husband to ask, "Should I grab a bla bla bla for Poppa and Nana if they're coming to dinner on Sunday?" I miss believing that our love was just wonderfully predictable, safe, solid, and one I could trust to hold us for all time.
All of those lost years and old memories seem to fucking loooooove hiding in the aisles of Sainsbury's. I said to my DD, who is 16, just a couple of days ago, "I just realised, I never cry in the supermarket anymore!" We often clink our teacups when we have moments of small revelations (which deserve big celebrations!). We raised our cups to that big reveal.
Sending you love and hope from the other side. It gets a whole lot better. It really does. Time is your best ally. And it's a good one.💖